Post Natal Depression...I feel very alone??

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I won't go into great detail as I've already said it in the Rants topic, but I'm basically feeling very down andd lonely. I go to a group with other ladies with PND but I'm the only one with aspergers. I have one friend in RL with aspergers but she doesn't have children of her own (her own personal choice) and is at the moment going through some intense struggles of her own, so I feel very isolated.

Having my son was hard - his heart rate dropped drastically ( cord was around his neck) so I had to be gassed to sleep and he was delivered via c section. Although I was deeply grateful that my son was safe and I didn't have to be awake for it all, I felt awful that he had gone through so much, and I still blame myself for it even though he's now 15 months and in very good health.

My apologies if it all seems a bit mumsy but I feel a lot safer coming here to talk than I do anywhere else at the moment.

Self-blame goes along with depression and crap self-esteem, and crap self-esteem (dunno if you have it or not) has a tendency to go hand-in-hand with Asperger's.

There is ABSOLUTELY NO WAY that you can be at fault for the cord wrapping itself around the baby's neck. NONE. It happens with long cords, and small babies, and large wombs, and after multiple pregnancies, and sometimes for no discernible reason at all, none of which are within anyone's control. It HAPPENS.

Totally normal to blame yourself, but totally not in any way or shape or form your fault.

Here's a story I will tell you, not for sympathy or my-lot-is-worse-than-yours, but because it has worked for me (even if I did have to use it again today). We lost our fourth child at 12 weeks' gestation in 2010. It was a bad time, just bad, everything was about as messed-up as it could be, and then I miscarried. On top of that, the first words out of my mother-in-law's mouth when we told her were something to the effect of, "See? I told you you were going to kill that baby."

So, yes, I still wake up in the middle of the night blaming myself for the baby's demise. Still. In 2014. Even after being blessed, out of the blue, with a normal pregnancy that resulted in a fourth healthy, living, wonderful child. Tell me that's unreasonable...

...and then apply that compassion to yourself, please.

Most of the time I can logic myself out of it-- tell myself that a lot of pregnancies miscarry in the first trimester, and that the only thing for which I was at fault was telling people before I started to show. Most of the time. Not always.

There are nights-- and it's usually nights, somewhere in the wee hours of the morning-- when I end up going somewhere quiet, away from all the sleeping people in our house, and spit, aloud, with all the venom I want to direct at myself, "You SHUT THE f**k UP!! I did the BEST I COULD!! s**t HAPPENS!! BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE!!" And similar.

It's not good for you to beat yourself up for a cord around a neck...

...and later (not too much later, at that) in his life, it won't be good for the baby either.

Antidepressants REALLY DO HELP with PND. Because, if you are otherwise happy, PND (we call it PPD in the States) is pretty much entirely due to all those WONDERFUL hormonal changes, sleep deprivation, stress of being a parent, and the fact that (especially if this is your first go-around, or if there are a boatload of kids) you've lost the schedule you used to have that allowed time for self-nurturing.

Ah, self-nurturing. Also known as why I'm on WrongPlanet, talking to you, at 9:00 pm-ish Eastern Daylight Time, when I have four wonderful, living, healthy children.

HANG IN THERE.

Thank you so much for the kind words BuyerBeware, I'm sorry for the loss you have experienced.

Things have really been up and down since I last wrote here. I attempted to overdose about a month ago now (my partner stopped me however so I only managed to get hold of about 6/7 tablets), my health visitor got me an appointment with the doc which from there I was sent for a mental health assessment (I went to it last Thursday). It was originally planned 2 months away but the doctor got it moved to this month thankfully.

The assessor asked me quite a lot of stuff, especially questions about childhood. I explained to her that my childhood was pretty Crap as I have had parents who have been emotionally distant for as long as I can remember. This meant that I had to look after myself both physically and emotionally from a young age...this meant that I saw, heard and experienced things outside my family home that I wouldn't wish upon another person. And all because my parents were "grieving" for the child that I would never be.

I'm going to anger managment classes, as the assessor believed that I have anger management problems (she isn't at all wrong as i've had anger issues for many years too) which are being made a lot worse by my mental health. I'm also going to be going to a counsellor, not sure where that will lead but at least the mental health service in Nottingham has decided to pull it's finger out its arse for once!

You aren't alone. Having Asperger's would make PPD (called Post-partum Depression here) even harder to deal with. I am self- and unofficially-diagnosed Asperger's and I had severe PPD after my first child. It actually started before that, but afterwards became pretty classic PPD. It combined with OCD which made it all even worse and there were situational issues as well. We can PM if you like. I'd rather not say anything else publicly about it. I think the sensory issues really, really act on the PPD.

My sister had a severe bout of post-natal depression after the birth of her last child. She was on the verge of killing herself and child. She went to a psych hospital and got the right medicines to help beat that depression.

This depression is not your fault and getting through it with the right help is very courageous.

I too had the umbilical thing with my 2nd, but they managed to get it unwrapped in time. I wasn't at all sure I had any type of ASD, but had wondered. Then found out both my sons (by different fathers) had it. It is hard, because I am dependent on routines and babies are not. I am glad you're getting help. Medication and therapy helped me, too.

Thank you all for you your replies. It's nice to know I'm not alone in feeling this way. I'll pm you sometime quiverswhiskers, not sure when though as I'm always busy at the moment which doesn't help my stress levels. It frustrates me that I can't make concrete plans about anything whether big or small as everything is so up in the air.