I feel like I'm dying. This is the end.

Post Reply New Topic

I feel like there's endless darkness surrounding me every day. I feel like even if I try to change something, it wouldn't even matter and that I am forced to live this depressing life until I die.

Okay, let me tell you my story. I'm eighteen years old and I have no life. I was bullied in elementary school (well, a lot of people were, but it had huge impact on my self esteem) by a lot of people, at least twenty people teased me at some point. It was by no means severe bullying, it was usually just light teasing, telling me to get a life and stop being such a loser. I still had friends. Not a lot maybe, but the friends I had always made me feel better.

Now I feel like I have none left. Sure, I do have three friends still, but they live far away (my number one best friend lives in another country now) and hardly have time to visit me. I have no friends in my school. I sit alone in every class and no one bothers to talk to me.

I could go on and on, but frankly, I am very tired and I feel bad right now, so I'm not going to bore you with my life story.

About a year ago, I suddenly sank into deep, deep depression. Crying a lot suddenly, withdrawing myself from the outside world, feeling suicidal, etc. A few months later I started cutting myself but I soon stopped. I haven't done it in a while now, but I keep searching for sturdy places to place the noose I will use to end my life. I have even made plans and I once wrote a suicide note before, but I couldn't do it. The last time I had a plan was in early September, where I planned to hang myself on my birthday.

I've been feeling like everything is flat. That nothing is real, nothing matters. I kind of feel like life is a door that is painted on a wall. Something that looks real and could be real, but really is fake.

I often become very vulnerable at night, often crying myself to sleep. I feel like no one can help me. I went to a psychologist for about two years. Didn't help. I have tried seeking help and telling people I'm depressed and suicidal. They ignore me or tell me to get over myself. So I think this is the end for me.

I want to get some advice and hear about other depressed aspies and their stories. I just feel like I'm dying.

Well you have friends and that is better that some aspies. Some of us have endured bullying but also had no friends at all, and would go home and be alone every night. I remember in school thinking about how I hope that my parents don't find out what a loser I am at school. I would be scared when my parents would talk to the parents of the other kids and those parents would say something about how I get picked on all the time or something. As far as bullying, that goes away for the most part when you get out of high school. Just try to make it into college and try to join clubs or some activity.

Hey J-H-H:

What are your Special Interests?

It would be a total waste of a human life if you took away your own. Who knows what great things you could do!

Many people have been quite depressed as young people--yet turned out to be geniuses as adults.

I'm sorry you're feeling so sad and lonely.

At least you have us on WP to talk to.

I feel the exact same way you do, you're not alone. I've been very suicidal lately. I've been depressed before but it was never too bad. Now my depression is worse than it's ever been, and I just want to die. Every time I'm happy, something comes along and just crushes my spirit even more, and I get even more sad than I thought I possibly could. It's been a few years since the last time I cut myself, and I'm tempted to start again. Sometimes I get so tempted to just swallow a bottle of pills and end it.

You have such a pretty name, Amberlena.

Why so sad?

Going through this all the time, getting out of it and slam, it hits on me again. It sometimes seems that when I'm not depressed something bad happens, I have trouble eating alone, getting anything done, don't want to go somewhere or see people. At my birthday I felt ,haha this will be my last, but really I wouldn't do that, I think

Everything I valued/worked for has gone down the drain, that's life or getting old maybe,
and at my age what can be hoped for ? (dying quietly while sleeping I guess)
Or seeing my daughter getting a grip on her life (but that post got lost this morning) would surely help because its a strange all-enveloping guilt and pressure to do something about it, but what can I do now, where I surely have failed something ?

Hardly anybody has a real life at 18. What they think as living is many social things that soon evaporate like dew in the grass when the sun rises. Real life doesn't really begin until you reach adulthood and maturity and is then what you choose to do as a job or profession. So don't cut things off before they have a chance to begin.

I'm 27 now and I still don't have a life.

I won't have a life in the foreseeable future.

It sucks, but suicide takes effort.

I don't feel like putting in that much work. Plus, what's the point? This silly existence is temporary, might as well enjoy whatever I can while I'm still suffering with the rest of the unhappy masses. I'm incredibly lonely. I've tried reaching out but haven't found anything that can change how I feel, how I react to the world around me. I've kept some of my self-destructive tendencies with me, and they've started biting into me real bad now.

I'm convinced I won't find any lasting contentment. I'm assured that there's no one out there for me that can make me feel comfortable. However, none of that matters. I just need to find some ways to entertain myself. That's what life is all about.

Keep yourself occupied. Let the rest just flow and see what happens. Might work out for you. Why not see it through instead of taking that chance away?

You can make new friends. There are also places on the net for aspies meetups. look it up on search engines. I don't know where you live, so cant post a link.

You'd probably find it's easier to make friends with aspies, and they're loyal. They don't disappear as fast as neurotypicals.

Dont you have siblings? My middle niece is my best friend. we go places together and talk about everything. that's because I was there for her when she was growing up. There must be young children in your family, cousins, nephews, nieces. Be there for them, visit twice a week at least, play with them, babysit, strenghten your family ties. They won't forget you when they grow up.

You see, love is out there, and you just have to reach out and grab it. Adopt a feral cat or a dog from anti cruelty society. it will save both your lives.

And if you ever think about suicide, always call suicide hotline before you do something that cant be undone. You'll make your family wish they were dead too if you go along with your plan, inflict permanent damage, and you dont want that.

Take self defense classes, judo, thai kickboxing. it helped my self esteem so much and gave me confidence, made me feel much better.

There are definitely ways to make yourself feel better. and find a hobby like cooking or whatever you like.

Life is incredibly bleak and cruel. I get that. I'm twenty, I've had similar experiences and then some. I'm not going to go in depth on my childhood, but it was bad, really bad. Honestly I should be dead. The only reason I'm still alive is because one girl showed me true kindness when I was young. At first she was interested in dating but then she realized what I was and tried to defend me against my captors. I despise myself for rejecting it. I was living in a state of hollowness at the time. A few years later at the age of 17 I found music. Pink Floyd reignited my inner desire to live. Then I began thinking back and remembered her. I knew I could never reach her now, she had long ago moved on. But I realized that there are a few good people out there. So I took the gift of hope she gave me and made a pact to never kill myself. I hope to be a man of my word. And then I began tearing down the Wall I had lived behind for so long. Now I'm here at age twenty, still getting continually bombarded by hopelessness. The prospect of suicide has become tantalizing, I've thought of all sorts of ways I could do it, but I must refuse it. I'm slowly climbing out of the hole in the ground where I hide. I have two real friends now, something I never had before. I dunno if it can get much better though, I'm only 20. My future still seems really uncertain. Unfortunately going to college won't solve all your problems, just introduces you to a larger population, which makes it even more painful when you get rejected. The idea of dating terrifies me. I almost feel like I should never find anyone and just remain alone, since I lost her and wont ever get her back. I'm a very monogamous individual. I'm also super selective, which doesn't help. Even those I am interested in I fail to go after. I've already watched more than one person show interest and then move on because of my inability to react. Can I get a job after college or will I fade out. Is it even worth getting a college degree and going after a career? Should I try to live a more spiritual existence. I've been suffering from insomnia lately and my emotions, which are still kind of new to me can be unstable at times. I admit that I do cry myself to sleep half of the time, the other half it's usually in a fit of rage. I've also recently attended a psychologist as well and have given up on that as a mode of growth.
All I can tell you is get angry and fight for your life.
A favorite fictional character of mine, Eren Jeager, said that If you win you live. You lose you die. If you don't fight you can't win.
Never give up. Find strength even when by all rights you shouldn't have any. Keep the fire alive.

Feyokein's post also reminds me of one girl who was nice to me during one of the worst days of my life. I'll always remember her for that.

I've been there, OP--the bullying, friends drifting away, and being surrounded by fake people and darkness. Everything. This isn't my world. I had no part in making it and I don't see that changing in the future. But what keeps me going is the hobbies I enjoy and my wish to hold myself together for the few people who are close to me. If you can find something to sustain you as well, you have a starting point where things can start to get better. I'm seeing a therapist now who is actually very nice and doesn't push antidepressants on me, he just listens. It's a highlight of my week.

If I just ended it all and wasn't around next week, I know it would haunt him. He cares.

I was in your situation. I was 18 years old, just released from a mental hospital for attempting suicide with next to no social life and surrounded by no one who believed in me. I learned very early on in adulthood that myself alone would be the only person responsible for my happiness. So, instead of seeking happiness through others and self-medicating with razors I went out in the world and got a job. I got promoted, several times. I kept myself distracted through hard work and was able to make new friends through my job. Self esteem improved gradually overtime with experience.

Don't get me wrong. I've made a lot of mistakes, some really embarrassing to the point of being too ashamed to discuss them publicly, but so has everyone really. I'm 25 now and I've overcome most of the depression symptoms. I still have social anxiety and I'm always going to have asperger's, but I've learned how to manage it as best I can to get the best quality of life possible, and I did it through myself.

I realize fixing depression is easier said than done, just saying it's possible.