Feeling Stressed

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I feel so stressed out lately. It's partly about money. I find it strange that I'm now earning more than I ever have before and yet it seems like my disposable income is only a small portion of my net income. Like my living expenses are now higher than my net income used to be. I don't know, maybe I'm just bad at budgeting.

Maybe I spend too much on groceries and impulse buys. For the last few weeks I thought I could save money by buying things on special but then I realised I was buying things I didn't need in the first place because they were on special (also, I should never shop hungry, I always end up buying way more food than I needed). And I need to stop buying stuff, getting home than finding out I already had it. All this stress eating has caused me to regain about 10 KG. I'm drifting back up to my former weight.

It's just that I thought with a higher paying job I'd have more spending money, yet it doesn't seem to have ended up that way. Since my living expenses seem to exceed my former net income, I'm wondering how I was even able to survive at all when I had my old job, and yet back then I still had spending money some of the time as well.

One of the annoying things is that now I'm getting paid monthly and that makes it harder for me to budget. If I'm saving for something there's more time between pay-days for all the impulse buys to add up.

But the thing that's really stressing me is that I was uninsured for a few months and I crashed into someone and now I've got a $1,500 bill. I want to buy a new computer and it seems like every month I have to push it back. Last month I didn't buy it because of I'd just crashed and this month I won't be buying it because it took them a month to send me the bill. Then what happened to money I didn't spend last month? Impulse buys? I never used to do that when I had less money.

And it feels like I hardly have any free time. I mean for a while, I could work 5 days per week, get home and just relax but now most of my time in the evenings is taken up by studying. I don't know, maybe I'm just not a quick study. They put me in this self paced class and in theory I could get it all done in class time but since I'm working on my own, it's easier to do it at home and then I spend ages doing it.

I'm starting to dread when friends or family ask me for help with something. I used to be happy to help them but now I either do it while thinking I should be studying or refuse. I get distracted to easily and the funny thing is, the more energetic I feel the less work I get done. If I have too much energy I think about too many things at once. I can concentrate a lot better when i have a bit less energy. When I feel too energetic I try to hard and get nothing done and then it's late on a Saturday afternoon.

I'm wondering if I should even be studying programming in the first place. I mean, I've already got a nice job as a software tester and ironically, several of my colleagues with the exact same position as me already have degrees in software engineering and where did it get them? Into the same job as I'm in. Technically, I don't need any further qualifications to do the same job I've already got.

It's a bit stressful and sometimes I feel like I'm behind or not smart enough to understand it but that only makes me wonder why I'd want to do an even more technical and complex job. Not to mention more stressful. Regardless of whether or not I'm capable of being a programmer, they're more likely to do frequent overtime and they're also more likely to do unpaid overtime. It makes me wonder if I should just stay in my current position instead of trying to get onto the company dev team.

I suppose I shouldn't complain about having no free time because I never seem to use it properly anyway. Last year I was unemployed for a few months. Did I use that time to play the hundreds of video games I own? No. For some reason I just read a bunch of dumb websites because I didn't have the patience to get through a 40 hour game. I kept on trying to reduce my tab-bloat but that's an unwinnable fight.

Maybe I won't even apply for the dev team but then why am I studying programming? Why stress myself further? Because it seemed like I was the only guy without a degree. Everyone but me has a degree. Everyone at work. Everyone in my family. Everyone I meet. Even if they're five years younger than me. All of the strangers on the train? They all either have degrees or are getting degrees.

And not only did I want that parchment but in a strange way I felt like I was missing out on something culturally too. Like I thought there was some kind of fun campus culture I was missing out on but that's probably a lie. I saw all those casually dressed twenty year olds on the train and thought somehow they must be happier than I am. I mean, does college have no more meaning than just learning the skills for your career or is there more to it than that? Is it also a cultural institution with many lessons outside the class room? Maybe I just watch too many bildungsroman films and I feel like I missed my jugendweihe.

Maybe this whole exercise is a waste of time as I try to rewrite my misspent youth and also try to be like everyone else. I can never be 20 again. I can never be like everyone else. I can never be like my pretensions overachieving family. Why should I even want to be like those arrogant jerks anyway?

Maybe having more qualifications would help if I needed to look for work again. I'm supposedly a permanent employee but I heard a rumour the company was going to close the office in my hometown in three years. I guess then I could be a full time student and I guess what studying I do now would save me time later on. I fluked myself into one job but maybe next time I have a job interview they'll be looking for someone educated.

I don't really feel very happy with things yet my psychologist keeps on telling me everything's fine. She keeps on saying there's nothing wrong with me.

You definitely sound like you're stressed, and in an anxiety cycle.

Would it help you to break those worries down, to find possible solutions? Finances are always a big stressor, it seems. Have you tried a budgeting program? Have a shopping list to stick to? I have those magnetic notepads on the fridge, and the family adds to it when they need something. If it's not on the list, it isn't purchased.

Good luck with your schooling. You're never too old for school--there have been ninety year olds who earned their degree. A degree does makes you more valuable in the eyes of employers, so stick it out if you can.

Hope you feel better!

Anxiety? Yeah. Cycle? Are you saying this could be some sort of positive feedback loop? No wonder I feel stressed if that's the case.

At the moment my budgeting program in Excel. I always use a shopping list but I think in future I should only buy things on the shopping list instead of saying the list is the minimum amount I must buy. Just today I got home and realized not only did I spend to much but some of it's too fattening as well.

You're right. I should stick with my schooling. Even if I don't need a degree to do the job I already have, I'll need one to get my next job after I get fired from this one. A degree really does make one more valuable in the eyes of employers, in some cases even when the degree is in an unrelated field oddly enough (I find that a little confusing).

Think of it this way: you are no longer On the Dole, On Welfare, etc! That's really a big step.

That, alone, should gladden your heart a bit.

You go through things that everybody goes through. You make mistakes--you learn from them. That's life.

Pay the $1,500. Forget about that great new computer for a few months. In the US, if you fail to pay that, your license would probably be suspended. There are a PHENOMENAL amount of people in the US in the same situation. You're plenty lucky it's only $1,500.

Now... you KNOW to be careful while driving! I had to learn that lesson, too! It's an inevitability, actually, what happened to you. It doesn't make you less of a person.

Now...you don't have to buy that girl that handbag!

I think a little better budgeting would do you well.

I think the "parchment" is more valuable than you think. Let's say you get laid off--no parchment, little chance!
Companies have many applicants. They usually pick the ones with the parchment.

Ahhhh, I'd like to say I'm no longer on welfare but due to a policy loophole I'm still legally able to claim. Yes, I'm honestly reporting my income. It's just that they reduce, not cutoff welfare so long as I'm working part time. They define a full time job as 30 or more hours per week. I'm working 28 hours per week.

I guess I should count my blessings. It would be harder to study while working 37.5 hours per week. Eventually I'll probably be working a 37.5 hour week while studying more subjects than I am now. And I should be extra that get extra income (even though it's a little embarrasing and I'd like one day to support myself entirely). Because I'm working welfair pays $400 per fortnight instead of the usual $,1070 but $400 is still a lot more than I'd expect from them in my situation.

I've been trying to improve my budgeting. For example, I no longer eat out every day.

I think you're right that employers value a degree. The funny thing is, I've met people working in a field unrelated to their degree and I think their employers still valued it.

I'll keep studying but I still don't think of myself as a real student. Real students are aged 18-22 (add a few years if they're grad students) and study full time. Real students start with bachelor degrees. Due to my poor grades in school I have to do a diploma before I can do a degree. Real students go to real colledge. I go to technical college.

Maybe I'm being to narrow minded but that's what I think every time I see a real student.

Yeah, what kind of girl would demand such a thing?

Fortunately I won't have to go on that holiday with her either, though at least that's a more sensible thing for her to have requested.