I'm still alive, but still not doing great

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About 15 years ago, when I was 12 or 13, my older sister attempted suicide. When Mom told me about it, she was mad. This was pretty soon after it happened; within two weeks. She told me that my sister had faked a suicide attempt. She went on about how selfish my sister is and said that people who really want to die don't fail. She told me that my sister was "just acting out for attention." (which... She never got)

After all of that, Mom made me tell her that I never thought about killing myself. I was never given a chance to be honest.

If I were being honest, I would have said that I thought about it constantly.

That conversation kept me from actually trying to kill myself, though, because the thought of waking up in a hospital to a family who would then have PROOF (in my mind) that I was selfish and emo and worthy of scorn, was just sickening. I would have needed some reassurance that there was NO chance of living for me to even try.

That is still a thing that stops me -- that fear of waking up -- but in college I started worrying about who would find me and what effects that might have.

I couldn't kill myself at home, because family would find me. I couldn't kill myself outside, because a child might find me. I couldn't kill myself in the dorms or on campus at my university, because too many people would be affected... And what if someone found me "in time" and "saved" me? No good.

The university I went to is on the coast; the campus touches the Pacific. I thought for a long time about swimming out into the ocean -- about just swimming and swimming until my arms gave out and I drowned. Like the protagonist in The Awakening, which I'd had to read in my last year of high school.

I'd stand on the beach late at night, sometimes past midnight, completely alone, often drunk, and just stare at the water, with huge tears, wishing I didn't have to go back inside and get on with life, but completely unable to do anything else.

That's how I feel tonight. ;_;

sorry you are feeling so blue.

Let the river of sadness you reside in carry you toward a peaceful inlet of happiness. You are in college, working toward a goal. You will be okay.

Carry on.

I know that feeling.

That is one sh***y feeling. I hate that feeling, and have it often.

I wonder how much it is due, not to the condition, but to the constant striving to cover it up.

I feel like an ass telling you to hang in there when I get so tired myself.

Hang in there anyway. I honestly do believe that it can be better. I just don't know how.

Well sh*t, hopefully you try to be understanding and supportive towards your sister, since your parents obviously suck...they do realize those sorts of accusations and attitude towards someone who attempts suicide usually just makes things worse as well as increasing chances they might try again. Sorry you are dealing with this though, knowing if your family finds out how much you actually struggle and you have thought of suicide you'd just be met with no support....and just accusations like your sister got. It is not true that when people are serious about suicide they always 'succeed' that's f***ing stupid but those people have never sat there contemplating it so they wouldn't know how hard it is or how its much easier said to kill yourself than actually do it body does everything it can to survive.

Just pisses me off when people accuse people who attempt suicide of just wanting attention and crap...I mean sure sometimes part of it might be due to lack of positive attention and wanting that and feeling they can't get that but then don't humans in general need some kind of human connection and positive attention from people that are close to them? Also though if you're dead you can't really 'enjoy' this attention now can you....so it doesn't even make sense logically.

Unfortunately, the college stuff was all past tense. I graduated in June '09. My computer science degree has been useless to me. I'm thinking about going to law school next year, but where the hell am I going to get letters of recommendation for my applications? :-/

My mom just wants her babies to be normal. I've never had the feeling that she cares about any of us; in her world, her kids were the chains that bound her in an abusive marriage with my father. And now my younger brother and I are her greatest failures. Her other 3 kids are married with families and good jobs; it's just me and my baby brother lagging.

I don't have much contact with my family. My older sister tried too hard to be my mommy after Mom left abruptly one day (in the Fall when I was 13), and that carried on into adulthood. Since I didn't understand that dynamic at all until within the last year, it destroyed any hope of us being close, which we never were.

Fun fact: Mom stopped me from running away by telling me (when I was 7 or 8, maybe 9) that if I ever ran away, she would not let me come home. She said it more than once.

One time around that same age range, I didn't want to go home from the park and I was in complete meltdown mode, screaming, plopped on the ground, huge tears... Mom got the family (including dad) to just leave me. She told me they were just going to leave me there if I didn't want to come. I started chasing after them when they were at the car already, and my dad started pulling away when I was almost too the car. Even after he saw me, he didn't stop right away.

They laughed at me hysterically, the whole family, for being such a baby and thinking they would really leave me. They said I should have just not thrown a fit. They said that should teach me not to be a crybaby.

Every time we went to that park after that, I fantasized about staying and living there...

Last edited by AmethystRose on 20 Sep 2014, 1:45 pm, edited 1 time in total.

That, I'm afraid, I cannot help with in the least, as I have no experience in that arena. Take solace in the fact you graduated though, that's pretty cool. Something to be proud of, no?