Not exactly looking for advice, but I feel like expressing my situation to someone, but there's not really anyone, so I guess these forums will have to do.
I have so many disorders that I just don't care anymore, aspergers, agoraphobia, social anxiety, major depression. I constantly feel lethargic, and whatever form of life I can experience comes from videogames, all the time, twenty-four hours, for as long as I'm awake I NEED to become this character, to pretend that I'm somewhat functional in that fiction. I know that the 'total escape' is wrong, but really, I'm so past the point of return, I'm just the distant shadow fo a person, there's no going back, this is it.
I used to feel euphoria when I'd beat the game, save the planet, be the hero, see things come to a close, but I don't even feel that anymore, although I do still get nostalgic because the games end up defining different chapters in my life, but sometimes when I'm finished I'd realize how the walls seem to be closing in on me -- when I'd beat one game and go on to the next, I'd realize how artificial the really world is, and it becomes smaller. One thing that i dread in videogames, is that it so often seems to be designed inside a crater, and the crater seems to be getting smaller with the more detail they're able to cram into it, this constrains the illusion that I need, and it's these sort of things that become so very evident to me as time goes on.
However, the detail can sometimes become very convincing because it represents something that is real, and sometimes I can so easily give in to that illusion,and I can imagine a better world, this is where my agoraphobia consumes me, because when I'm outside in this world, I feel nothing but chains and anxiety, it feels evil, it feels wrong, which then leads me into feeling immense sadness, but when the illusion touches me as mentioned... it's like for a very brief moment, there's life, but it's extraordinarily brief.
There's something much more charming in the illusion than the real thing, in some ways it feels more 'free' or 'alive' than reality, in other ways it constrains me, and I know for certain that with time, the later feeling is going to become more common, as I'm left with smaller and yet smaller avenues for escape, but for now I really need to try and enjoy the illusion.
I never had the energy to endure reality, In my younger years I used to try relentlessly to crawl out of this hole, but each time a powerful lethargy would set in, and I'd immediately crumble -- my mind can't make sustained efforts towards anything beyond these fictional lives, so I guess this is it.
