End of the road.

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Ever since 2013, my family's debt has gotten out of control. We entered bankruptcy but there is no satisfaction. Every spring, my father's family baggage consumes him then consumes us all. We managed to find a new house with more room especially for me and my two brothers and the rent is almost $700 less than our current house. Unfortunately, there is still no satisfaction. There are no neighbors living currently the new house so coming up with extra money to pay the rent is difficult. We can't stay in our current house because we can't afford the mortgage debt we somehow forgot to pay all these years. We can't afford our mortgage and we can't afford the rent.

I fear we may not survive another financial crisis should Wall Street banks screw up again. I fear we may live on the streets and my father's baggage shall worsen.

We are in such need of money that there will be no satisfaction until we're rich. If we were rich, we could do away with our debt and so much more.

I have sacrificed chasing my dreams to spare my family from more debt. What will it take to sacrifice in order to save them from this nightmare? My soul, my humanity, my life? Must I sell my soul for the money to make it all go away?

My parents latest fight over money made me realize so much. I have taken a good long look at my past, my present, and for anxiety's sake, my future. I have taken a good look at all the things I have owned: My games, consoles, Television, DVDs, my computer, everything. Is it worth it anymore? Is ANYTHING worth it anymore?

I can't stay in ignorant bliss anymore. I'm just too awake.

The darkness of this curse has almost claimed our sanity once and I don't think we will survive again. I have watched my family suffer time and time again but I cannot live like this anymore. I cannot live with my family's annual baggage like this anymore. My father is drunk and he's had three mini heart attacks already.

I realize now that to escape this curse, maybe I do have to sacrifice my life, not the suicide way but the running away path.

I've made my decision. Come tomorrow, I'm leaving forever. I will take the road as a drifter. Perhaps an opportunity for self discovery? I don't know. I don't what I want from life anymore nor what life wants from me? Maybe it was building up to this just to see if I would actually do it? Whatever. I will not watch my family suffer anymore. The can suffer without me. They can rot without me. Maybe this curse shall follow me instead and leave my family alone? Who knows? I don't. I've lost faith in nearly everything in the struggle to understand these adversities and I shall understand no longer for these adversities do not understand me.

Is luck some force that can be reasoned or negotiated with or is it something that can be preserved or wasted like stamina. Either way, our luck is wasted and has abandoned us.

This journey may be what I need to confront fate once and for all, to find some answers, to show me what I need to do. This is my life, but it doesn't feel like it. I have freedom of choice but not the freedom of destiny. Therefore, only half of my life is in my control. The world doesn't revolve around me but I feel like something does. I feel like this thing controls my destiny by limiting the actions and results of my freedom of choice as well as the adversities that I face. I became aware of it when this disaster started two years ago. I hope to destroy it when I see it so maybe destiny can be in my control. If the status quo is god and I'm not meant to have such control then, let the universe be destroyed so I can right all of the wrongs.

Maybe I'm talking nonsense. Maybe I'm going overboard. Maybe I'm about to make a big mistake. Maybe, but I don't see any other answers. There is no better explanation and I've done my best to put the pieces together.

I've been given advice, but none applies. I refuse to deal with this issue any other way. To deal with it is to bend over and take it. You don't know what I've been through nor what my father is like. Sometimes, I wish life could stop going forward. Forward brings us nothing but more pain. I wish we could go back to the days before everything screwed up but that would be wishing for too much. Everything I wish for is too much.

If I don't do this now, I'll have to do it later because we're running out of time. Maybe something will come to me and show me what I want to see. Maybe I'll change the world. Maybe I'll die. Maybe I'll get dragged back home and live there for whatever time we have left before we can't afford having a home. What happens is only what fate allows and if I don't play by fate's rules then...

Screw fate. This is my life but only half of it. I will get the other half.

I've done stupid stuff under this much pressure, frustration, and depression before. This decision isn't all that surprising. I'm used to it even though no one else is. I don't expect to get very far. Maybe everything will be fine. Maybe everything will magically correct itself while I'm away. Maybe there was a bluff. Maybe, maybe, maybe not.

Wish me luck...or not. It doesn't matter anyway. Nothing can save us now.

My father is bipolar, and has what I call "Britney Spears Syndrome", which means that he never saw a dollar that he didn't want to spend on DVDs of old war movies, electronic equipment he can't figure out how to use, and cheap Made In China John Wayne souvenirs. Oh, and did I mention the scifi novels?

Anyway, he and my mom make a perfect couple, since she puts daily living expenses on credit cards. I live in a cottage in the back of their property and am trying to save up money to move to Oregon where I hopefully will not be affected when their lives reach Debt Singularity. The only time I took on debt was to finance the business that I hoped would pay enough to move out. It didn't work, so I sucked up and filed for bankruptcy, something my folks refuse to do.

The sad part is that your dad and my dad are like 95% or so of the entire population of the country, putting food on credit cards and juggling 15 different maxed out lines of credit and praying that the next collapse won't force the banks to crack down on them. Sad s**t, really.

Larry Ellison borrows against Oracle shares to fund his life, Obama has racked up a $10 trillion addition to the national debt in 8 years, and everybody else freaks out whenever they get official looking mail from the credit card company. You can't save them, you still love your folks but you can only save yourself, so save yourself. If that means becoming a Tramp/Traveler, do it.

You running away from home is going to add a lot of stress to an already stressful situation, for both you and your family. If you want control of your destiny, get your own financial life in order--get a job, or if you are entitled to disability payments get control of that money in your own name with your own bank account. Sell the old games and DVDs you aren't using anymore and bank that money to be used as a deposit on an apartment if your family loses their house. Then when they fight about money you don't have to engage in it. Knowing you have an escape plan will let you emotionally detach from their financial woes a little bit.

I'm a coward. I could only walk as far as one mile down the road to the country store and buy a drink. I'm a f***ing coward. Still, I can't live with this madness anymore. I don't feel like doing anything anymore. I just want to lie on my bed and stare at the ceiling and wait for this whole world to end before our comfortable lives do.

I tried getting a job. I've applied many times but received nothing. I can barely remember my references. Besides, who would hire an autistic misophoniac anyway? I doubt any employer or co-worker will take me seriously with disorder as hilarious as mine. I did manage to get disability payments of about $700 a month but it's barely putting a dent into our debt.

There are people who have done similar to that and were successful. There are a few people who live well without money too.

There is sadly nothing you can do to help your family. If there is any way to afford it, I think you can move out and maybe share an apartment with a roommate to help with the rent and bills. Becoming a hobo is unfortunately not a good option because you will be attacked by homeless drug addicts and continually harassed by police. Also as I understand it, if you don't have an address they will stop paying you disability.

All I can think of is living with another relative. I don't know anyone I can share an apartment with. I need to make some kind of move fast anyway. Sometimes these problems end in a tragic murder suicide. My father is a likely candidate to pull this off. He's got the beer and the revolver. There's only 2 1/2 or so weeks left before I lose everything unless we can delay the inevitable.

Maryland is a rather expensive state to live in. But you need to act now, especially if you think that your dad might kill you. Unfortunately, you can't report him unless he's threatened you at gunpoint (and even then it's possible they might not do anything) but you really can't wait until he kills you in your sleep. You might look into getting a mailbox at one of those places that serve the homeless population so the homeless can have official addresses to give to the system. I usually wouldn't support somebody becoming a tramp, but it's clear that OP feels his life might be in danger, and he will lose his home anyway because his folks haven't been paying the mortgage.

I hope you have already found another relative to live with.

...

OP, have you tried applying for public housing or Section 8? You probably qualify. Rent is maxed out at 30% of your income. This includes utilities. You also probably qualify for food stamps.

I never knew about that.

...Well , I've been homeless (occasionally "semi-ex homeless " but it not working out or temporarily put up somewhere) for nearly 19 years now ~ All I own is what I can carry ~ Want tips ? A stipend , please .