Soon to be homeless, for the fourth time..

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I'll be homeless again, fourth time now.. Its not the fact that I'll be homeless that scares me though.. Its the uncertainty of what I will be able to do in the future..

The last three were during the last part of high school to escape my mom's abuse (aunt and uncle helped me after a bit), again during my last semester of college before I had to drop out (mom let me stay over at her house sometimes.. I didn't want to).. and again when my mother told me that I wasn't allowed to go over to her house anymore after I had left, traveled to a different state to see a friend and came back a month later. I got a job shortly after that and my mom said because it wasn't full time.. I had to leave. Then my mom became homeless and she said we could go to a friends of hers house.. where I was severely abused by that said friend.. I started to not go back.. Then I got into the apartment I'm in now, the roommate (who was abusive, seems to be a common thing with me to have abusive people around me) bailed on the lease and left me with all the bills.. And now, in order to pay them.. I guess need to be homeless again for at least a short time.

I was hoping I had a home to go to after I paid my bills, because I had a deal with a person/friend of my grandmother's.. she was going to rent her extra home to me at an affordable rate. But she decided she didn't like me, I was too much of an 'issue' for her. I guess because I don't like random people or dogs coming onto the property, I was going to get her in trouble by saying something. Even though I only wanted to live there.. I wasn't going to interact with anyone, do anything with anyone.. I just wanted to have a nice life for once. But I guess that's too much to ask for. Perfect credit and no home..

I've really fought to stay off the streets, out of my car.. I know if I'm not clean physically.. I could stand losing my job and I sort of like my current job. But now I'm almost considering leaving my state, for a warmer place because I live in Maine.. its very difficult to get through winter as a homeless person, I've done it before but in the end my hands were bleeding severely due to the dryness of the air and I was always cold. I was only thankful that I didn't need to deal with snow shoveling. And work always looked at me like I was disgusting, even though I was clean. I took showers regularly.. I washed my clothes... but just because they knew I didn't live anywhere, I wasn't good enough for the job.

I'm under so much stress, I didn't want this to happen. I've worked so hard for what I have, I've worked really hard trying to get healthy and better.. And now its all rubbish, basically.

My father doesn't want to help, that's the end of that... Once I was 18, I was out.. my mom was the same way, but she let me exist in her house for a bit from time to time..

I don't see a way out of this. I don't. And I'm scared its going to be like this for the rest of my life.
I just want a home with a shower and a fridge and maybe some place to have a garden, and to relax sometimes.. I think maybe I don't deserve to have a home at this point, maybe I haven't done enough to deserve it. But most people have homes by age 24, right? Or friends that they can rent with.. Or parents that care about them..

I don't know what to do other than to go through with being homeless... at least until all the bills are paid off. Maybe I'll have money enough to repair my vehicles completely for winter and I'll just deal.. But I don't want this forever. I want college, I want a real career so I can buy a real house, but I don't know how to get better....

I have an empty spare bedroom in a nice house so I'd tell you that you can come stay here with me. Unfortunately you wouldn't be allowed to legally work here in Canada so I'm sorry I can't help you like I want to do. I spent a lot of time sleeping on friends' couches and also found that bullies and abusers follow me through life. I was kicked out of a lot of places for no reason. I used to have a roommate that I didn't charge any rent, because I hate living alone. Now I can't find a roommate at all and wish I had one like you who is quiet and doesn't cause any trouble.

Thank you for the concern.
I don't even own a passport and I don't want to live off another person's kindness.. A person like me just can't pay that back very well. I can't live with other people I think, I just inexplicably make them angry or they think I'm being disrespectful.. its always something because I'm just a disappointment to everyone in my life currently, so what's another stranger to think..

I don't have friends.. to be honest, I've never really had friends. So couch surfing just isn't possible. I don't mind sleeping in the car, just.. during the winter it gets bad and no way to have healthy foods.. I'll have all the money I could ever want I guess, but whats money compared to a safe place to have a live that's insulated, heated and has running water...

You really deserve a break. I am on a different continent and currently going through a temporary bad patch of my own between jobs, so I can't assist, but I would urge you to look at all your available options.

I'm so sorry you've had to put up with abusive people taking advantage of you, and parents who don't care.

Luckily summer is on the way in Maine now. Is the cost of living pretty high in Maine? What kind of work are you doing at the moment. Maybe you could get work at one of the summer camps there since you're still young, should your current work be terminated?

Remember if you are unable to pay people enough for staying with them, you could always volunteer to do work around the house: chores, maintenance, gardening and so on in lieu of rent.

Maybe you could consider Molly's kind offer. It shouldn't be all that difficult to get a passport?

All the best for a better future, on behalf of WP.

I was thinking of going to a therapist/caseworker, perhaps.. I know that sometimes they can get someone into housing assistance.. Where you pay like 30% of your income as rent, which would be pretty nice.. I've always paid about 50% to rent.. My state actually just cut funding for the homeless nearly in half (?), a homeless shelter in our main city had to close like 75 beds(I have not gone there, as I have my vehicle).. We have a really large homeless population.

Back when I had counseling, they always expressed that I had to start putting trust into people. I just see all this as reasons to not trust people, I don't really think I've met many trustworthy people in my life so far and the ones I have are often destined for better things..

The cost of living in Maine is very high.. Most people earning even 10 USD an hour at 40 hours a week is not enough in concerns to comfortable living expenses. Rent for buildings are often in the 800 to 1000 USD range for a single bedroom.. That's like my whole monthly pay check right there.

I work retail in a Photograph Developing lab, its a solid part time position with a semi-permanent schedule... Unless there is a problem with cleanliness, I doubt I will be fired (no matter how many customers I anger).. I'm just aware of it being a common issue. As for camps, I do not think I'm camp helping material. My ability to understand social things on many levels is severely limited. I feel I would ruin someone's experience.

Passports cost somewhere between $125 to $180 USD and can take up to 3 to 6 months(?) to be issued. I do not like taking offers regardless, as kind as they are. I appreciate the gesture, I understand about being giving.. But I do not like to take advantage of anyone or letting it seem like I am doing that, as that's how I think many people see it..

But thank you.
Talking about this stuff is helping curb my negative emotions. I do appreciate it.

Just try to keep your basic cleanliness e.g. cleaning teeth, using deodorant etc, showering and washing your hair: aside from helping in the workplace it makes YOU feel better to be clean. Being polite to customers isn't too difficult unless someone is unreasonable or verbally abusive...

I recommend you go and see a therapist or caseworker asap.

The US doesn't seem to be a very caring society anymore and so many states seem to have a ridiculously high cost of living. In fact the entire Northeast / New England area is likely the same. The gap between the filthy rich and the ordinary folk seems to be getting wider and wider, making affordable living increasingly difficult.

If photography is an interest of yours then I guess you enjoy your current job and would not like to leave unless you were certain of getting a similar work in a different state where the cost of living is less.

It can be hard to trust people when so many of them have let you down or taken advantage of weakness.

I like to feel that WP is here for folk going through hard times and make a difference where possible.