I feel dead

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I used to be extremely depressed all the time. A year ago, I would go on my break at work and stand on the roof, wishing I could just make myself jump off. Of course I had to have this stupid fear of heights, and I could never even get close to the edge without instinctively backing away. Then I would give up, and just sit down and cry for almost an hour.

I used to cry all the time. I used to feel so horrible that I would actually feel physical pain. Anytime I remembered something painful, I would feel it reverberate through my body, and when it reached my hands I could feel it in my finger joints, actual pain. And it really hurt.

I want to feel that way again. I don't feel anything anymore. I think of the things that used to make me hurt, and I remember the pain, but I don't feel it. I remember people I used to care about, but I don't anymore. I don't care about them. I don't care about myself. I don't care about anything.

I want to hurt myself, to feel it again. I don't even feel real.

I feel like I'm already dead.

Hey, have you been to your doctor recently?

As in my primary care physician, or a therapist?

Anyway, it's a no to both. I used to take Adderall, but something changed, and now all it does is make me feel horrible. I haven't let my doctor know this yet, he scheduled an appointment for late December.

And the last time I saw a therapist, I was going weekly, and in July I came across information on Asperger's and realized it was the first time I felt I really could relate to any condition or group of people this closely. So naturally, I wrote a huge email out about it and sent it to my therapist. When I went in to see her the next week, she basically laughed at me, said even if I have it, it doesn't really matter because I can deal with those issues (like social problems) like any other person with similar issues. Even though she admitted she didn't know much about it. I left with a huge headache from being so frustrated, and I never set up another appointment with a therapist since.

Hey, I just saw this after I pm'ed you. Even though I barely know you I've really enjoyed speaking to you on here and relating similar life stories. I know that feeling pretty well, and I hope it passes soon. I'm totally here to talk to if you need someone.

Primary care physician/General practitioner. Consider a visit to them as early as possible, you have a lot to deal with and it could get tougher, it sounds like your health needs support and attention.
Yeah, therapists are flawed humans like the rest of us; I?ve had some unusual reactions from them to things I?ve said. Have you ever tried therapy via email?

Hey.

What medications are you currently taking? Maybe you're experiencing one of the side effects. I agree with Amity; when you can, call your PCP and ask for an earlier appointment because late December is too long to wait.

In regards to how your therapist reacted, that was really rude and unprofessional of her. Please consider finding another therapist or psychologist or psychiatrist to go to. There are many people who are in the wrong profession, but once you find someone who truly loves what they do, it'll all be worth it. Like I wrote to another poster, you are your best advocate. Be persistent in getting your health back on track.

woops double post

I know the feeling (or lack of feeling) you describe. You used to hurt. Now you don't. Your brain has shut off your feelings as a defence mechanism. You try to inflict harm on yourself in an effort to feel something. What you feel when you self-harm is the adrenaline released from your brain as a natural pain relief. It doesn't last long, then you need to self-harm again and it falls into a horrible cycle of self-abuse (speaking from experience here). It becomes addictive.
A better alternative which lasts longer and is healthier is pain-inducing exercise. I do the MAX workouts on YouTube. I feel like a dickhead while doing them but they do seem to help and the effects last for days. Whatever you do it needs to be something intense. Jogging or cardio won't cut it.
This is just something I've found that helps me. I'm sorry you're feeling like this. It's a horrible state to be in.

I was taking Wellbutrin and Adderall. The Adderall originally made me feel this zombie feeling, which at the time was a relief. The Wellbutrin was making my moods slightly better, I started it way before Adderall.

After being on the Adderall a while, it's like I got permanently stuck in this emotionless state. I haven't taken it for well over a month. I stopped taking Wellbutrin because it was for my depression and mood swings. Maybe I should still be taking it, there weren't any horrible side effects and it was helping, at least before the Adderall messed me up.

I haven't been taking either for a while.

My friend, I'm sorry you're feeling this way. You probably need to talk to a therapist-type person as soon as possible.

I could understand that you feel overwhelmed right now.

Please.....don't do anything that will hurt you further. I understand the urge--I've felt the urge. Please use us here at Wrongplanet.

And when you're not on the Site, just think and write those genius thoughts of yours.

What is your job like? The type of work?
and how do you interact with your co-workers?

I work at a woodworking shop. It is the most enjoyable of all the jobs I've had, mainly because it isn't so fast paced and doesn't require so much multitasking. It still has both of those things, just not nearly as much. And I'm allowed to listen to my music (mostly heavy metal, which for some reason is calming to me. I have to listen to it to fall asleep).

I only have one coworker I talk to frequently, mainly because we work in the same room, staining and lacquering the wood. We get along pretty well. He said next time we don't have to work Saturday I should come over to play video games with him. I think he is 24, I don't remember exactly.

I don't like the idea of seeing a therapist. They just tell me that my problem is negative thinking, and they don't even ask me what I think. Not once did any of my therapists ask me why I felt so depressed, they just wanted to tell me all kinds of "solutions", mostly about stopping negative thought processes before they happen.

If they would have asked me I could have told them that I don't relate to people, that everyone thinks I'm weird, that even the person I thought was my best friend ended up telling me I'm just annoying, selfish, lazy, just generally not a good person. I told my bishop at church about my friend. He said, "What she did wasn't right, but you need to forgive her and move on." It wasn't that I was angry at her and couldn't forgive her. It was that she honestly thought those things about me, and she was the only person I ever confided in. Everyone always thought she was a really awesome person, and if someone like that truly thought those things about me, then why did I need to be around? I could take it from my step dad, my step mom, others at school, because they never really knew me, so I didn't have to believe them. But she knew everything about me, and she still thought I had no value. She only liked being around me when I was "fun", and when I started getting really depressed and wanted someone to talk to, she wanted nothing to do with me anymore. She was the first and only person I considered to be close to me because she was the only one I ever felt comfortable talking to. And still she thought the same things as everyone else I'd ever talked to. If everyone who knows me thinks the same thing about me, not one person who knows me thinks otherwise, then is it really logical to think the problem lies in everyone else?

But nobody knows that, because they don't ask me what I think. They just want to tell me all this crap about thinking positive and trying harder that means nothing, and only serves to make them feel like they are a good person for "helping" me.

I cut my arm twice...

Not deep, or long. Just a little blood. I don't think I should have done that though, now I want to do more

Hey.

Since your therapist didn't ask you the questions you wanted, then maybe you should mention the issues that are really bothering you. Rather than wait for the questions to be asked, you could direct the session the way you want, and tackle the issues most important to you. Take initiative because the session is for you. Does that make sense? Make use of your time there...and if you can tell that the therapist really isn't helpful or doesn't understand you after several attempts, then switch to a new therapist.

About your friend: friends are there for each other through the good and bad times, and it's actually during those rough times when you actually see who's a good friend. I hope you find a good friend someday.

About the cutting: I really don't know how to respond because telling you not to do it will not stop you...so I hope you find someone to talk to or a healthier method to relieve your pain/burden.

Part of it was that I didn't really know what my problem was. I told them I felt fundamentally different from others. I tried explaining it, but they would just change the subject. It's like they didn't even believe me.

Then when I found out I probably have Asperger's and I told the therapist, she wanted me to just forget about it and basically said it doesn't matter even if I do have it. I tried to tell her about why I thought it wasn't just an unimportant detail about myself like she was implying, and she just kept interrupting to point out my "flawed" thought processes. I was on the verge of a meltdown at that point, so I just left and never called back.

But my point is that they don't listen to me. I don't know if they think I'm mistaken, or making it up, or what. I think I need to find a therapist who actually is knowledgeable about ASD in adults, but that is a lot easier said than done.