Fed up with feeling bad for other people

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Joe90
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04 Aug 2014, 5:17 pm

They say Aspies lack empathy but I don't think that's true for me. I feel other people's emotions so bad that it sometimes gives me physical pain like a stomachache, and I spend a few days worrying about their feelings and not stopping to think of my own.

I finally have a date, after so long. For the last year I was half-with and half-waiting for a man to leave his wife like he promised. Yes I kept having doubts, from reading up ''lies married men tell you'' articles on the internet, and the lies listed in these articles were similar to the stuff he kept telling/promising me. But the stuff he was promising me were ''50-50'' - there's also an equally possible side, so I thought maybe I'd wait and see if he does leave his wife, being so a lot of couples split up these days. But I felt I had to live lies to friends and family, and remember who I told what lie to, in order to keep this ''relationship'' going comfortably. Well, comfortably for him. I knew I was never comfortable with the fact that he is still married and me being unsure of what to believe.

So anyway this other guy asked me out on a date this morning, and I know that he isn't married because I've known him a while and he wants to take me out for lunch and take me back to his apartment. I thought that I should take this chance, as this would be more reasonable. But I had to tell this married guy, because I didn't want to have to keep a secret from the guy that asked me on a date. I want an honest relationship. And of course, this married guy sounded really disappointed and heartbroken when he rang me, and although many people will tell me that I should not be feeling guilty for letting a MARRIED GUY down....well, guess what? I DO feel guilty. He sounds so disappointed, and he probably really is because he mostly likely likes my attention, but it's making me feel his disappointment, and now I'm sitting here with a hot water bottle over my stomach because I have a stomachache from stress, when I'm supposed to be feeling happy for myself. Why am I feeling guilty for a married guy? Why am I so nice? This is why I get spitting mad when there's so much ''lack of empathy'' talk about Aspies.


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mr_bigmouth_502
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04 Aug 2014, 6:56 pm

I've actually heard a theory once that some aspies actually have MORE empathy than NTs, and that it's so overwhelming for them that it causes problems. Myself, I don't entirely understand the concept of empathy. I know my theory of mind isn't the greatest, but I've been in situations where I've seen people arguing or just acting negatively, and I could practically feel it "in the air", and it's really affected me. It's hard to explain, really.

I find it hard to keep cool when I'm in a situation where people appear to be in some sort of a conflict, even if it's just playful banter and nobody's actually being serious. Often times, as soon as I hear people arguing or insulting one another, my fight or flight response starts to kick in, and I often freeze up like a deer in the headlights, or get all panicky.

Sometimes I often worry that when people are acting negatively, it's because of me, and that somehow I'm doing something that's pissing them off. I have a hard time not doing things that piss other people off it seems, and as much as I try to avoid doing these things, it often doesn't seem to work.



kraftiekortie
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04 Aug 2014, 7:02 pm

You actually seem ok, Bigmouth. You're just a young guy who's somewhat unsure about what he wants to do with his life. One thing in your favor: you are brutally honest about yourself. This bodes well for you, because you don't seem to have things hidden in your psyche which could cause you problems.

I hope you get a job soon--and clean up that basement, eventually! LOL



KingdomOfRats
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05 Aug 2014, 5:53 pm

the whole lack of empathy thing comes from the way autism used to be seen as just LFA until not that much long ago and the fact that those of us with LFA have such disconnect from humans that we do actualy lack all empathy.
when aspergers became an accepted part of the spectrum it took on baggage of autisms past.
however there are a number of aspies who say they lack empathy,its probably more associated with introverted left brain dominant aspies, than the extroverted right brain dominant.

are not to blame for choosing a single person over him.
are probably more likely to be secure with that non married guy than the married guy,if he cheats on his wife then he will probably cheat again so are best off out of it no matter how nice he seems.
some of the nicest seeming people can also be the cruelest.


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sonofghandi
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06 Aug 2014, 1:19 pm

I have too much empathy. It may take a lot more for me to feel what others are feeling, but when I do it hits me like a brick upside the head and can cause me to shut down or melt down.

That being said, I often have trouble with sympathy. If I don't understand it, it usually doesn't make me feel bad (or feel much of anything, really).


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