I was diagnosed with a psychosis years ago while I was staying in a rehabilitation clinic for my severe anxiety disorder (where I was also diagnosed with autism some months later, if I remember the timing correctly). They gave me medication for it and the symptoms mostly went away over time.
But it was always an awkward subject with my family and I hated talking about it. It was never brought up again and I don't even know if they remember. It's always been in the back of my mind and occasionally it'll remind me of its existence, but for the most part it hasn't bothered me for a long time.
Lately I've just been thinking about it and I've been having a horrible paranoid feeling. I can look back over the last few months or maybe longer and I realise I can't tell if some of the things that have been happening were even real. And I can't ask anypony or they'll ask me why I'm asking and then I'll have to explain everything. And now I'm questioning everything I see or hear and I'm just having a really hard time distinguishing reality. I constantly have a horrible feeling of dread and paranoia.
I don't want to be specific about the possibly-not-real things that have been bothering me, but they've been driving me mad and making me behave negatively. Everything's so loud in my head and it makes me so angry and I just want everypony and everything to f*****g shut up. I've been shouting at nothing and hitting things out of frustration and annoyance which often cuts my hands open and makes a mess. And then sometimes I'm alone and nothing's happening and everything's quiet, but I can't really tell if it's quiet or not. The silence is loud, which makes no sense but I don't know how else to say it. It's like I can't hear if it's really silence or just my stupid head blocking out noise with silent-noise.
I really want to see a doctor again but I don't want to ask for one. I'm mute and have severe anxiety so I can't arrange to see one myself. I'd need to ask my father to do it, which would mean I'd have to tell him what the problem is and I don't want to do that. I'm sure he'd understand but I don't want to have to explain everything, I don't like talking about it to him or anypony close to me. They'll ask questions I don't want to answer and make me feel uncomfortable and they'll keep asking once they know something's wrong because they'll want to help me and not leave me feeling bad, and then I'll regret telling them anything.
I haven't posted anything here in years because I could never manage to fit in or learn how to socialise with so many people I don't know. I don't expect I'll post much more either. I think I just wanted to write this here because I don't have anypony I can talk to about this stuff. I have friends who will listen but they wouldn't understand it. And I feel very alone in this, I don't have anypony with autism/aspergers or a psychosis to talk to.
11 Feb 2015, 9:35 pm
