Do I belong anywhere?

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Right now, I am wondering if there is anywhere I can find where I will feel accepted and a relevant part of the whole. At the risk of sounding totally 'emo' as some like to call it, I feel as if I do not belong anywhere, and would be best suited to just cutting off all human contact to avoid being hurt and hurting others. I used to say as a young teen that I should be locked up... now I begin to wonder if I had some sort of amazing foresight back then. Back then, I said it because I felt myself to be nothing but trouble to others, since others told me I was many negative things, including my mother. Now, I feel maybe Everyone was right and I am nothing but a worthless waste of space. Right now, I feel every nasty name anyone has ever called me and more. I cannot help it, when I feel bogged down by everything, I start to feel more and more worthless, and my logic and sense seem to fly out of the window...but then again, maybe this is logic. Maybe I am just this defective, flawed thing that is a waste of resources and of peoples' time. I feel utterly miserable now and like smashing something to try and get rid of this.

If this is due to what I said earlier, than I had no idea what I said would make it come to this.

Sorry.

No, not you. Other things said to me alongside the rough time I am already having due to my social isolation. I guess I should make some effort to change my situation instead of talking about it, but i do not know how to change it given I am not good at mixing. I am a sponge. I absorb what others say of me and take it to be true at some level because of my poor self esteem. I wish I could change this as it leaves me full of such intense self hatred. I am my own worst enemy.

I figured that being abused was contributing to your thoughts, but I was meaning the current (or should I say most recent) time period of feeling these thoughts.

In a way, you're a lot like Starbuline (sorry Star, you were the first person I thought of).

Well, I doubt it helps any, but you aren't the only person who has had those kinds of thoughts / feelings / outlook (never could figure out what the "right" word was for that...). I'd say a good solution would be get your mind off of it, or stop thinking, but that's not exactly easy. My own experiences with that kind of thing leave me wondering if it is simply impossible, at least for me if nothing else.

Others may say it is "bad" or "dangerous" behavior, but smashing things can help. At one point I shattered a plastic trash can with a bokken. Rough night, and it would have been better if there wasn't trash in the can, but it helped. some. As long as it isn't something important, valuable, or belonging to someone else. Still have to get the two or three holes in my apartment's walls patched up.

I identify with what you say, little hopeful and lots of agravation, and I sponge it all up. I notice I bail on some threads, like walking across a green pasture, but the cows have left presents, so watch your step.

I too am lucky, my own worst enemy, tho others try for the job. I am also my best friend, after the Universe. It would seen I should have more control, but every time I get there, I feel confined. I try to remain totally open, my senses tuned to recieve, then walk by the garbage of life.

Deep in caves, high on mountains, I have sought peace, found it, opened the flower of counciousness,
known that all was well, then driven down the Interstate and been overwhellmed as I passed a small town, picking up hundreds of low thoughts. Back to building a shell, truth only a memory.

It is not what I am I hate, but my impressions of the world. Only by keeping the door on the top of my head open can I sense the Universe, but it also lets in the pollution. If there is a lesson, it is to learn to feel it, without reaction, to horror, disappointment, shock, for I can not understand how such thing could exist. But there is only one door, I can close it, or open it, and beyond is all good and evil.

That I am not pleased with myself is proof that I am working on it. I do get to close the door and rest. I am on the wrong planet, It does need repair, and it is still a mystery.

I feel about the same way you do... perhaps worse. Yeah, I feel worse.

I think you fit in here and I know I accept you.I can relate to a lot of things you write about,it's good for me to see that I am not the only one to have experienced them.I think that is what this board is for.I dont relate to everyone and vice-versa,but I like to see input from a variety of people because statistically,the more people who share themselves here,the more likely I am to find some that I can relate to.

I never could describe exactly why...something minor but negative event/word said,would happen and I would start thinking about suicide,again.
I dont know if this is AS or my particular psychy,but for me, it's like one of those domino effects....someone knocks down one and the rest follow....thats how it is with me.....It's not just one little push that hurts.....it is the "domino effect".One push and I can see all the dominoes from the past that are linked to all the dominoes of the future and they are connected and all coming down....and as they fall...they make the sound of my failure.It has got better with age but it still happens...I still think..."I need to get off this planet NOW....but I breath through the thoughts and feelings,they dont last as long as they use to,and eventually they become less intense and subside.

I dont have a "fix" for you,just wanted you to know that I think you fit in here,well.

Thankyou for the replies. I feel I should reply to each rather than simply carry on on my own rant.

KBABZ-Do you mean being abused as in abuse in my past or as in verbal abuse on here?

Shadexiii- Even as a child, my response to things that made me feel bad, was to smash things or to simply scream and cry. Now, I engage in the same behaviours still, although screaming is rare... I am more likely to make animal like noises when in utter misery...I also engage in self harm. If there is nothing suitable to break or throw or the pain is extreme, I more often hit myself, and little restraint is used as I do get very angry. I don't really wish to mention it to my gp given I am awaiting assessment for AS in case he takes this to mean I must have something else instead lol. I do not know how others with AS react to their pain/anger/strong emotions?

Inventor-I find your style of writing akin to spiritual teachers I have come across before...there is something almost Native American in their wisdom, if that makes sense? That is not to say no other race is wise, but that those of the Native American tribes seem to have this innate, natural, nature-based wisdom about them. I find it comforting, and the way you view the difficulties of AS comforting.

Alexander-If I truly believed in reincarnation, I would, and I do actually often ask what I did in my other lives that was so bad that I get so much in this life. I then wonder...am I being given back what I give out immediately, and maybe that is why it is so bad? Thus, if I am angry and unpleasant to a stranger on the street, maybe I immediately find someone else is in turn nasty to me? Sounds a little illogical,but I do sometimes wonder about that.

Ahayes-I am sorry you are feeling bad too.

Starr- I am always trying to find a way that I have enough self value to not rely on how others treat me for my sense of self worth. I do not know if other Aspie have this issue, but the more socially isolated I am, the more non existent I can feel. Yet, the more social contact I have, the more I need to escape to my own world. That is a paradox I am finding it hard to deal with. I have come to a point where I have given up even trying to make contact with others because the last person I spoke to on a regular basis, took offence at something I said and proceeded to tell others in her workplace, who proceeded to label me a 'menace'. The result is that I became very angry and am only just calming down a bit and not snapping at every stranger who attempts to say something to me. No matter how much I tell myself that another person's opinion isn't who I am, I seem to just take it on board. I read something where I am criticised or called something nasty, I get almost a physical pain in my chest. And I hate the fact I am inwardly so sensitive to such things. I want to be hard skinned and not care at all what others think of me.

Krex-thankyou. I think after a lifetime of finding you do not fit in, you expect to not find anywhere to fit in or to at least be accepted and not disliked? I got used to being on forum boards where I would post a topic and find that no-one replied, and the result was an intense feeling of not being wanted or liked. I am always amazed now when I do get replies to any of my topics as I have so come to expect to find no one relates or is interested at all. The domino effect is very apt, yes. Everything connects. One thing can remind one of every similar thing in the past. One name calling can remind you of all the other names you have been called. People seem to have this innate knowing where they know how best to hurt someone by attacking the points at which they are most vulnerable.

There's a chair here for all but the most intolerant and hateful of people (i.e. people who repeatedly state that we are animals who should be murdered).

I think you belong on WP.