Hitting an emotional low

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My freedom continues to diminish as my caregiver duties almost 24/7, with just a few opportunities – generally no more than a couple of hours – for relief. It's beginning to wear me down. What really pissed me of was missing a great opportunity to meet up with some local hikers on the last weekend of January. I'd joined a local hiking group in October, but had no real opportunity to make any of the gatherings.

I had a short window of freedom at the beginning of the year while my mother was receiving a bit of rehab at a nursing home. The last weekend she was at the facility, the group was meeting at a state park about a two-hour drive from my little berg, so I sent my RSVP and was looking forward to the event. What happened? I go sick for the first time in years! Lovely!

The window of freedom has slammed shut, things go from bad to worse, and I've hit an emotional low. Luckily, I get a one-week break in mid-April. That's pulling me along, at the moment. Sorry, just needed to vent a bit.

Providing your mum with 24/7 care without additional family support must be a difficult experience, it's not unusual for a caregiver to feel like you do. My small involvement with the shared care of my grandparents was demanding, but, it was important to us to care for them at home until we couldn't meet their medical needs; I'm sure your mum wants to be at home instead of a care unit, and appreciates your care and compassion. Hang in there, April is not very far away.

I agree. Not many even extremely altruistic people could adjust well to such a loss of freedom in life.

It's nice that you're taking care of your mother. She should be glad that she has a good son.

How is your mother about nurses' aides or someone else to take care of her while you pursue your individual tastes?

Thanks for the responses Amity and kraftiekortie. Actually, I get spelled two or three times a year by my sister -- but only for a week at a time. I'm afraid my mother is not too big on strangers taking over for any length of time, but we do have a lady that comes in to help with bathing. I'm doing what I have to do now because...well, I don't want to lose any of that inheritance! (That was a joke -- I think!)

It's pretty tough on you without regular respite care to give you some time to yourself at least once every week.
24/7 caregiving is a recipe for caregiver burnout, and it is not surprising that you are hitting an emotional low. Could I ask what condition your mother has that requires 24/7 care?

B19, she is 93 and, can no longer walk well or get up without some assistance. She also stenosis of one of her heart valves which is stressing her heart. The only way to fix the latter condition is with open heart surgery (not a consideration for obvious reasons) or a fairly new procedure where they go up through the groin through the arteries to fix the valve. We just saw a cardiologist last week about that, but my mother is unsure she wants to bother with it. I can't say I blame her. If it were me, I'd just want it all to be over.

I really feel for you, VegetableMan, as my mother is in the early stages of dementia and my father, who is the same age, struggles to cope. Needless to say, since I'm single my brother and his wife seem to think that it's all down to me - a common situation I'm afraid (and despite the fact that I already work with autistics). I know a guy in Pittsburgh in a similar situation, he's near to breaking point. With a growing elderly population, providing long-term care for old, frail people in their homes is a major challenge that all countries have to urgently face up to, whatever their healthcare system. If they don't, society is going to unravel even more than it has already.

No doubt you've tried to get relief care, so I won't suggest it. If you ever feel like a chat then send me a pm.

Hyperborean, dealing with dementia can be very hard -- this I know from when my Dad was winding down some 16 years ago. I'm sorry you have to go through that. Fortunately for me, my mother still has a mind that it still somewhat sharp (although she loses a bit when she has a UTI).

You're right, caring for the elderly is a major problem that needs more serious attention.

Thanks for the offer to chat. I may take you up on that in the near future.

Thank goodness for the internet, especially for "locked in" sole caregiving situations. PM me if ever/whenever you
want also, VM. It's a pity someone in the extended family can't help out and give you a break though I know that sometimes there just isn't anyone willing or suitable or there are no extended family. So you are isolated with this and it's a big load. It's not so much the actual caregiving but being cut off and everyday the same more or less. Do you have a friend or relative who could/would come around for coffee and a chat, bring lunch maybe once a week? Is there an aged care support organisation that you could at least talk to online or on the phone for their advice/suggestions? Could they introduce a respite carer while you are present until your mother feels safe with the potential carer? And also maybe ring a general support helpline now and then perhaps for a chat, explaining the situation, they will understand. The thing is, since you can't get out much, to break down the isolation in any way you can, I am glad that you posted about this, stay in touch, vent if/when you want, we will understand.

Thank you, B19. I do have some support from my sister, but she is quite busy. But I'm thankful she can spell me for short periods from time to time. I will look into more help in the coming weeks and months. Hopefully, my mother will become more receptive to the idea of outsiders coming in. Looking into some sort of emotional support for myself is a good idea, also.

My stepmother was a caregiver to my Dad in his final days. She was a real trooper. My Dad was able to die at home. There were some things though that had to be done by professionals. I hope your mother becomes more comfortable with that when it becomes necessary.
Good for you for keeping her out of a nursing home. They're awful.

My mom had to take care of my dad in his final days, also. Yes, dying in a nursing home just isn't a good thought. I will say the facility where she received some rehab, recently, was very good (but still depressing).

Patients are treated like part of the equipment. My friend worked in the city senior's home. He saw some terrible things.