My dad Christmas issue.

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I don't know what his deal is but it seems to be a "tradition" that every year my dad starts a fight right in the morning of Christmas eve day because "the house is not clean enough and not everything is prepared yet" calling us fail womans. Then, once me and mom protect ourselves saying that the house is clean enough, we are still preparing food and perfect house is not the most important thing during Christmas and he should care about his family happiness more dad shuts up till Christmas eve dinner. He ignores us totally then but is uneasy - he jumps TV canals while looking as me and mum finish cleaning, prepare the table and dress the Christmas tree. During that time he occasionally splutters, clearly displeased. And if we do something wrong he yells again.

During the dinner (that we always spend with just 3 of us - he refuses to go or invite any family) everything is fine and he becomes surprisingly nice. And after the dinner he shares the Christmas wafer and gives us best wishes (he doesn't give us any gifts though although we always give him gifts).
Also the next day he seems fine - he even insist on visiting or inviting all family members. But he gets angry when we want to stay home during Christmas Day and the day after without meting grandmas - we are obligated to visit/invite them.

I don't know whatever it is his AS, BPD or OCD but it makes Christmas real pain.
Thanks to his "tradition" I'm not sure if my AS affect my feelings towards Christmas in any way.
All I know is I hate Christmas. I see it bothersome, unnecessary and painful. Not only my routine is disturbed but I am also afraid of my dad yelling at me or mom if we do something wrong.
I could like making and getting gifts and meting with my family(unless it is longer than 2-3h). And I like the festive food in other houses, especially the one I can eat at my dads mother house - his sisters (they live close to grandma so they do parties together) make a lot of sour foods and I love the sour taste.
I don't like the food my mom makes though. She makes the food for my dads taste and he loves everything plain. And if she decides to experiment she makes unedible (to me) foods such as a salad of mayonnaise, sweet raisin, celery and garlic.

This year the "tradition" is going on again. Dad is yelling at me and mom since morning(although he speaks with people through phone normally and wishes them Merry Christmas). She was shut up for a while but right now he started again because my mom told him she won't clean windows because it is too cold outside and is afraid of catching a cold.

I sit in my room. After dressing up Christmas tree hearing dads displeased splutters behind my back I decided I won't care. My mom wants to please him - fine. But I won't do it. For Christmas dinner I am going to my moms mom house. The food is not as good there but I am not sure how my dads family would react if I suddenly show up. I know my moms family won't refuse me and I am even going to get gifts because they always prepare some to give me when I visit them after Christmas eve.

If it was just me I would sit in my room and ignore the Christmas totally but I am sure that if I stay home my mom will make me join the Christmas party with dad or else dad will yell his mouth out at me.
I don't want to see him. He is so double faced. He first insults me and mom and next wants to eat with us and give me best wishes, pretending nothing happened? No, thank you. I am too proud to accept it.

3 years ago we both suddenly left him home and went to spend the Christmas dinner at moms moms house. It was the best Christmas I ever had. Everyone was nice, noone was lying, I got a lot of gifts and I could play with my cousin when I was tired of sitting by table with everyone. I hope its going to be like this again this year.
And dad

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I got lured out from computer 30 mins ago, before finishing the message.
Dad "exploded". Although I said it to him 3h ago he just acknowledged that I am not spending Christmas eve at home and he got furious. He yelled that if I leave house today I shall take my stuff and never return.
The house is the only place I know and I have nowhere else to live so I can't spend Christmas Eve with grandma. This is a huge change of plan for today, I was already prepared to leave...
So I got a sudden meltdown. Christmas tree got hurt and I shut myself in my room for 30 mins, crying.

Now as I calmed down I realize it was probably just one of his BPD threats. He is afraid of me abandoning him for Christmas and preferring grandma over him so he blackmailed me to kick me of the house if I dare to leave him because he knows I am afraid of moving out and I have no job.
But its too late now. I can't go to grandma anymore. I am tired, cold and depressed after the meltdown and I don't want to met anyone - that includes my grandma and rest of family. I am also afraid he might be serious about kicking me of the house. He did treat me like this many times before but I can't be sure it it is really just a threat this time. I never know that.

I think I will stay in my room and not met him at all. I will not leave the house so he won't have base to kick me out because I won't met the treat requirement. But what do I do if he
threats me that he will kick me if I don't eat the dinner with him? I don't want to eat with him! He hurt me too much! I am totally pissed off at him! He should realize he is hurting me and say he is sorry instead of blackmailing me! And if he cares so much about clean house and good food he should clean and cook by himself! He is capable to and his food is tasty because he knows the recipes his sisters do.

I'm sorry you have to deal with this crap from your dad.

I hope you get a job, and get your own place soon, so you could spend Christmas with whomever you want.

I feel like punching your dad right in the nose right now!

It's fine. He is pitiful enough already. He apparently thinks we think lowly about him and got depressed about it. For a while he was at a state mom was worried he might do something to himself. I though he left the house because is become silent and a door closed so I started talking to my mom about his BPD and how it could be cured if he only went to a psychiatrist but it ended up he didn't actually leave the house and he heard everything. I am sorry for him now. He thinks all mental issues are shameful and me thinking of him as someone mentally sick hit him really badly.

He sits in his room now and won't say a word. There was no Christmas Eve Dinner either.

If only your dad would listen to people, he wouldn't have to be going through this mess.

Now I wonder if I didn't overreact.

Maybe I shouldn't say the "I have decided I am going to spend the dinner at grandma house because the atmosphere here doesn't feel like Christmas at all" when I was dressing the Christmas tree and dad was making disappointed sounds. I was pissed off by what he said earlier(about the house being not clean enough and food not being prepared) and the TV canals constantly changing behind my back were causing me sensory overload (they were not only changing but breaking too - there was a strong wind so the signal was not right). Perhaps he was making the disappointed sounds for the TV, not for me? But still... he should have help me instead of sitting at sofa and watching TV! Preparing the lights was always his job and I had to do it this time because he was lazying around.

Mom says I destroyed whole Christmas by saying him that I am going to grandma when he just calmed down after the morning fight. But for me he was not calm at all, he was spluttering at me (or the TV, whatever). The atmosphere was heavy and another fight was in the air. Perhaps I imagined it? I often get nonverbal cues wrong, especially my dads since his mood changes in a blink of eye and his expressions are off. For example recently I was sure he is yelling at me for not fixing his notebook correctly because he was yelling(voice raised, pupils huge, face expression like a devil, mouth wide open, saliva spiting - he was definitely yelling) that a website is not working right. So I explained that I can't do anything about that because the website is wrongly programmed and the issue is on the server end. Then he yelled at me(same tone and expression as before) that he didn't yell at me and he was "only saying" that the website doesn't work correctly. I have no idea what his deal is. He yells too much, at everything. He can't keep his voice and expression calm even when he is "just talking".

If your dad would calm down and think before he talks, I think he would get a better idea of things.

I wish you and your mom could gently talk to your dad, and tell him to calm down sometimes.

Christmas is supposed to be a joyous time. Your dad is too hyper, and he sulks a lot.

This sounds pretty AS to me, not PD. If I am having Christmas it has to be perfect, and everything has to be done according to family tradition. It caused a lot of fights over the years but I don't care about people..I can't enjoy Christmas unless a list of traditions get done so now I just stay away from family so that everything goes right or I don't bother at all.

Sounds like your dad is the same, and diagnosing him with a mental illness without telling him is pretty cruel. Tell him to get off his fat arse and help, sure, but mess with his Christmas traditions when you live under his roof? No.

I understand what you mean by "tradition."

But people have to evolve from a certain point. Her dad has many positive aspects to him, too--which she has inherited. The ability to fix what's broken is one aspect.

It's hard to teach an old dog new tricks--but I wish it would be attempted in this case.

So they could all have a decent Christmas. I'm shooting for a decent Christmas, too!

I also have AS and I am nothing like him. Where are my needs? I must accommodate to him and ignore all my needs but he won't accommodate at all.

My and mom are doing Christmas according to his tradition every year but no matter how hard we try he still insults us on the Christmas Eve morning. Its not like we do anything against his tradition - he is just looking for a reason to fight. This year everything was cleaned - in our opinion - but he yelled at us that windows are not clean (it's December, does he want us to get sick?) and the laundry/storage room in basement is messy (as if anybody care, only mom enters this room and only for the time required do the laundry). Oh, and the approach road not being sweeped - but how could we sweep it when it is so windy outside? Impossible. What we sweep is back there within a few seconds - we are having a windstorm. He is unreasonable!

If it was just AS I could deal with him. But he also has some other issues that cannot be explained by AS itself.
When I am uneasy I look for my way off and avoid other people. When he is uneasy he yells his mouth off insulting anybody he sees and if he can't see anyone he will go to a room where someone is.
And if he gets a phone call during his yell attack he picks the phone and... speaks calmly, cheerfully. Then after he finishes talking he get back to his yelling. I couldn't do it. If I am feeling unhappy I can't control my voice and attitude no mater who is talking to me. I can calm a bit but my voice will be shaking and I wont become cheerful.
Also if I have no proof of something I won't assume it is true. And I definitely won't come to conclusions what other people may hatch behind my back. I am unable to figure out a intrigue even when someone tells me the intrigue is real so I can't even think of imagining one. But he does. He thinks I want to spend Christmas with grandma because I hate him and prefer grandma over him (while I just don't want to eat with him since I am angry with him) and he thinks my mom doesn't care about him at all (yeah, right - if she didn't, she wouldn't work her ass of to please him - she had no time for herself during last week at all because she was cleaning) and she has a lover which she spends her time with when she goes out (she goes out for shopping, to work, to visit grandma).
He is paranoid.