I am starting to hate adulthood and I don't know what to do

Post Reply New Topic

IF YOU DON'T WANT TO READ THIS WHOLE THING JUST READ THE FINAL PARAGRAPH

Ever since I was a child I always thought that I wouldn't adjust well to adulthood. I could not for the life of me comprehend how so many adults can deal with the pressures of adulthood, such as going to a job everyday and being responsible for caring for a family. Even as a 21 year old adult I am still not sure how so many people are able to put up with these pressures.

I really miss childhood and being a teenager (from around age 13-17). Everything was so much simpler. It was so much easier to talk to people my own age. I could basically talk about whatever was on my mind and not have to worry about social norms, or how I appeared to other people (especially before I was a teenager). There was no such a thing as trying to act professional and I could basically just do whatever I wanted. The only responsibility I had was attending school and school was extremely easy.

As soon as other people my own age started getting jobs and having relationships with others I knew something wasn't right. I thought that there was no way I could do these things and I wasn't even sure if I wanted to. I decided to go to university from age 17-21 in an attempt to delay adulthood, but as soon as I finished last year, as I predicted way back when I was a kid, I have not been able to cope in adulthood.

Getting a job seems like an impossible task. I don't appear to have any skills that would allow me to get a job that would allow me to support myself. I don't understand what the point of minimum wage jobs are in our society if minimum wage does not pay people enough money to support oneself. I wish I could not worry about things like this like when I was a kid, but the truth is it seems impossible for me not to as soon as these problems began to directly effect me. You basically need to make double minimum wage in order be independent with the way things are now and it doesn't even seem worth it. There is so much stress associated with basically any job that pays enough money to support oneself that I don't understand how people even enjoy life. I would just like to continue living a simple life, enjoying the simple things in life, without having to worry about all these adult problems. I have the ability to be happy just by going outside and sitting in the sun on a nice day, eating my favourite snack, or watching television. However, if I choose not compete in society with the way things are, I will have no choice other than to become homeless, because money is so important in our society. Even when I try to apply for jobs I never hear back. There is so many people applying that when you apply online you have to stand out from the other hundreds of applicants in order to receive an interview. You can also try to get a job through people you know, which is impossible for me since I am completely socially isolated. Money seems to be the number one motivation for most people. People will do absolutely ridiculous things for money. I miss childhood when the concept of money was not understood and the number one motivation was having fun.

Other interests that people my age have do not seem to be priorities in my life. I am still stuck in childhood where I believe in the value of having fun, not spending 1/3 of my life working for someone else and coming home being too tired to enjoy life. People in their 20s go to work, start relationships, and do things such as go to the gym. If they want to have fun they believe in socializing with others, often involving partying and drinking. I still want to do the same things I did as a kid. I'm sure I could even still play with some of the same toys I had as a kid and still have a good time. Unfortunately, society does not allow people like me to behave the way that they truly want. Once your a certain age you are expected to become a valuable member of society and forget these childish tendencies.

The idea of getting a relationship is completely ridiculous for me right now. I don't know anyone other than family members. There is literally no way I could start a relationship right now. I don't know if I'd even want to. There seems to be so much responsibility with having a relationship. Eventually you are expected to pay money to buy a ring to get married. Weddings cost money. Everything seems so materialistic. Why can't people just love one other without having to use money as an expression of love? Everyone seems so materialistic even when it comes to getting a job. There is an expectation that for a professional job you must wear certain clothes (such as a suit or a tie). I have never been able to figure out who decided that this was a good idea and why it matters what kind of clothing someone is wearing as long as they are wearing something. Obviously very few people support my opinions or even come close to understanding them, which might be one of the reasons I am so isolated socially. Maybe a few other Aspies here have similar opinions.

Overall I'm not sure what I'm suppose to do. If I share these feelings with people I'd often be told to stop being a b***h and complaining about everything is not going to get me anywhere. The truth is I'm not sure where I even want to be. I don't seem to have the same goals and normal people and I often feel like I am from another planet. My choices are basically to attempt to achieve accepted societal goals (which I highly doubt I can achieve) and do something I'm not sure I even agree with or live with my parents my whole life and continue doing things that make me happy. It's not fair to my parents for them to support me my whole life so I'd eventually become homeless and essentially fail life. At the same time I've already been trying to achieve societal goals and I don't seem to be anywhere close to becoming an adult, and even if I was completely motivated, I don't know how happy I would be living a "normal" lifestyle. I wish one million dollars would just randomly appear in my bank account right now so I could buy my own place and rarely ever have to leave. At least then I wouldn't have to try to be somewhat normal.

Another way is to find something that you love thinking about and doing and try to get a job or career in that area, so you can play to have fun and work to support yourself. The relationship thing is completely optional, but it would be good to not be dependent on one's parents and also have the ability to take care of one's parents when they are old.

What would be stopping you from coming home from work and doing things you did when you were a kid? Can people see what you do in your own house?

Who says you have to have a relationship? Now all adults have one and some choose to remain single. You also don't have to have kids either. These two are totally optional.

As to the question of how people can have a job and still enjoy life, I think it really comes down to the more social nature and more varied interests of most people compared to us on the spectrum. There are a few career paths that reward single-mindedly studying and learning a specific subject and using that all day--university professors, computer programmers, and some types of careers in the arts come to mind as the biggest examples, and there are many less extreme ones, like engineers, architects, etc. However, most jobs draw heavily on what you could call "general life skills", as well as the ability to interact well with people.

The average person doesn't spend his or her childhood focusing intently on very specific things, and therefore spends a lot more time developing these general life skills. Many things that kids do with peers also develop these skills, as well as social skills. Some people also choose their college major not based on interest, but based on their job prospects when they graduate, although I know of many people without a hint of Aspergers who study things in college that don't seem to be wise from a career point of view.

Getting a first job is hard for anyone, and then getting into a long-term career is even harder. It doesn't help that even in careers where someone's specialized knowledge of a subject pays off, the lower-level job positions seem to proportionally require more general skills and often are far less interesting to someone with an Asperger mind. Also, if you have good social skills and empathy, it creates a sense of colleagues of being "in it together", which lessens the stress compared to each person being solitary. This is why workplace dramas/comedies can be so popular--for many people the interpersonal dynamic is much more relevant to the "feel" of the job than the skill set that is actually being used.

I understand what you are saying but unfortunately it doesn't always work out that easy. Many of my interests do not have jobs related to them and the ones that do are almost impossible to get, especially without being very social (e.g. being responsible for keeping track of sports statistics). I don't really seem to have any skills that give me an advantage to get jobs over other people since I'm not really good at anything that employees care about. I majored in psychology (one of my other interests) and did pretty well at school (but not good enough to go to grad school). I've applied for every position I could find online that was somewhat related to my major and I felt I was qualified for and never heard back once, likely because there is nothing about me that stands out.


I agree with what you are saying but it's not that easy for me. I still need to act like an adult for 8 hours a day, which I believe I'm capable of, but really dislike doing for a period of time that long. There are very few jobs online that I'm qualified for, somewhat interested in, and believe that I'm capable of doing. Out of those jobs getting contacted for an interview is very unlikely. Then once I get an interview I need to sell myself at an interview, which involves basically pretending that I am a normal person. It is a very tough thing to do. It is hard to get any job but it seems impossible to get a job that does not pay minimum wage, or only a few dollars more than minimum wage. If I take a job like that I would still be relying on my parents to support me since I would not be making enough money to support myself. Most of these jobs have little to no room for advancement either, so it's not like I could expect to be making a lot more money in a few years.

Very thoughtful response. It sort of explains why I might be feeling the way that I do. I'm still not sure what I am going to do though. I always thought being a computer programmer might be a good job for me but I am just realizing that despite having a university degree, I was not good enough at math and science in high school to be eligible for a computer program. I agree that it seems that most jobs require general life skills and I do not seem to be good in that area. As for jobs that require a single skill, I don't seem to be intelligent enough to get into advanced programs that would allow me to get jobs in those areas. Right now everything seems like a no win situation to me.

It seems what you need is a good psychologist for support, and possibly a vocational program of some kind. Support is important because your lack of success getting a job emphasizes the weaknesses you have relative to others, not the strengths. To get through the challenges of life you need confidence. A vocational program could possibly help you develop the skills you are missing so that employment is not so daunting.

I realize this doesn't help if a potential employer misinterprets (or is prejudiced against) your social awkwardness.
In one of the autism spectrum groups I have visited, there once was a woman who worked in human resources at some company who offered to interview anyone on the spectrum and not hold their awkwardness against them. She said she couldn't hire someone *because* he or she had Aspergers, because that would violate discrimination laws, but she would treat people on and off the spectrum the same if their qualifications were equal.