Its occurred to me I'll likely end it eventually...

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Yeah sure for the time being there's people I care about that I don't want to hurt, but holding on to that just isn't working...not that I don't care but not wanting to cause mental turmoil contribute to mental illness in any of them is not enough reason to convince myself to keep living. So right now just trying to find stuff I don't want to miss like a couple concerts coming up...so just little stupid things to hang onto. Its like I have to live to see the concerts, after those I will have to find something else.

But not sure how long I will last, eventually it will take its toll regardless of how many times I 'get help' for feeling suicidal so i don't act on thoughts. And lets just say I am not exactly single by choice, I just suck I'm not good enough for anyone last guy I was sort of going out with(not official but going out getting to know each other) hasn't texted me in forever since I texted them that I got minutes back on my phone didn't really get my hopes up too much but still disappointing I guess.

Also though just the state of the world is even very depressing, seems things are going to crap....pretty sure death by suicide inevitable, just a matter of when...depends on when I finally run out of things to 'keep going' for and its just not worth continuing to live in pain/misery. Eventually no weed, no drugs will even provide significant relief...and have to admit that is one thing that has gotten me through thing but what then when even that sort of thing doesn't help give a little relief here and there.

Sorry for this depressing, feeling sorry for myself rambling but I honestly feel its just a matter of how much longer can I take it before I can't do it anymore.

Even if it wasn't so easy to feel depressed I think I'd still give it thought. I know there are certainly healthier old folks than my grandmother, but living with her now makes me worried I could easily end up as an almost vegetable. I'd rather not live to watch gameshows all day, on top of never knowing whether it's day or night or walking into walls or constantly losing balance, etc. Having my senses leave me would be terrible.

But yeah, it seems since my early teen years that periods of joy were very brief and felt more like false alarms than anything. Of course it's not all just that life sucks; even when things do go right, after some time I can feel myself sinking into old habits again. I guess it's learned after all this time or maybe just an inherent part of my personality.

I don't do concerts but I can relate to holding out for the next big thing. For a good while it was Lost, which I was glad to see through the end of, though since then nothing has been as good and some have even become worse. Same for video games, but at least now I can afford more of them. One big issue is my weight; I'd worked hard to get from 240 down to 180, and after moving from our own house to my grandmother's cramped split entry due to some bs reasoning from the bank, I lost a lot of self esteem and motivation, and gained all the weight back pretty quickly.

People say I should get fit so I can "go get those girls" and are probably not serious about it, but it's very annoying that's what they assume I'm doing it for or that I would be that shallow. I already know I'll more than likely not find any meaningful relationship regardless, what with having deeper issues that just can't be fixed. I'm tired of feeling tired. Having been more fit before, I think I have a bit of an understanding what causes some of my moods. At least if I was less exhausted and more versatile then I might have less of a stress.

Another thing is my brother is engaged and is going to have a baby girl soon. I wouldn't want to leave at a time that is meant to be happy, and wouldn't want it to result in the possible neglect of a child. If I did decide to go, I'd want it to be low key, and for as few to know about as possible, if any. Would be easy if it were a bit more practical now. The only two people I've confided in at all lately have been my last ex and a friend from xbox I've talked to for a few years now. They're good people and I don't blame them but I even have trouble connecting to them at times. It makes me think something is just plain wrong with me, and wonder if life is worth living if this overwhelming loneliness will always be there.

Don't mean to encourage you or anything. Just don't have anything uplifting to say. In my experience I've always felt better being able to relate to others than to be given the same old advice anyway.

Admittedly, the same has occured to me at times, though its' been a recurring theme of my experience that it is distinctly not a human right to understand why we're alive. Another is my constant underestimation of my survival instinct. This is all introspection, at my most despondent, I'm simeltaneously at my most determined to think my way through the predicaments at hand.

To be abjectly honest, marijuana already lost much of its' utility regarding me; although I imagine I'll take it up again, while for some time it helped me relax enough to keep studying, though lately I find that reconcilliation with my family demands academic ambition & 96% sobriety.

_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos

I have felt suicidal for a short period, but never for an extended time, so I don't really understand the feelings you are experiencing first hand.

It strikes me again though, that you don't have any goals or dreams for the future. It doesn't have to be a profession as in work, but could be something volunteer based. I am only using this as an example as animals is one of my special interests, but that would be something you could perhaps start volunteering for, working in a shelter, etc. You might take a class or two related to the subject even, and become more knowledgable. I have heard it said here by someone that one of the best things to do when you are feeling bad is help someone or something else. You may not feel much hope for your own life but there are people and animals that you could make a difference for and help. It would be better to be something that comes from your own interest area, but ultimately if you can not find something, doing anything positive would be better then nothing. It is worth a try at least. With animals, there are so many that are really helpless and need somebody to care. You could be that person, and animals have more feelings then most people and science realizes. They feel the same things as us, loneliness, pain, fear, anxiety... Things you understand and are capable of doing something about. Or if it was a people based charity, like say a women's and children's shelter there would be even more direct a difference you can make.

^Still think it might be cool to volunteer at an animal shelter, though I admit I am afraid I'd even fail at that...or being able to show up consistently but its something i've thought about. But yeah don't really have an goals or like purpose I am striving towards, I think eventually it might be cool to create a brewery but that's more just one of those fleeting thoughts of something that could be cool someday if I get off SSI due to not needing it anymore or something.

Of course helping animals or people can help me feel somewhat better since I feel I am doing something positive that people benefit from...but of course when its all said and done the misery is still there....also admittedly trying to help others can stress me out, which I feel bad about since I don't like being so useless.