I must attack myself, internalize my anger;...

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...otherwise, I run the risk of externalizing my anger. I have found that when I externalize my anger, my head becomes flooded with fantasies of murder. This confirms for me that externalizing my anger is dangerous for both myself and others. I don't wish to spend the rest of my life in prison, so I will protect others and myself from such a fate by internalizing my anger.

How about "externalizing," after "internalizing," your anger through your art?

I meant "art" in the general sense. Writing is an Art, by this definition.

I can't draw to save my life--but I could write pretty well at times.

well, that's definitely more female-like

Are you actually angry or are you just acting angry because you know that is what other people do in a similar situation and want to try it out? Or do you have mixed feelings about the triggering event like you know you think something about it but you can't tell what you think about it but know you should respond or react some way to vent something?

I ask because I often find myself doing this things where I am overwhelmed by things I need to do or am doing and some sensory and emotional stuff and am on the verge of crying, but can't. Then I'd start wondering why I felt like crying or was crying and because I didn't know what was actually causing it (executive strain and sensory crap) my mind would automatically go back to all the bad things that had happened to me, one thing in particular. I think it was my mind's way of trying to explain/give a reason for the crying and weariness I felt so much. Then I'd really start crying. Now that I am aware of this weird coping thing, I can think, "No, it's not because of x event that happened x number of years ago, but because of exhaustion and overwhelm and this or that other current trigger."