Just feel like cr@p.

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I guess I'm just going through a rough patch of some kind. I just feel really tired, I feel like crying at random times, and if I could, I'd just sleep most of the time. I don't know if my fluoxetine is doing me any good anymore. I think about suicide a lot these days. I think if I was actually going to do it, sleeping pills would be the best way to go. I'd just drift off to sleep permanently; no pain, no risk of a botched attempt resulting in severe disability, etc. I feel like crying in class a lot, and I carry one or two of my stuffed animals with me in my backpack....I'd feel better if I could just cuddle one of them in my arms while I'm sitting there in class, stroking/stimming with them, but I'm too scared that I'll get made fun of, or someone will take them away. Just knowing they're in my backpack helps some, tho - just to know that if I need to duck into the bathroom and just hug them while I rock back and forth helps. I feel really anxious and panicky in my math class in particular....I've had really bad experiences there.

Idk....I just feel sad and like there's a bunch of stones tied to me....and I'm lonely. I just feel like I'll never fit in...like, anywhere (in the real world, that is; I like it here on WP). No matter what I do, no matter how I try to change myself, I'll just never fit in anywhere, with anybody. Even if people like me at first, once they see how I really am, they end up hating or resenting me, or thinking I'm weird, or just want to get away from me. I just can feel the "unlikeable-ness" rolling off of me in huge, greenish stink clouds. I'm just not "fix-able." I have a new roommate this year, and I've been toying with the idea of giving her a small note that asks, "Do you like having me for a roommate?" and have little check boxes that say "Yes," "No," "Meh," or "OMG no, you SUCK....you're fat, you're ugly, you smell, I hate your stupid stuffed animals, and the sooner I come back from class to see you hanging in your closet by your neck, the better."

I've also been feeling anger towards my therapist, too....you know, the one who moved to Florida. She KNEW everything about me would go to hell when she left, but she did anyway. I've even started biting/picking/tearing at my nails again...they hurt, but I don't really care that much; you learn not to. My psychiatrist says that she wanted to go to Florida NOT to be closer to family, like she made me think, but just because she likes beaches. SHE LIKES BEACHES. WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SH!T. Oh well, it makes sense that I wasn't even on her radar when she made that decision. I seldom am, when people decide to change things so radically. I always end up alone in the end; it's like some effing unwritten law of the universe or something.

I'm just a mess right now....I'm sad, I'm angry, I'm lonely and I just wish I were dead or something. I really hate to post stuff like this because you guys know me as this cheerful, friendly, sweet, quirky person and it just feels like I'm trying to guilt trip people into saying they like me or suck up to me and stuff. So for that, I'm sorry. Things will be better when I'm no longer here, I promise. I really just needed to vent this. Thanks.

Don't be sorry. "Rants" like this are a normal way of blowing off steam. It's never a good idea to keep all those emotions bottled up inside. You never know where the poison will bubble up. You lack confidence in yourself, and I understand that. It's hard to be sure of yourself when feeling so lonely. Nonetheless, creating a checklist for your roommate is a bad idea; it'll just lead to more awkwardness. It's tough to get out there and talk to people but you should keep trying and hopefully find someone to hang out with. Is there anyone you know of that shares similar interests to you?

Try to take it easy out there.

Sleeping pills are not foolproof they?re actually quite risky.

I?m sorry things are going bad for you. The average peer group in early twenties are bastards generally the older they are the more humane people get so I think you?ll fit in one day. It?s hard for anybody to fit in with a college crowd I certainly couldn?t do it. But after that college era you?ll find your own group.

Don?t hate posting your troubles. It makes you more real, diverse and likeable.

Best Wishes

It's good to get these feelings out.Depression is tough,no one really gets it unless they have been there.Its a dark and scary place.I hope thing start to look up for you.I'm sorry about the therapist moving away,I've had that happen to me.It seemed like as soon as I opened up and trusted one,boom,they've found a better job somewhere.I'm hoping happiness comes your way.