I need somebody to talk to. I am losing it.

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Allow me to introduce myself: I am Paul. I am a 20-year-old male from America, particularly Alabama. I am in dire need of advice, so please hear me out.

Some have said (on more than one occasion, mind you) that I could possibly be on the Autism spectrum, but I am not exactly sure whether I am or not. I do exhibit many of the traits: the inability to maintain eye contact, difficulty to empathize with others, getting overwhelmed easily, and extreme obsessive compulsive-like tendencies to name a few. However, I am not sure how I could get help for this. I'd like to get an official diagnosis, but according to my mother, it will cost a substantial amount of money, money that we do not have at the moment.

I have never been able to relate to others. I have never been able to express myself, especially through writing. I feel as though I am a robot- an emotionless being who just exists.

Throughout my life, I have always been shunned by people. I have been regarded as a nobody. An outcast. A f**k-up. That weird guy. The soon-to-be Eric Harris. You name it, I've been called it. It doesn't bother me, really, because I couldn't care less as to what the majority of individuals think about me. I prefer solitude to human interaction- as peculiar as it sounds, I find solace in being alone. I don't need anybody else but myself.

Now, with that mumbo-jumbo out of the way, I would like to get to the problem I have been facing my entire life. I love books, yet I can't get myself to read them. I have an affinity for writing and language arts, but it's so difficult for me to adequately convey my thoughts to writing, it's beyond what a language can construct. I usually get frustrated because my state of mind is always so clouded and disoriented, ultimately causing me to give up and not look back. I guess it's my obsessive-compulsive tendencies that make me detest writing (I hate repeating the same words. I try my absolute best to use synonyms). Every time I write, I compulsively erase and rewrite my paragraphs, convincing myself that they, the paragraphs, are unorganized and have no flow to them whatsoever.

Anybody else have this problem? It's an irrational fear, I know. I'm aware that I shouldn't have it, but sadly, I do. I genuinely fear having imperfect grammar. Sometimes, I have meltdowns. I cannot stand making mistakes. It bothers me so much, I cry every night, wishing I hadn't been born in the first place. There are also times where I contemplate killing myself so I won't live like this anymore. And honestly, the older I get, the more it escalates. My thoughts have consumed me, making me unable to live normally, if I've ever lived a normal life in the first place.

All I want to do is be capable of eloquently and creatively writing (thinking abstractly is hard for me as I lack an imagination). It seems like that, unfortunately, is a near-impossible goal to achieve. It's killing me just to write this.

I try to avoid writing as much as possible. The fear of not having adequate anything is always in the back of my mind. It's caused me to stay up for many nights- and in all honesty- I cannot live like this anymore. Otherwise, I will end up six feet under. I want this to come to an end, and I am willing to do whatever it takes. Please help me.

I'm sorry, I'm not very good at expressing myself through writing. Also, I apologize if this sounds silly, I'm just losing my mind.

hi, hope you are ok? what you wrote about is very familiar to me; I am an aspie & also have Hyperlexia; I could read the daily newspaper, every page, at age 2. I constantly re-edit everything I write & because my motor skills are impaired my handwriting is unreadable & typing is very tedious. I read extremely fast & when I was 18 I received testing & was told that my comprehension scored higher than 99% of college graduates. unfortunately, I would drive myself nuts if I had to write every day.. I agonize over the rhythm of every word & it must flow perfectly no matter how long it takes! hope things get better for you soon... & by the way, I think you are smarter than you know..trust your instincts..(maybe an aspie?)

Nah, you're as eloquent as an elephant enjoying an exciting experience in Europe. Your writing skills are impressive, so you gotta own up to that. I don't believe that you have zero imagination, surely there must be something in there that you drift off into. You need to seek that out by reflecting and thinking. Thinking in itself is imagination, really. You're imagining concepts in your head.

I totally get your problems. I have a thing for improper grammar, although I don't get as upset as you seem to. However, I understand how things like that could affect you, so don't be ashamed about it. You can always try being self-reflective about the actions you do and determine whether it's necessary. Seems like a small step, but it might help. Your formal and downright professorial writing style reminds me of how I used to swing sentences around and around into so many paragraphs when I was around your age. I don't know if I have any of that left in me, I don't write very often these days.

Listen, if you've got concerns about creativity, why not try some poetry? It's a simple way to construct a few core thoughts into something artistic. Don't bother with anything rigid and rhyme based, it can be as loose as you want it to be. I've got some serious obsessive compulsive tendencies as well, along with the inability to focus on content I used to enjoy in the past. It's a massive undertaking just to try and read a news article, and I used to chew those up like bubblegum.

I understand the whole brain fog situation too, I have a bad case of it myself. I don't know what to say with regards to that, it's tough dealing with. One last thing, it's important to try and keep yourself a little opened up. You let those demons poke at you for too long, and it'll be a greater struggle to express those emotions in the future.

You're not a robot, so chin up, and keep going.

welcome to being an aspie ......dont give up . we other aspies understand your troubles.

Hyperlexia may as well be the least of my troubles, although I too have had it as long as I can remember. I suggest you study some code as well, even if it's just markup like html5. One of the best experiences in my life is dreaming in code - there are languages that adhere to the level of complexity you describe, they merely require hardware support.

_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos

I think I have something similar--I have visions in my head and can't put them into words. The two problems that result from this are:
1. I feel like I can never record, express, or make anything of a lot of the ideas that mean the most to me. They just flow in, entertain me for a short time, and are gone.
2. I never feel as though friends can see the real "me". Especially in the romantic "department", I feel that I will never make a romantic connection that is truly satisfying unless someone else can see the beauty that I see in my head. Just trying to write an online dating profile makes me angry for this reason.

I think that for me, much of the problem is that I don't think in words, I think in images. And even not just images, it's sort of like multidimensional networks of images, where things in one image are metaphors for or references to things going on in other images, etc. I've become interested in learning how to code computer graphics so I can possibly use them to express some of these ideas. The comment about "there are such languages, they just need hardware support" made me smile for this reason.

One big thing you mention that I wouldn't worry about is that you can't do journalism or some other job that requires writing because of this "block". In any writing you do as part of your job, you won't be expected to create a perfect masterpiece that encapsulates every truth of the universe. In fact, this kind of perfectionism is a liability in the working world, because people have short deadlines and they don't want to have to sit there while you contemplate the various shades of meaning of the word "happiness" or "experience" when they need a manuscript to pass on to someone else. Writing must express ideas clearly, but doesn't need to be profound.

Now, if you ever do succeed in creating great writing, or gorgeous poetry, there is no reason you shouldn't publish it and try to sell it if that's what you want. But planning on that being your main career sets you up for not only having major writer's block, but feeling like you're tearing your heart out every time you need to make a compromise for the sake of time, money, or efficiency.