People think that I have friends, but I don't

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I know a lot of people who I get along with. I've moved around for school and different jobs and kept in touch with folk. I have a long list of friends on facebook and I do talk to these people, so when I meet up on the rare occassion I do see a friend in real life I have all these people I talk about, but who I don't actually spend time with.

It seems like I have loads of friends. I can't help thinking that because I'm polite and easy to get on with, then the people I know assume that I have friends so don't feel like they need to bother inviting me out with them because I have friends of my own, so they feel like I don't need them.

Does that make sense? I am always the person that organsises things where we all get together and go for a meal or drinks or bowling or something like that, but only once in a blue moon will someone invite me out.

I feel a bit fed up this weekend. There was a guy I liked and I've got no where with him. I tried to take an interest in him and invite him places, but got nothing back. That always happens with men, My sister thinks that they don't realise that I fancy them, but what else can I do?

Once in a while it all gets too much and I feel sad. I never seem to progress with friendships and relationships with men.

I can't even get people to approach me.

I don't feel like I have a lot of close friends, either. Most of the people in my school and youth group I get along with, and I can have short conversations with them. But those aquaintanceships never seem to turn into actual friendships--we don't spend time together outside of school or youth group, and we don't have the kind of closeness that friends have. I have a couple friends who would consider me a close friend, and I enjoy spending time with them, but I don't feel we really have a connection. I don't tell them personal things about myself, mostly because I don't think they'd be interested. I don't have anyone who knows everything about me.

I find it's best to approach other people. When I was at college no one would approach me, so I would at break time get a coffee and just sit with a different group of friends from my classes and just see who I got on with. It was my therapist who told me to do that. She said that I needed to open up to people or they would think I didn't want them to talk to me.

Are they going out together, without you, or do they just not get out much at all unless you organize something for them? A lot of people are just so busy with work and family they don't get out much for anything else.



Well, not being a typical man, I can't really say what would work with normal guys. Personally, I sometimes have to be hit over the head with it, not necessarily because I don't see the signals, but because I don't trust myself to interpret them correctly, so a blunt declaration of intent is required before I will risk humiliating myself and making someone else uncomfortable.

The only "friends" I have left are the FaceBook variety, which is to say former friends, work and school acquaintances who never gave a rat's patoot about me when they saw me every day, and relatives I only see for a few hours on the holidays. Even the former friends I no longer have anything in common with, and they all live too far away to visit anyway. I live in an apartment complex full of bums and bumpkins, so there's nobody here I would want to know better. I keep my phone charged so my parents can reach me in an emergency, otherwise it rings maybe two or three times a year. I only go out to grocery shop and pay bills, so I never meet anyone to get to know. I used to have a bit of a social life once upon a time, now I don't interact with others enough to even get rejected. I'm sure the people on FaceBook don't realize that I actually have no friends, because they're too preoccupied with selfies and photos of food and housepets to care. Its like I died and someone forgot to inform my body.

Coming from a place of failure, I have given the romantic aspect of developing a relationship a lot of thought. I have read men or people in general are attracted to someone with a degree of vulnerability. I have heard the criticism that the voice is too hard and needs to be softer/more feminine. I have also heard the person won't let people in to see the real person; they have a wall to others. I noticed a friend who really attracts men is very soft and responsive versus another friend who seemed cold and possibly like a stone.

Some people may be able to take down the wall but for me and some other people I know, it is a reflex and involuntary.

If you figure it out, you could probably write a bestselling book.

I also wondered if men are not attracted to logical women. They may want them a little on the emotional side.

Another thought is that I don't think people decide to get together because you would like more friends. I think the question they ask themselves is "Will I have a great time if I make the effort/take the time to get together?".

That made me giggle.



Maybe I didn't really explain my first post very well. I don't mean they should get together just for me so that I can make some friends. I mean, they already have friends and spend time together and they get on with me, but they don't think to invite me to go with them, possibly because they think I'm busy with my other friends, but in reality I am sitting at home watching Netflix.

I have a married friend who says she thinks about me often and will say to herself, "i should make more time for Hurtloam." Ok, I get that she and her husband both work full-time and they need some time together, but she also has an active social life. I think to myself, well if you really did like me as much as you say you do, then why not just invite me to join in on whatever you're already doing? I don't need special time.

I see now what you are saying. I wish I knew the answer. I admire how you make the effort. I always just watched it float by.

I do that, and it doesn't usually end well. Plus I'm tired of having to do the approaching all the time. Why can't someone approach me for once?

hurtLoam, I understand, I really do!
We don't understand, We really don't!

Being on WP really isn't about being on a place where all your questions are answered!

It's a place where your confusion about being human or weak or extemporised or an Aspy or powerfull
or alone or having fun
is just where WE all are!

WELCOME TO WP!

Yeah, I try not to think about it too much, but that works better some days than others.

You seem to be doing much better socially than me, but I sometimes wonder if people make similar assumptions about me. When it comes to work I can get people organised, am not afraid to speak up and say what I mean and can even approach people as needed. So in some ways I may appear quite confident (and I am). I wonder if people extrapolate from this and think "if he wanted to hang out with me he'd ask me".