so sick of everything

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i dont know where to begin, i feel i have really ragequited on everything. theres just too much at once and i really need to filter my thoughts and feelings. i was diagnosed with adhd and aspergers pretty late at the age of 18. naturally ive had a rough time at school throughout my life, constantly being bullied and with a constant feeling of not belonging anywhere. i could never accept my autism until now, ive not managed to google for any information about it or seek any help until a month ago, ive basically just tried to bury it and hoped it would go away. ive just felt too embarrased and uncomfortable with it. im not able to talk to friends about my autism, this is the first time i open up about it anywhere because i feel its likely that people can actually relate and possibly even understand me here. right now i just feel so angry and im so sick of everything. i feel like im the only one of my species continously failing at trying to become a human being like everyone else. i feel heartbroken because several really close friends has just cut off contact with me one by one without even explaining why. im just becoming lonlier and lonlier. i dont at all understand why they left me, thus assuming its because im inappropriate and dont deserve friends. my special interest is face painting (which i thankfully am amoungst the best in the world at). when i feel distressed i just grab my facepainting kit and calm down. my facepainting makes so many children happy. i try to especially focus on using it to raise money for handicaped kids because i feel like i atleast should make others happy since i cant find happiness. im always there for others when they are feeling down. i know i am a very kind person but it doesnt seem to matter since people wont hang out with me anyway or ask me how i feel. i feel such a huge guilt, when i was 14-17 i had a major depression and my mum helped me through my tough time. i know it took its toll on her, i can see her fade more and more for each day. her joy, energi and spirit gradually dissapearing and i know its all my fault. and its killing me. i feel she really wasted her time, i will never be like other people, some things develop so excruciatingly slow for me and thats not my fault. i can feel my autism taking controll over me more and more for every passing day and its terrifying because there is nothing i can do to stop it. this being said my autism is only one of many problems. for example im also having a hbtq identity crisis. im really starting to question if there is a place for me in this world. sometimes i wish there was a buttom i could click on to just dissapear but i would never do that. that would destroy my family completely. sometimes i wish i could, though. i just needed to share this with someone. to whoever reading this, thank you so much for taking your time to listen to me so i can lessen my burden a little bit. <3

First off let me say welcome to WP! I understand how you feel. Many of us have been through the same things. The good news is that there is hope for many who are on the spectrum. There are a few of us around here who have made it through many decades of life and been able to have a reasonable life, both personal and professional. It is not easy, to be sure, but it can be done. The school years (especially high school and below) are the worst I think. It took me several years to recover my self respect and self confidance after HS, but then I made it through college and got a good job as an engineer. So, there is hope for you too.

It is really good to hear that you are able to work with the children and do things that make so many of them happy. Perhaps you might consider making your artistic talents into a profession. A professional makeup artist, for example. Anyway, once again welcome to our little community. Here there is always someone to listen who understands and would like to help. I wish you the best of luck.

There are differences with each person, but what you are going thru is also very similar to many, many people on the spectrum. Its like we all make our own path but go thru the same tunnel.

Yes it can be hard on family, especially the ones the really are concerned and try and help. But its not a pass/fail thing so much as a process, a learning curve. You may have focused on the NT world, but now know, or soon will know why many things are the way they are with you.

There's lots of folks here and many pass thru new regularly. So you can count on getting a lot of info and perspectives over time. But we are not doctors/medical professionals. Just ASD people and a few NTs who have ASD family or bf/gf.

The loss of friends may have a lot to do with the end of school years and your ages. That is a time when the old social groups tend to fade. It may not be so much you or your behavior.

Do you have any pics of your face painting work? Be a shame to have one of the best in the world and not see any.

I can relate to a lot the stuff you posted. Losing contact with school friends is common. You can make better friends outside of school. You can have friendships that aren't dependant on being in a certain place.

Anyway, don't feel like you're a waste of your mum's time. If you make kids happy and raise money for charity then you must be a really good person.

Am I speaking to a fellow Aussie? I notice you use Commonwealth spelling but in Britain your post would've been at about 1:00AM and Canadian spelling has become a bit Americanized in recent years.

Hello!

Okay, so what's happening with your friends? Are you reaching out to them/calling them and they're not responding at all? It's possible that some of them might be busy or dealing with some things, so they haven't had the chance to talk to you. I understand that a quick text or phone call to just acknowledge you or even to say hi should've been made, but again, try not to jump to a conclusion until an adequate amount of time has passed or reasonable efforts have been made.

Continue using this forum and the internet to educate yourself, but I strongly suggest if you haven't already done so, to find a good therapist or psychologist and meet with him/her on a regular basis. He/she will most likely be able to provide better guidance and help teach you the skills to cope with the issues you're going through.

Lastly, don't blame yourself for what your mom has gone through and the toll it took on her. She loves you and wants to help you in any way she can. Maybe what you can do to gently lift her spirit is to express gratitude. Tell her how much you love her and how much you appreciate what she's done for you. A few kind words can go pretty far By the way, facepainting is awesome (I had it done on me when I was little); it really does brighten a kid's day. Don't forget that you do find happiness when you're doing what you love, which in this case, is facepainting!