Watching the lives of others online

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I've spent the past few days looking up people I once knew.

A guy that I was once roomates with has gone on to travel the world with friends and have amazing experiences.

A guy I went to HS with who also has aspergers and was a loner like me is now dating a beautiful surfer girl.

An ex girlfriend of mine now has a family with a man way better than I am. I'm sure he's an aspie as well. He's quite interesting due to his special interst and makes her happy.

Another ex of mine is with a man that also travels the world.

I try to look up someone from my past that I know for sure would not be living a better, more fruitful life than I am. Lo and behold, they are.

It's kind of depressing. But even if I had the chance to do all of those things, I know that I would not.

On one hand, I want what they all have and experience.

On the other, I know that if I was placed in any of those situations, I'd only want to escape to where I am right now.

In reality, I just want want to be alone. I just want everything to be still. I want everything to go unchanged. I want to live every day as an exact replica of the day before. That is my reality. It can be a tough pill to swallow sometimes.

The only time I ever look up something about people I went to school with is when I receive news of their deaths.

One bully died in an explosion and fire at the gas station he was working at. A loaded crack pipe and a personal butane torch were found nearby. More crack was found in the trunk of his car.

Another died of inoperable brain cancer after he had taken illegal steroids to buff out for the high school football team.

Another was beaten to death by the older brother of someone he'd "accidentally" knocked down.

Another OD'ed on prescription pain pills about two years after a diving accident that had left him paralyzed from the waist down.

Another was killed by "Friendly Fire" during Operation Desert Storm. I find it interesting that he was shot from behind. Either he was shot by the troops he was leading, or he was shot by the enemy troops he was running away from.

Another was beaten to death in prison after being convicted of child molestation and trafficking in child pornography.

One woman who had publicly humiliated me for daring to ask her for a date died of cervical cancer (Her best friend and former roommate is a cervical cancer survivor, by the way ...).

Another such woman produced four children by three men, none of whom she was ever married to. She was stabbed to death in a brawl with another woman over a man they were both dating.

Another such woman OD'ed on a speedball (crystal meth + heroin) at a New Year's Eve party hosted by a popular rock & roll band.

Another such woman married well, but may have been "whacked" in a daytime hit-and-run incident as revenge against her husband by rival mobsters. No one got a good description of the vehicle involved or its license plate.

Another such woman married a neighbor of hers a few months before their first child was born. She delivered four more kids before succumbing to an unspecified infection.

^ All of these were people who helped make my childhood miserable, one way or another.

A few years ago, I got an email from the girl I took to my senior prom. I replied, she didn't. I later found out from Facebook that she works for the California DMV (Department of Motor Vehicles) and is completely obsessed with keeping up with the Joneses. She keeps in contact with all her old HS friends, and for a while was sending me emails bragging about her perfect life. I finally closed my Classmates account so I wouldn't have to dig up my awful HS experiences. So she has all this great stuff, and a government job, and...well that's about it. She apparently is unlucky in love, since she is still thinking about me 20 years later. And SHE was the one who dumped ME, because she got pregnant by another guy! (She gave up the baby.) I would rather just as well not hear from any of my classmates. The bullies, nobody seems to know what happened to most of them.

I've heard that in Vietnam, when a guy was "shot from behind" that meant he'd been offed by the grunts he was "leading" after the GI's got fed up with him. Most such people were "middle manager" officers.

That was supposedly what happened to Neidermeir from "Animal House". At the end of the movie it said he was killed in Viet Nam by his own men. However, the actor had a small part playing the controlling dad of a teenage boy in the Twisted Sister video "We're Not Gonna Take It Anymore". He yelled at the kid just like Neidermeir did to the pledges and instead of asking "Is that a pledge pin on your uniform?" he said "Twisted Sister pin". I think he was in Twilight Zone too and played a guy who was killed in Viet Nam by his own troops. Talk about being typecast and it sticking!

To the OP I'd like to say that not everybody ends up with what they deserve. Some people are douchebags and have everything handed to them and others never hurt a soul but nothing important to them ever goes their way. OTOH, some douchebags get the s**t kicked out of them by Karma and some nice people do get breaks. I've seen all those scenarios.

A friend of mine from school is going through something like that right now, and we talked about that very subject last night. Neither of us could understand how it happens, it's truly no more or no less than the luck of the draw. You can't find a reason why it happens like that because there isn't a reason, it's all random. We get what we get and the only thing anybody can do is try to play the sh***y hand we have, in a way that maybe we win one hand at least. Then we are able to walk away from the table with something in our pockets and not completely broke. I know that's not helpful, but that's really all I got on that subject, cause it's not now and never has been fair.

I do wish you luck and hope things get better.

I think I get what you're saying. I sometimes desire the kind of lives others are leading, but know I couldn't sustain it because of the amount of space I require. I'm struggling very hard with that reality, at the moment.