Does depression ever go away?

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I'm going to lose my job eventually. I can't show up on time no matter what. By the time I should be going to be going to bed I just feel so much like I don't care, and life sucks, so why should I even lie awake and think about it while trying to sleep? So instead I end up wasting time staying up, playing games, watching videos, doing nothing really.

I know I'm just doing it to distract myself, but I don't see any other option. If I allow myself too much time to think without distraction I usually end up wanting to kill myself and trying to look up how I can do it. And from this research I've learned several ways that are likely to work as long as I do it right (which I will). I can hang myself out in the woods. Or I could buy a gun (at my age I can buy pretty much any type of gun from an unlicensed dealer, even order it online).

I just don't enjoy living. There are some things I like but overall not really. I keep having the words "I hate it" repeating in my head, I don't even know what "it" is. Lots of things I guess.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do about it. Maybe medication, but it's stressful trying to set up doctor's visits when they only make appointments during freaking work hours. Plus the last medication I tried actually made things worse, so I am not extremely eager to try more to begin with.

What would get you to work on time? Do you wake up and go to work? I've had problems being late before, I started taking showers at night instead of in the morning. I have 2 alarms, my clock and my phone. I set it early enough so I can hit snooze a few times. After I get up I usually start coffee immediately. Hitting starbucks and getting a triple shot espresso usually helps my mornings suck less, too.

Or are there problems at work that make you hate your job?

For me it comes and goes, I dunno there comes a point for me where I force myself to make changes because I can't go on living that way which is good but perhaps I just haven't ever been totally broken yet. I've changed my life situation a lot over the last few years and even tho I'm not where I should be now or will ever be, its still a direction tho that lends at least a sliver of hope. I've done my fair share of wallowing and drinking myself into oblivion as well, I'm hoping to keep that restricted to just the holidays now.

I'm pretty awful getting out the door too tho, it really doesn't matter what I do or how I prepared I am something will keep me from leaving. I'll wake up thinking I'll be early and end up being late because I got stuck on the computer or I had to clean something or an infinite number of other things. I don't think depression is the reason I do this but it definitely doesn't help when you don't even want to get out of bed in the morning. Something I've been trying lately since I have a long commute on a train is to listen to podcasts or music that I like on the way to my work/training/whatever, I figure that way I'll start associating it with something enjoyable plus I've noticed that people don't seem to bother people with them on and I've always been the type to obsess and upset myself over every little interaction.

I don't even understand this feeling. Really, why do I want to die? The feeling itself makes me mad. It makes no freaking sense, at least not in my situation.

It's just annoying because there are things I want to do but then when I think about doing them I just feel like, what's the point? There is no point, everything's pointless, nobody likes me, I'm gonna die alone and have accomplished nothing. Even if it's true (I hope at least some of those things aren't) why should I care? If that's really what's gonna happen then there's not really much I can do about it, not directly anyway. I don't have absolute control over what happens to me. I think that's why I'm depressed in the first place though. Stupid complicated emotions.

In answer to the question in the title of your thread: yes. It’s not going to suck this much forever. If you keep living, the overwhelming likelihood is that there will be better times. But I realise that doesn’t mean much. At least in the past when I’ve been depressed, I can logically “know” such a thing but not believe it, or not understand it, so that it makes about as much difference to current feelings or situations as any other random fact that seems to be just words, concepts, holding no real meaning. Sometimes it’s easy to understand that something external will change – winter will turn to spring; the sky will get dark – but far harder to comprehend one’s mental state changing, maybe because it’s so tied up to ourselves, or maybe because it’s just sly and likes to come with a unique sort of blindness.

I’m going to throw out some suggestions. A lot of them you’ve probably heard before, some just might not be that helpful but maybe one or two will. I’m probably going to ask a lot of questions, but just as things to think about, so don’t feel obliged to answer them all if you don’t want to.

You say there are some things you like; what kinds of things?

Medication of a different kind to that which you already tried might help, and there’s also therapy. I get that it can seem like therapy won’t help, and in the past I haven’t had the best experiences, but there is certainly some out there that helps people. It won’t “cure” depression but it sounds like it can help to manage it; to make life a little more bearable.

Staying up for mindless distraction is an easy trap to fall into…of course it really doesn’t help anything, but is better than thinking endlessly about killing yourself. Are there maybe some types of distraction that might help more, or provide some sense of accomplishment, however slight? Could you get outside for a brief walk in the evening (maybe with some music to distract from thoughts)?

Do you have anyone like a family member who could help get you up in the mornings, even if that meant shaking you awake?

Similarly, in preparing to go to bed, could you do something more relaxing—like lying down in the dark or dim light and listening to something (music, audiobooks, radio, guided meditation or relaxation)? If the sleep meds are effective in sending you to sleep, could you try taking them really very early in the evening so they’ll wear off more by morning? I could suggest other things but you’ve probably heard most of them before…exercise, journalling, etc. Some of these things might sound like they won’t help at all, it might sound like nothing will ever help at all but there is something out there, even if just time; suicide isn’t ever the only option although it can seem it…but I’m sure you’ve heard that before too.

There are even things like self-help books (not the ones filled with nonsense, mantras you can’t believe in or magical solutions, but thinks like CBT provide some practical ways to manage thoughts and life in general, and deal with various kinds of problems.) Or over the counter supplements which can help with depression (st john’s wort, SAMe, 5-htp and so on) – they tend to be milder with fewer side effects, though it would probably still be better to get to a doctor in terms of taking anything. If nothing helps at all, then maybe consider that nothing mattering anymore opens up other options. Nothing exactly recommendable – to leave home, to travel somewhere on whim and try literally to escape, to try out things which seemed too harmful or dangerous before, to interact with people you would have avoided or act in a way you would have avoided or get yourself to a hospital if you have a plan and it’s the only way you can stop yourself – just, even if things get truly desperate, there are usually many options, even if it’s hard or impossible to see most of them and something inside of you is overwhelmingly pushing you towards the one that will bring an end to any such thing as an option at all but also cause the most harm.

In reply to the last post – it truly doesn’t make sense. Often it doesn’t. But that doesn’t make it any less real. Sometimes the reasons are hidden away and out of our reach at the moment, sometimes it’s just messed-up brain chemistry. I do believe none of those things are true. Even just having a job is some accomplishment, and I assume you’ve had others – you sound intelligent and thoughful and there is hopefully plenty of time for more accomplishment. Do you have any ideas as to what you want to accomplish?

No-one has absolute control, and it sucks, but most people have some. We just have to attempt to make the best of what we do have, learn from the mistakes and suffering, try to view them as a learning experience or in some way interesting, or in an alternative way though it may take a lot of time and trying out various methods to be able to reach such a stage. No-one can promise anything but I hope it gets better sooner rather than later. It might. Good luck.

You're doing pretty good, Mr. Holmes...don't blow it.

You have a job, your own apartment, a car. You're tall, you're good-looking. Why blow all this? Why do you get these depressed feelings? YOU HAVE TO TRY TO SWEEP THE PAST UNDER THE RUG!! !!

I understand the past sucks. My past, until I was an adult, was pretty much BAD. I was almost put in a group home a few times. When I was very young, I could have gotten institutionalized. If I let my past affect me, I'd be permanently in the looney bin. You have to think about the FUTURE, my friend.

You have the building-blocks for it! Why blow it?

I wish there were a way you could always make it on time to work. I wish I could call you, and blow a whistle so you wake up!

If you lose the job, and can't pay the rent, you're on the hook for the REST OF THE LEASE. Or until the apartment is rented again. If they can't get the apartment rented out, you owe them about $3,500!

Also: you'll have an eviction on your record. Not good.

You have lots going for you....You have to use your cognition. You have to "reality-test" yourself. You have to realize, intellectually, that your depressed feelings have not much basis in your world RIGHT NOW (even though they had a basis IN YOUR PAST).

You've got your freedom. You have a computer. You have a singing voice.

The world's your oyster.

Don't forget my flowing blonde hair and dreamy blue eyes.

But seriously, I'm not even tall. Relatively compared to short people I suppose. I'm 5' 8.5", I thought that was below the national average for males (only a little, and I'm not complaining at all, but I don't consider myself tall).

Anyway, I don't even know exactly what I'm depressed about anymore. I mean, remembering past stuff does make it worse, but regardless of me acknowledging in the moment that the feelings I'm having don't really make sense, given my actual current situation isn't that bad, I feel no different. The only way I can not feel this way is if I'm busy with something (aka a distraction).

I truly don't understand it, it makes no sense to me.

You're 4 inches taller than me.

Your picture makes you seem tall, because you have good posture.

"Average" height really makes no difference.

It's what you do with what you've got. That's most important.

When you're talking about satisfying a woman, it's TRULY "not the meat, it's the motion."

You have some gifts which most people, probably, don't possess. It would be a waste if you don't use them.

I rather wish you could explore the origins of your depression through the written medium.

I don't mean purely "writing about your feelings."

I'm thinking about you making up characters who might feel the way you do. And some "negative" characters who don't really understand you.

Through Fiction, you could overcome the "negative" characters, who prophesy failure for you. Your characters could prove that an alternative viewpoint could also lead to success.

I don't know. Isn't that kind of like false hope (fictional hope)?

No.....It's called creative writing.

That's what fiction writers do all the time: channel their emotions when they're creating characters

Mostly, it's not as extreme as allegory...but there are always elements of an author's various philosophies of life contained within his/her characters.

Not in my experience, and I am sick of hoping for that....I almost feel better not thinking about 'when will it get better' but more like 'this is how it is, how can I get through it and enjoy some of it' So I don't even think about it getting better or worse it just 'is' lately I've just been going with how I feel each individual day....some days are better than others and some are worse than others.

Then drugs and medication....using the brain as a chemistry set, seeing what chemical will do what. Some make you feel better for a while, some make you feel worse for a while some can do either or somewhat dependent on the full experience....its all experimental, but big pharma would have you believe what they have is far superior than anything you find on the street and safer, well its not its all experimental. They don't know anything more about how their drugs work on the brain than how any other drugs work.....they just know theirs have been studied in clinical trials and studies show they make some people feel better or significantly reduce symptoms in such a way the individual sees that as a fair trade off for the risks the drug may carry. Anyways without the help of such chemicals not sure I'd still be here...I mean I imagine if I hadn't started using drugs I would have attempted suicide when I dropped out of college or failed it and thus had to drop out.

I don't know, I'm not much of a writer when it comes to making stories. Plus honestly I'm not sure if I have the motivation for something like that, considering I'm finding it hard to even enjoy my main interests lately.

I really don't want to accept feeling like this. But considering my family history in regard to mental health I'm surprised I went as long as I did with relatively little problem and no diagnosis of anything, other than ADD (which I probably don't even have). I guess it was just a matter of time before something went wrong.