Meltdown - Memory Attack

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Today I went to the store and as happens on some days more than others I was being incredibly harsh and mean to myself inside my head. Then I always realize the type of stuff that I say to myself in my head is stuff that my family has instilled in me from how they treated me as a child. I get really sad and upset and no matter how many times I explain to my parents that I revisit childhood every time I have a meltdown and I try to tell them things that they had done/said to me as a child that had a really deep impact on me...but they always say they didn't treat me like that or they say that I'm making it up. Every time I bring up something that my mom did or said when I was a kid she denies it. When I tell her about how I don't want to be around my dad's side of the family, that I don't want to think about them or see them...she still asks me if I want to come to their family gatherings and even though she says it's okay that I don't want to go I still guilt trip myself for it. Because the way they treated me as a kid has me in this routine of thinking I am always wrong and that my feelings are irrelevant. It makes me feel that by their definition of it I am incapable of "love" in their eyes and that I'm selfish.

So that's where I'm at mentally today. If you have any advice on how to deal with the fact that your relatives/family don't take responsibility for how they have treated you? Talking to them doesn't help me at all. It mostly just makes me feel like they didn't really hear what I was saying and it will all boil down to me "just having issues".

My family always denies things they said or did many years ago too.

I would describe the feeling as like, my thoughts are a sidewalk that I'm walking down and then at some point I decide to tell them my thoughts and memories then they deny, the sidewalk ends and I fall endlessly...until I crash into another sidewalk, live and then do it all over again.

I remember things people say to me verbatim and when (if) I bring it up to remind them for whatever reason, nine times out of ten they blatantly deny it 100%. As in, "I never said that, I would never say anything like that, you're wrong".

It used to mess with my head and I felt like I was being tricked but realized it's just that the other person truly doesn't remember what they said, because they say things they don't mean, without thinking about how it affects you and don't realize the impact they have on your feelings, and if they do- they don't care and talk smack anyway because talk is cheap and people are aholes.

Now I don't bother mentioning things from the past to people anymore, I just avoid the conversation altogether or walk away.