Realized why I can't stand myself

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So I've had a few arguments lately with people over stupid, trivial stuff that most people get over. Well the last one, I was in the wrong. I was forgiven, but I'm still angry with myself for being such a defensive ass about it.

Basically, I felt hurt and embarrassed because a friend (rightly) told me off for not telling them I was planning something without asking them first (long story). But because I felt embarrassed, I became dumb and defensive (even though she wasn't being hurtful or aggressive). I took it personally, lied to her to save face and projected onto her, as if she was the one being unreasonable. If I just swallowed my pride and just apologized, I wouldn't have hurt her feelings and it wouldn't have escalated into a fight.

My feelings are not anybody's responsibility but my own and I tried to pin everything on her. I also felt hurt because I assumed that she was trying to treat me Ike a child when she was only trying to bring up a very legitimate grievance. I also felt embarrassed because she did this in front of our friends, but instead of telling her that I found it embarrassing, I made an even bigger show of myself. Somehow my dumb brain finds it easier to look like an ass than to seem defeated.

I do this a lot. I start trouble, somebody stands up to me and as I begin to realize I'm a jerk I try to save face or just dig myself in a deeper hole than before. All because I'm scared to death of being seen as weak and vulnerable.

I'm so ashamed when I get upset over trivial things and I hate myself when I cry in front of other people. I get angry and caustic to people that don't deserve it because I can't deal with the fact that I'm scared that if people saw how I really am, they'll judge me.

I'm also ashamed that I care so much about what other people think and I hate myself for dwelling on this.

I can so relate to everything you've said here. You have a very good handle on your behaviour, whether or not you know it. Most people couldn't be bothered to even attempt to be that self aware.

You really think so? It's taken me years to arrive to this realization, but I suppose the reason I attempt to understand it is because I hate who I am and I want to know how to stop being this person.

I have to say, I'm glad this rambling mess made sense to somebody. Thank you.

Honest to goodness. To be truthful, I think autistics tend to be some of the most self-reflective people I have ever known. Even when we are hiding our self-awareness behind 'tough' facades or 'indifferent' facades, I think we tend to be acutely aware of ourselves and that's a big reason why we tend to be 'socially awkward' and have social difficulties. I don't think most people are all that self-reflective, they just sort of get on with life in a way that bolsters their self esteem and gives them self confidence.

I have been working on this kind of self-reflection as well and it's painful. I often wonder how much of 'what I hate about myself' is due to being autistic and how much of it I can change. For me, it's sort of like I have built up a wall to protect myself, and that wall is because of the difficulties I have had in life being an undiagnosed autistic. The wall is off-putting to people, but tearing it down means being vulnerable.

I have an 'attitude' where I expect everyone has bad intentions and I am cautious about everybody, so I come off as an arse who doesn't care, which doesn't make anyone want to be my friend, which makes me put up a wall, and so the cycle continues. Breaking years long cycles are hard. That we are paying attention to those cycles and trying to alter them is totally healthy business.