On being gaslighted

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I have come to the conclusion that my mother has been gaslighting me for my entire life, and she has also been using my autism diagnosis for that very purpose. She often tells me that I suffer from cognitive distortions and that I "remember things differently from how they actually happened".

Primarily, she tells me these things when I speak of how I was often abused as a child. By my aunt and uncle. By my sister. By my stepfather. By school staff. By my classmates. And by her.

Let's face it, most of the people I just listed are not spending any time in jail because I was gaslighted into silence, and now the statute of limitations has passed on their crimes. Now it has been confirmed by my therapist that I really do not have any cognitive impairments. And it has been confirmed that I have a better idea of what is going on than most people want to give me credit for.

My mother is the kind of woman who will say something extremely unkind and unfair one second, and then deny she ever said those exact words a few seconds later when I bring it to her attention. She always tries to blame those moments on my non-existant cognitive impairments. I am not willing to play that game with her any longer.

What is "gaslighting" ?

Gas lighting is a slang for someone pretending to be on your side while secretly undermining you.

OP my Mom's the same way. The only way I can deal with it is to have as little contact with her as possible.

It's a form of mental abuse where you deceive or intimidate someone into seeing things a certain way rather than the way they actually are. It's a popular tactic among criminals, abusive partners, and people with sociopathic tendencies. It ranges from distorting simple events or conversations to imposing a whole alternate reality on the victim. The term originates from the 1944 film 'Gaslight', in which a sinister man attempts to convince his naive wife that she is insane.

I don't know much more about it or how it applies to us in real life, but I would think that many ASD people are vulnerable to gaslighting because they may lack confidence in their own senses and rely on others to fill in the blanks.

Last edited by Evil_Chuck on 24 Sep 2014, 11:20 pm, edited 2 times in total.

A form of manipulation. It's what abusers use to make the victim doubt themselves thinking they are crazy and their own perception is off and their memory is terrible. I think anyone can use this method like if someone regrets what they said to someone so they deny it and convince the person that never happened and the person doubts themselves thinking they got the wrong person and got confused with who said it to them so they drop it and move on. I suspect people have done this to me and I thought I had a terrible memory and perhaps I really was correct and I got convinced I was not correct.


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslighting

I've actually never heard of that term before; I learn something new everyday.

OP: it's good that you recognize what your mom is doing. Out of curiosity, do you live with your mom? If you do, then how would you stop her from playing this "game" with you? I mean, ignoring her or walking away only works to a certain degree.

I do not live with my mom, but she insists upon calling me every day, and she is the co-signer of my apartment lease, so maintaining diplomatic relations with her is essential in my situation.

I think ^this^ is exactly the right way to deal with a gaslighting mother.

You can't stop a controlling parent from being controlling by arguing with them about it, or by fighting against it when you notice it, or even by just trying to ignore it. You can try, but nothing will get fixed. Nothing will get fixed, and you'll probably end up hurting yourself or your parent, or both, in the process.

I think that's a waste of emotional energy. I think it's best to just politely remove yourself from that parent's life.

I was constantly "gas lighted" by my family.

In the'40s and '50s there was no such thing as Asperger Syndrome and little was known of autism and my family was poor, so I became "feeble minded" in my family's eyes.

The details were unpleasant and my parents never learned different or changed their attitude despite my successes. I never had a real conversation with either of my parents; I think it would have been nice.

Younger aspies with better educated parents are lucky.

I was constantly "gas lighted" by my family.

In the'40s and '50s there was no such thing as Asperger Syndrome and little was known of autism and my family was poor, so I became "feeble minded" in my family's eyes.

The details were unpleasant and my parents never learned different or changed their attitude despite my successes. I never had a real conversation with either of my parents; I think it would have been nice.

Younger aspies with better educated parents are lucky.

my mom is a narcissist too and she damaged me badly

she barged into my house today and says wants to stay for 3 days

im barely in contact with her and hardly call her up

but forcibly she forces herself into my house

i cant sleep and indirectly i avoided her and made no eye contact

how do i get rid of her

sorry the thread was about your problem

i cant help you much as im myself suffering

she is evil, scheming women who has brainwashed my hubby, inlaws and my relatives against me