I need some anecdotes please

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My marriage is over, right now I?m disillusioned and I can?t imagine how to go forward. We were together for over a decade, a lot happened; many marriages would have crumbled under the same strain. I know that isn?t much detail, it?s too raw/recent.

I have to start looking forward, but to be honest I?m fairly depressed right now and all I can imagine is a bottomless pit of despair.
So for those of you who have been through this, if you are comfortable sharing, what did you learn from the experience of separation? Good, bad, indifferent ...all welcome.

First, I'm so sorry to hear that; hugs to you. It's not an easy thing to go through and I feel for you. I have absolutely been there where you are now! It happened more than twenty years ago now, but I still remember how I felt and what happened following. It felt insurmountable at the time, but I did recover from the loss, grief, stress, etc.

When my marriage irretrievably broke down, it was mutual that he move out of our apartment. I felt an enormously mixed set of emotions. On the one hand, the relationship had become so unbearable that I was relieved the nightmare was over and I could be free of the stress we were causing each other.

On the other hand ......loneliness crashed down on me like a ton of bricks. Not least because I had never actually lived alone before, and that was to be the first time. I had gone pretty much straight from my parents' home to a roommate situation, and straight from there to living with my boyfriend who became my husband.

When we split up, I was left alone in our apartment thinking "What now?" Again, very mixed emotions. Glad the fights and conflicts and emotional abuse (mutual by that time) and passive aggressive stuff was over. [i]Kind of curious and almost excited to be by myself, with the freedom to slob out if I wanted, have my things where I left them without someone moving them and freaking me out, etc.

But also, lonely. I vividly remember one particular visit to the supermarket one evening. I had run out to get some things, and night had fallen. Dusk and early darkness always seems like a really lonesome time, to me.

I remember walking back out of the store with my supplies and feeling my aloneness HIT me with full impact. I felt all alone in the world. I missed my husband even though by that time I kind of hated the putz and was SO done with it all. But you can miss something or someone even if they had not been good for you. The bond was still lingering.

I found it very hard to cut those emotional bonds over the next few weeks and months. It's a process. You have to have time to get the person out of your system. The longer the marriage, the tougher this is probably going to be, because everything about your life together is now gone, and your life alone is different. There is nobody always there anymore. It's just you.

This feels like a mixed blessing. Even though we both wanted it over and I wasn't an "abandoned party", I still felt those bonds and that missing of him. I missed the companionship even though it had turned bad.

What I did was to throw myself into my new independence. I knew it was sink or swim because I was falling into depression. Again, even though I wanted it over and was as much the agree-er to splitting up as he was.

I hadn't had a drivers' licence before, so I took lessons, passed my test, and bought a little car. That was a big step. That distracted me alot, because it felt like such a HUGE acheivement and of course something very new and novel in my life.

Something similar might help you now -- you may already drive but if there is anything at all you can think of that you don't do and would like to, now may be a good time to aim for it. The trying and achieving of something different makes for a really good distraction from your emotional turmoil and the grief of the loss.

Even a divorce that you wanted or instigated can still cause massive feelings of grief, because you have still experienced a loss, a death, in fact. A loss of the life you had been living (companionship, teamwork, etc). A death of one chapter of your life, but a birth of the next.

Any loss creates some grieving and needs a grieving process, even losses you yourself want and know is for the best. That's the way mine felt to me. I knew our divorce would be the best thing for me and for him, but I still grieved for what once was and what might have been.

Throwing myself into the new role of person alone helped take my mind off the sadness and give me some goals I could feel proud of reaching. They were only silly little goals to most people --- patch that hole in the wall all by myself after a trip to Home Depot! Get my drivers licence!

A lot of this stuff most people have already "got down-pat." But to me they were the first time I was alone in dealing with them and it gave me a sense of accomplishment and that I was going to be okay.

Those things gave me that "light at the end of the tunnel". I started to realize I was going to survive this emotionally. I still felt abject loneliness that came and went in spikes and waves, but things got slowly better and better. I also had few friends, and I pushed myself out to a situation that involved one of my interests/pursuits. That didn't go well at first either, but I persisted and I got some good friends eventually.

DISCLAIMER:

All of the above I've shared is only a factual account of what happened to me and what I felt and the things I did.

In NO WAY do I mean to boast or show off or say "Look at me, I did that, you can too." If anyone takes that meaning, you've misinterpreted me 100%, as that's not my purpose in sharing this.

I want to merely to tell the story of how I was at rock bottom and in a very dark sad place of grief and loneliness, and that I thought I'd never make it out, but I did manage to do so.

That's not boasting, that's sharing so that someone might feel encouraged that if one person did eventually feel better and manage to go forward out of their grief, by and by, it's not impossible to hope that they might be able to do that too. I just want to give light at the end of the tunnel.

Amity, that wasn't addressed to you, but to a limited "others" on WP who have complained about this although doing so out of misunderstanding.

I hope anything I've shared about how this went for me can help in any way. I only post to say I was in the same situation, felt pretty despairing, and I actually did not feel like I could ever get through it, but I managed to and I'm as surprised as anyone -- and ALL I intend for that information is to try to help the OP have hope that these sad times do eventually fade and you can move forward with life again.

.

Cheers for replying, and for your kind words. Yes your marital breakdown and mine are similar, it?s fairly mutual, and we are harming each other just by co existing. It?s tragic knowing that you?re hurting someone you love, just by being you.
There is a slight relief in knowing that I can stop trying so hard now, I won?t have any ?what ifs?, and in that sense the chapter is closed. It saddens me so very much to say goodbye to our past, and to the future I taught we would have, but it?s not to be.

There is a positive, the timing is amazing, this morning the local clinic was in touch about therapy and I?m finally off the waiting list, getting my first session this Friday.

Your post does not read like bragging to me, it scares me somewhat to know I will likely face the same experiences, but it is exactly what i needed, honesty and reality, it is grounding. And yes, knowing that at least one other person on this planet made it to the other side gives me hope that i am also capable of doing the same.
So the next chapter, I have no idea, yet. Your right about trying something different and mastering it, driving isn?t an issue, I?m a dab hand/good at doughnuts ...something challenging that i could throw myself into... it is food for taught, many thanks BirdInFlight.

Mind's Maze

Oh, I?ve seen the ghosts of purity,
Draped beneath their liar?s sheets,
I?ve felt the sadness rip and tear
Even though I sleep,
But through the sorrow and through the vein,
The memories become a wisp of pain
And hither toward the forest they go
Where my mind never dare tread.
No my mind never dare tread.

Oh, I?ve journeyed to distant lands,
And yes they?re all really quite bland
The same desires the mottled mass,
A different lass but the same result,
a single dream crashing against the beach of hope,
And oh I?ve had my fun,
Oh yes I?ve had my fun.
Yet my brain is full of ghosts,
These ghosts they never swim away,
They haunt until my eyes go weak
And even when I?m awake

I know that I?m asleep.

I just wish it was deep.

My relationship fell apart over 30 years ago. I was devastated and, while we were together, felt I could not live without him. After a period of time I realized we never should have been together in the first place. I wanted a family and he just did not want to be alone.

Glad you got something of use from my post, Amity. And it's great timing that you are getting your therapy sessions started! It reminds me I completely forgot to mention, during the aftermath I found an amazing therapist and she helped tremendously in helping me get "myself" back again. I hope your therapy sessions too will really give you a huge boost in getting through all this.

It sounds like you are starting to turn the corner, Amity. It's good to hear that. I can also relate to Bird's dilemma of dysfunction vs. loneliness. While I've never been married I kept a few unhealthy relationships going longer than I should have because I was afraid to be alone again. I'm holding off on romance entirely these days until I sort out my problems. It may take a long time, but at least I'm not worrying about someone else 24/7 and can focus. Maybe that will be a positive for you as well.

Both of my major relationships ended with the other person breaking it off, but upon reflection I realized that (1) I should have done it myself already, and (2) I was able to get over them quickly. It was mainly the fear of losing them that held me back, while the actual consequences weren't as bad. That's happened a lot in my life, but somehow I'm conditioned to always expect the worst.

Right now I can?t imagine a future without him, he was my best friend, with time, I?ll probably conclude that we were a wrong match. Thank you for the poem, I quite like the line ?a single dream crashing against the beach of hope?.
I am relieved to have access to talk therapy, for a while I taught I would be eligible for CBT only, I?m glad I decided to get medical support, I?m stronger for it. Worrying about it 24/7 and the fear I?ve felt about it ending is over now too, my focus will indeed be different, more personally productive I hope. Thanks all

I was the same; couldn't imagine a life without him and thought I would genuinely never get over him. That feeling seemed to go all the way down to my very bones. In time, by and by....I found myself over him and never looked back. It feels like a miracle but it happens, and you will get there. It doesn't feel like that now but it will, and it's a beautiful thing eventually. Big hugs to you.

Is it proven that people with autism have a harder time of letting things go?

I still remember past events that haunt me with full force to this day. I feel like such a shattered person. Anyway, I'm glad that poem helped you out. I wrote it a few years ago. The feelings still linger. I think you'll be okay though, divorce proceedings will give you a sense of closure. It's not going to be a happy time, but it'll be finalized and formalized. As long as you don't break things off without fully investing yourself in what's happening around you, the wounds should heal.

A long time ago, I got dumped by the girl I loved. I thought my life was over. Decades later I learned that she cheated on all her husbands.
What I thought was the worst day of my life turned out to be my best day! I am not saying that is your situation. I am saying that sometimes from the perspective of years later, what you thought was a disaster was a gift!
I am married now (again) to the woman I really love, and it Will happin to you!