asd and "borderline" me

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I got through explaining experiences to my mom that I have that are derealization and depersonalization, and I was explaining those to her, not knowing really how common it is or not, and she was completely baffled and yet again said that I worry her. Anyway, she didn't know much about it, and so I looked up stuff so that I could figure out what else is relevant to it, and as I knew, I also have a dissociative personality, and I read some more and found how much borderline personality disorder describes me. I was a little apprehensive before, but when I thought about it more, it makes perfect sense. Anyway, I was describing that to her, and then we started talking about other stuff, and then I got upset about something, and she said, "I think you need to take your BuSpar." while kind of laughing. That was a bit insulting. I got really upset then, and when I'm mad or upset or panicking, I start breathing heavily and quickly in order to calm down without doing anything bad, then she started laughing and saying things that made me even more mad. If only she knew that when I am doing that, I'm not just hyperventilating. When I'm that mad about something, a montage of gruesome, violent thoughts pass through my mind really fast, and it's very overwhelming, and during all of that, I'm feeling extreme urges to hurt things and people, and I almost can't control it, and sometimes I can't, but in that time, I'm trying to calm down, but she was just making me angrier and angrier. Is it odd that sometimes I get angry from being really happy? I get angry about the fact that other people can't seem to experience emotions the way I do, or imagine it. Anyway, I left the room wanting to throw some candles against the fire place, but I ended up throwing what was in my hands and kicking a door while leaving the room. I then paced in my room. When I'm mad or upset, it isn't only that one situation that is making me upset, because then I'm thinking about other situations like it, and I'm thinking about consequences once I am at some point of the rage, and that makes me more mad, because I can't stop even though I know that something mad may happen after. Then in the end I'm so angry about the situation happening, and if I get punished by having video games taken away from me or something, that would be really bad, because I very dissociative and would rather die than have to live in this world without being able to get away from it using video games. So many things are overwhelming. People think I don't get angry easily. People think I get angry easily. People think I'm excitable. People think I'm not easily excited. People think I get upset easily. People think I never get upset. I don't react the way people think that I will, practically ever, and when I do, I feel completely out of control. It is the same with my suicidal behavior. I can't recognize the suicidal me when I'm calm, and I can't recognize the calm me when I'm angry or when I'm suicidal. Everything is intense, and everything is crazy. I also have those intense versions of zoning out in addition to derealization and depersonalization symptoms. Anyway, I just got so angry today, and I think it is so wrong that my mom makes me more angry in ways that she can completely restrain from doing. My mom thinks I'm a borderline, by the way. With thinking that, why would she always make me more upset and more angry by laughing at me and saying , " I think you need to take your BuSpar!" She also laughs at me when I get surprised by things, and she even laughed a little as I explained things to the doctor as I was being prescribed Abilify.

This may be an explanation, it isn't meant to be an excuse.

Looking for labels is not what people typically do when they are truly upset. It's obviously common amongst us here on this forum, but that doesn't make it typical. Also the way many of us who have ASD behave when experiencing strong, but confusing, emotions does not look typical to many typical people, so we then see them act like our feelings are not real. If we were able to act in more typical ways when feeling upset, they might respond more helpfully. And some of that can be learned. But, well, if we responded more typically...we would be more neurotypical

Other people learning to respond directly to content rather than getting lost in the delivery helps, too