I don't have any motivation to do anything but one of the few things that I tend to fantasize about is growing up with an older sister who was nurturing.
I have several older brothers, all of whom with the exception of one tended to cut me off at the knees, they didn't nurture me to promote growth, but every time I failed at something I was shamed, I know males do this to build thick skin, but it definitely did something much worse to me, as I don't really feel anything for my siblings as a result.
Even as a kid, my biggest fantasy was to have an older sister who was unlike any of that, and as I came into my young adulthood, I still showed shades of that desire, it's never really left me although it's so diluted and buried at this point in my life that I'm really only holding on to shadows. Sometimes I think it would be wiser to kill myself now knowing that I still have some semblance of her in my mind, rather than totally forgetting, which looks to be the direction I'm heading.
But I think it must be nice to have someone I could show things to. When I had motivation I loved to draw a lot, but the problem is that I had no-one to show my drawings too, sure I can open up a deviantart account or something, but having it appreciated by strangers just isn't the same, and I wish I could show her my growth in all facets of my life and to have her know I was a good person and a rather unique one. it would have also been nice to buy her gifts which would have given me the motivation to find a job, but without her there's really no reason for me to pursue anything, I mean if I was the only person left on this planet, there would be no reason to pursue art or anything else, sure I might be able to motivate myself every now and then, but the factor of other people who mattered is what carries most of the ambition. If I have no one to show my pictures to then it really has no value and might as well not exist, and the same is true for everything else.
