On the edge of the abyss.

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Hey all. I just signed up a few days back. Anyways, I suppose I feel it necessary to spill my guts on my current problems. I'm honestly not even sure why I'm doing this, posting on a forum of strangers who know absolutely nothing about me. But here we go.

I think I might be turning into an alcoholic. I guess going through 36 years of hell dealing with my mental issues hasn't helped at all, but I've been consuming a 24 tall can of beer, plus a small 200 ml of vodka every night. I follow this up with smoking marijuana before passing out.

I don't want to exactly tell you my life story, but maybe some background would be better. My parents divorced when I was about 2 years old. When I was about 6, my mom started going through a blizzard of boyfriends around this time frame and we moved around a lot. I'm thankful I had my dad who at least seemed to care for me and my brother. As my mom seemed to lavish any real affection on her carousel of male lovers. One of her boyfriends close friend ended up molesting my brother when he was about 12 and I was around 9. We were homeless multiple times, and it didn't help that I exhibited all the usual high spetrum autism traits. Looking down all the time, strange awkward movement, going into panic mode anytime people talked to me. Bullies were of course, always the worst.

When I graduated from High School, I tried to attend my local community college, but the anxiety got the better of me. It certainly wasn't like High School, where one was forced by law to attend. After a brief conversation with Hades over the merits of suicide, I ended up taking some medication. I suppose it also helped when I got a job as an installer for Dish Network.

All was well for the most part. I had a crazy girlfriend around this time frame who had even bigger issues than I did if that can be believed. And despite my co-workers thinking that I would eventually shoot up the building over some work related rage, I hung on for the most part.

This all changed when I turned 30 and hurt my back. Facing my mental issues was one thing, but no physically injured left me into a slow descent. I was homeless for a number of months. Just crashing on peoples couches when I could. So I decided to go back to school. Maybe even in my later age, I was still able to make something of myself.

Being out here in California, the discrimination against those with autism is epidemic. With the economy off the rails, it compounded that problem with the NT to a point where even in school I felt useless for accepting money from my mom for rent. Especially since I really don't like her at all. A huge bout of loneliness engulfed me. Even the old thoughts of suicide bared its ugly head, and I've been contemplating that for months now. After all, I'm 36 and dealing with the same issues I was when I was a kid. How can it ever get better? So, I did end of taking some medication via emergency counselor. I admitted to her that I was thinking of ending my life, and was puzzled that it would be such a big deal. I mean, we all die. All of us. Even the NT will all die off eventually. Tiss life. So why would a NT give a damn about my life before I became suicidal? It just doesn't make sense. Is this just an ego boost for the NT? That if they pretend to care, then they can perform the necessary mental gymnastics to fool themselves into thinking that way? Oh well.

Anyways, even before then I've been self medicating. But it used to be every other day I would booze up. Now it's literally every other day, and I just can't seem to stop. I have found god recently through the good sisters of the Latter Day Church of Christ who I ran into on campus. Bless them. But even prayer just doesn't really seem to help. I mean it does! I do feel peace, but the need to numb myself just overwhelms all.

Sorry for this ramble.

I have a somewhat oddball suggestion for you - switch to ganja entirely, despite some risks, it has some neuroprotective effects on the symptoms of trauma and cerebral degredation brought on by intoxicants or physical cranial injury, and will do a lot more for the pain of musculoskeletal injuries than drinking ever could. I believe as a result of my own experiences that cannabis can help those who are accustomed to it let go of the more difficult habits to break. By comparison, marijuana also hardly touches one's liver. We know enough about you now to respect your choices and offer means to better your health.

I'm hardly what you'd call monotheistic but all the same, a wise friend mentioned to me recently that all I need to survive is breath and light. Even on the worst of days, I find myself agreeing with this.

_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos

States are always oppressive, but minds are consistently free. Fortunately I'm pretty sure the oppression commonly seen in the united states is reaching a sort of critical mass, where it can't really be sustained financially or ethically. There's a lot of meaningful work to be done, for us on the spectrum from what I've seen this is a matter of finding the right niche.

_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos