Is the hospital trying to tempt me again?

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Late last week, I purchased drain cleaner (with caustic soda a.k.a. sodium hydroxide, a base), and a glass dropper. Multiple times I attempted to blind my right eye by using the glass dropper to put drain cleaner in my eye. I was excited to do this, and did not find these desires to be intrusive; I really wanted to see my right iris and pupil fade in the mirror and to see evidence of my right-side vision failing. Well, after several tries with the glass dropper, each of which was exceedingly painful at first, but became much less so after about a minute, my right iris and pupil remained intact, my right pupil would still dilate and contract as normal in response to changes in light, and I saw no evidence of right-side vision loss, so those tries were a failure. Nevertheless, there was some red in my sclera and my right cheek and eyelids were red and swollen, with some strange discharge material around the eyelids.

This confused me, as with the alkaline damage, I expected loss of vision. I decided that perhaps I was not using enough force in putting the drain cleaner in my eye. I first considered dropping the drain cleaner from the glass dropper at a much higher height to one, make its arrival less predictable and so more likely to make it to the eye, and two, make produce greater force on the eye. But then I remembered a relevant Japanese proverb, 二階から目薬(nikai kara megusuri, lit. "eye drops from the second floor"), and thought that aiming would be a problem, so I elected to purchase a plastic high-pressure spray bottle instead to accomplish my goal.

I put a fair amount of drain cleaner in the spray bottle and decided that for this, so I could quickly get any amount of drain cleaner off the skin, to do it in the shower with the water on. I tried this at least five times, and one time I got some drain cleaner in my mouth in the irrigation, which I would work to irrigate out of my mouth as quickly as possible. I specifically aimed the bottle to where I was staring straight at the hole in the nozzle, though in retrospect I realized this would make it more likely that only the lower part of the eye and the lower eyelid would actually get the contact; at times, however, multiple parts of the eye, including the upper eyelid, were hit.

Well, I became concerned that I might have swallowed some drain cleaner, which could be fatal after a month, so I called an ambulance to take me to the hospital; this was on Friday. I was also tired of the constant bouts of intense pain that would constantly fade out. I brought both the jug of drain cleaner and the spray bottle containing it to show the medical staff what chemicals I had used. The doctor checked my mouth and my eyes and was happy to say that my eye did not seem to have undergone any structural damage, and there was only some redness on the lower part of the sclera; the eyelids looked worse. Nevertheless, the pH of my right eye was very high (of course, since the main chemical of drain cleaner is a base), so he ordered 2 rounds of irrigation with a litre of water each time until my pH was back to normal.

They then sent me to a mental hospital where I was diagnosed with Personality Disorder NOS (R/O Schizotypal Personality Disorder, R/O Borderline Personality Disorder) with recommendations to continue the use of eye drops and topical ointment for at least 7 days. I was released just today, on Wednesday, Christmas Eve, and had to take a transportation van to get home as my parents were out of town.

When I arrived home, I saw a spray bottle waiting for me on my front porch; also, apparently, FedEx had managed to get inside my townhouse and drop off a package--did the property manager let them in? (Did she then see my horribly messy apartment? I don't know. She left no notice or anything.)

Upon examining the spray bottle, I opened it and sniffed it, discovering the smell of drain cleaner, and realized that this was the exact same spray bottle I had used to try to blind myself. Whelp, after all that last week, my right iris and pupil are just fine (with the pupil dilating just right in response to changes in light) and so is my vision, and I was NOT particularly wanting to repeat the rounds of painful spraying--though I wondered if lying on my back and spraying the drain cleaner from above in the shower then immediately closing that eye and moving my head and eye around to try to get the drain cleaner on every part of the surface of the eye for once.

Anyway, why on God's green earth did the hospital or ambulance drop the frigging spray bottle with the drain cleaner in it at my front door after all this, when I had brought it with me and showed them it, telling them I used the spray bottle to get the drain cleaner to make contact with my eye?

Why?

Because I wanted to.

But why would you want to?

Good question. Even I don't understand why. The lack of understanding annoyed my attending physician at the mental hospital, definitely.

It was probably some kind of "call of the void" type thing that you embraced. As for the bottle, they probably thought that since it belonged to you that you'd want it back. I don't think they can keep things of peoples or just throw them away, even if they believe you are mentally ill.

They didn't give back the labelled jug of drain cleaner, but gave back the high-pressure spray bottle containing drain cleaner (probably more dangerous than the jug). Maybe they didn't know it contained drain cleaner? Simply opening it and sniffing it would have made it obvious that it did.

But that "call of the void" type thing is interesting. I'll have to contemplate that.

Well, I fell for the temptation regarding my right eye on Thursday. I made sure to put the tip of the high-pressure spray bottle inside the eyelids themselves until it was resting there, where the eyelids could not close, and then I sprayed--felt nothing on my skin or even the eyelids themselves--I only felt it in my eye.

Interestingly, after the initial great pain, I've had no problems except for slight pain and foreign body sensation. The iris and the pupil work just fine, are not cloudy at all, and except for my myopia my vision is normal.

Yesterday (Saturday), I watched a very heart-pulling episode of Chibi Maruko Chan, where she and her sister adopt a kitten and they have fun with it, but it does not drink its milk and fails to thrive, in the end dying. Tears really flowed. Redness that was at the bottom of my sclera in my right eye was gone after that crying event.

Anyway, I have no intention of returning to the hospital and do not see why I should at this point. I will do nothing more to my eye.

I agree with superpentil the hospital was just trying to give your back what's yours. they didnt know what's inside because they havent checked.

Self harm is common in autism. dont do it again. you might lose sight permanently and miss it, never to get back. we have a low frustration level and lash out at ourselves on occasions. we cant control our emotions.

I got drain cleaner into my right eye on Tuesday. Still not noticing any effects.

Man, my eye is resilient.

Still been using drain cleaner in my eye. Sometimes I'll use an ear cotton swap to do it instead and press it hard against the eye.

Still nothing beyond simple conjunctivitis that goes away after a day.

LOL.

Well, I sometimes get blurry vision, but I find closing the eye and letting a tear out fixes it, so I don't really count it.

Last night I applied drain cleaner to my eye multiple times, and woke up with the eyelids sealed shut, but they eventually opened. Except for some deep pain and redness on the white part of the eye by the nose and at the bottom of the eye, no symptoms. My cornea remains as clear as ever, even after today when I would dab drain cleaner on my index finger and would poke my eye rubbing up and down, making sure to get plenty of contact with the cornea. Yet, my cornea remains undamaged as far as I can tell.

I really don't know what I'm supposed to say to this. I don't feel it's even a good idea to go out my way to shame you for it because I fear you might like the pity and attention and you'll keep doing it, so do as you must.. I'm sure you're perfectly aware how bad of an idea this is.

I used to be a cutter in my teens and I'm almost 25. I haven't felt the need to do it in over 8 years but I have to wear long sleeves even if it's 110 degrees outside. I'm well beyond that attention seeking nonsense in my life but I have to deal with the effects of it every day. Keep that in mind 8 years from now when you thought it would be cool and funny to try to make yourself go blind.

That kind of cynical attention seeking behavior is going to really, really hurt you in ways you're not mature enough to realize now. I hope you at least spend some time thinking about that.

It's not for the purposes of attention. I've only told my mental health professionals about this and people online pseudonymously. I've told no one else that I'm still doing this, and no one else seems any the wiser (due to the fact my eye keeps recovering). That my eye survives despite these attempts is what baffles me. I find it disappointing that my eye keeps recovering. My eye keeps looking largely normal, except perhaps for some redness in the sclera which could be explained away by other causes (e.g., pink eye or rubbing my eyes without washing my hands).

If my eye starts to look abnormal, then I may not see my parents or even my mental health professionals, to prevent them from witnessing it (the former because I don't want to concern them and the latter because I don't want to be institutionalized).

My psychologist thinks there is a schizophrenia-like process involved, which would make sense as my functioning as declined quite a bit over the past few months. He's ruled out attention-seeking.

Think about it like this: Even if this thread went totally ignored, or got locked or whatever, I would still keep doing it. So there isn't really anything you can do to stop me. Denying me attention isn't going to work. I am dead set on this.

Locked on OP's request.