I'm just soooo depressed

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I've been dealing with depression and other stuff all my life, but these past few weeks have been extra depressing.

It started last month, when my boss gave me a 1-week paid vacation after working for him every single day for 3 years with no break.

I spent the week driving around the countryside... farms.. I was bored most of the time... having no friends and nothing i particularly wanted to do, I felt like my job had finally ruined my ability to enjoy anything anymore.... I just kept driving until I was out of money for gas and drove back home.

Now i'm back at work, and every day I think really depressive dark thoughts. Is this what i'm working for? To continue subsiding in this horrible depressing joyless life??

What's in it for me? Do I get to go home to a family or a wife? No. Do I get to hang out with friends? No. Do I get to enjoy my vacations? No. Do I even get to go home and just feel good about myself? Defiinitely not.

I was looking for another job for months but only half-looking... one app here and there.. now I'm not looking anymore at all. I'm thinking that I will never enjoy any job I have because I will always be working for someone else and always be broke or close to broke (no bachelors degree).

I'm just tired... and sick... and depressed with it all. The longer I live and the more I try, the more I feel like i'm just a slave working to make OTHER people happy.

Does anyone relate? Can anyone give me some advice?

Hey.

With any kind of job, you're always working for someone else (eg. boss or customers), even if you have your own business. Do you have health insurance through your work? If you do, then I strongly suggest that you schedule an appointment with a psychologist or a therapist. They're better able to help you navigate through this world and can equip you with the skills and tools to hopefully improve your outlook on life. Honestly, I think you need to do some reflection and figure out what sort of work/task/environment gives you joy. I know that there has to be something that makes you happy/gives you a sense of purpose, and it may take some time for you to figure that out, but that's perfectly alright. From there, look into the types of jobs that fit the criteria. Maybe consider going back to school, if it's necessary for you to get that dream career.

I do hope that you go and see a specialist because you seem to be stuck in a rut. Oh and try to go in with an open mind.

Beau gave good advice. It seems like you do need to try and actively jumpstart a new phase in your life.

Just about one aspect, Introducing some changes and new things can be helpful. As an example, next time plan a trip to go on for your vacation. Work with a travel agent to get on one of those organized tours to see something/somewhere that seems interesting. Those are set up to include individual travelers. It will depend on what you can afford, but if you plan ahead, you might be able to save and even go out of the country. But don't wait a year to start. Weekends or normal time off also is an opportunity to do things. Maybe investigate some interest area or multiple things over time. As an example, if there is something you like, try and find a convention for it. Sometimes there are even short weekend organized trips available.

Have you tried Meetup or Gumtree? Usually there are people arranging to hook up in groups who are also bored, looking for company. I find my anxiety puts me off more than the effort it takes to meet new people. I think it is good if you at least have a mutual interest.

what type of work are you doing?
If it is repetitive and boring then that could be making you depressed, also if it is a dead-end job. I get depressed easily when things don't go my way.

Sometimes I think the Amish way of life would suit me better.

You dont have to worry about the stock market crashing and losing your pension.
You cant be fired.
They socialize more because they dont have TV.
Everyone helps each other out.

The customer is always right.

I hate that expression.

Basically, a lot of jobs suck. It is not something we may choose to do if there was other, easier options.

I get that people on here find living depressing. But then it also feels good to be alive. I kind of hate it when people grovel about life being miserable and people point out how lucky we are because in the Third World, they suffer from deadly diseases, have no food or clean drinking water and would kill for what we take for granted. OK, so we are branded selfish even though we did not speak ill of another country in the first place, but we get compared to one. I never understood this attitude from some people.

I think this year has been awful in general and I reckon it may be unhealthy to "rush" the year away to await the start of 2015. What's another year?

I guess years are supposed to signal a fresh beginning, not that any year brought me prosperity, but you know what I mean. I have some fictional vibe in my mind that just because 2005 was swell, 2015 will be too, yet that was almost an entire decade ago. My life has changed stage by stage every year since. What made 2005 so good? I don't know the answer to my own question. I guess it is because I met Laura and being she has been my decade's long obsession other than my support workers, I recognize there is unhealthy thinking going on here.

I get that I am lonely. So I tend to look into the annals of my mind to see if there is anything to salvage. Yet there is just memories.