An anxious wait, quite unsettling

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My older brother is undergoing a triple bypass tomorrow, and he also has cancer, so he has lost a lot of physical condition. He is 73. We are not genetically related but I have known him nearly all my life and to all intents and purposes I am his next of kin and his closest confidante. I really am not too sure that he is going to survive this; in recent weeks he seems to have aged 10 years.

I think if the worst happens I am going to have trouble dealing with it. He's the last person alive who was present during my awful childhood, and we are fellow survivors; so there is a strong bond there. I suspect that if he dies I am going to feel abandoned and it will hit me hard, especially as I was abandoned by my parents to an orphanage at 6 months of age, where awful things happened to me. Usually I sail on through life looking to the immediate future and the present. These exceptional events can throw me off track, emotionally, psychologically, though I am no stranger to grief. My other younger brother died late last year (we shared the same biological mother, she abandoned him too) so that hit me hard and the scar tissue is still a bit tender. There has been so much loss over the past 6 months, as some of you know, particularly in relation to my beloved animals, and the feeling of personal safety (since a very large 4WD T-boned my car a few months ago).

I have really appreciated the thoughtful and caring PMs which I received during and after these events and others in the past 6 months. Thank you

I hope I will be writing here in the next few days that recovery is progressing, though if not, support will immensely help me through the first stage of absolute shock and grief. We will see what happens tomorrow. Meantime I will try to hope for the best..

I hope recovery will be progressing as well.

Bypasses frequently yield amazing results.

Are they actively treating the cancer as well?

Hi KK. Not treating the cancer until he fully recovers from the bypass - would be too much for his diminished system to take. He has other problems too, like diabetes and urinary problems and each has taken its toll, collectively awful, plus his pyschological state is (not surprisingly) hyperanxious, and they don't want to give him anything to calm this as major surgery is so imminent. He really is in a wretched situation and is very frightened, which is painful to see.

At least you're there for him. This will help him.

I feel for you. I too have aged parents and siblings whose health is deteriorating. I have played the role of a caregiver often but have not yet dealt with a similar serious condition that you are facing right now. But very soon, I might have to.
When my parents were in the hospital for surgery and other issues, I was there. But at that time, I was young and less emotional perhaps ? therefore less anxious . I used to read spiritual books in the hospital to motivate myself. Not religious, but spiritual books ( books by Robin Sharma ). You can try those books -they address the issue of life and death and self motivation and all that.
Please do not be alone with your thoughts. Pick up and read some spiritual books ( about life & death/life-crisis/caregiving) when you are alone and down. They might help you to pull through this crisis and make you mentally strong. Another thought: You may also join any of the caregivers forum in the internet. There are many caregivers in these forums who are going through similar crisis like yours. They have opened account in the name of living/deceased patients and have written many posts/blogs on how much that person meant to them. Visit this link if possible :http://www.alsforums.com/forum/general-discussion-about-als-mnd/25794-staying-mentally-strong-after-als-diagnosis.html.
Hope this helps.

I trust the operation goes well. I believe he is in good hands. Just continue to be there for him; I'm sure he appreciates your support. At least he's not alone. I'm sure there are little things you can do to help take his mind off the imminent procedure and calm his anxiety.

Please keep us updated; there are many here who care about each other.

I will be thinking of you B19 and hoping for the best, cross the bridges if you have to.

Thanks for the messages everyone. I've just come home and its 9pm here, he was actually in quite good spirits tonight compared to yesterday. I met the anaesthetist tonight and was very impressed with her (I met the surgeon yesterday and he was good too). The operation is scheduled to take place between 10am and 2pm tomorrow, and they said he may not wake up from the anaesthetic until the morning after that. So far so good and things may turn out well. I have assured him that they will, because he is a worrier.. though anyone would be worried in these circumstances.

The operation went ok and he is in intensive care, has woken up from the anaesthetic, a critical care nurse is with him 24/7 and so far so good. Given his pre-op condition, he is doing much better than they feared, they were not confident of this outcome. It is such a relief for everyone.. he will probably be staying in hospital until the next lot of surgery which may be a few weeks away. They don't want to delay that any longer than necessary.

Sounds great, B19.

It seems like he has a mighty will to live.

He has just come out of critical care to a high dependency ward. His mood is very low though his progress is reasonable. By nature he tends to be very pessimistic so I have to keep providing the half-full perspective, and that's fine..

An interesting piece of pattern detection: watching his recordings screen I picked up subconsciously that something wasn't right there. The figures for BP etc were ok, but something was off on my radar.. so I went right up close to it. The nurse assured me it was ok (a bit annoyed I think). But it wasn't. In small print on the top left hand corner, they had the wrong name on it!! !! ! (This is a serious error). So I told them - this is not him! The recordings were his, as he was attached to the machine... they were a bit sheepish and apologised and remedied the name error. So one point for the Aspergers pattern detection skills! We are detail oriented by and large and spot the anomalies. Ain't that great!

Well done! I often notice things like that.

Good to heat things are going OK, keep us updated. How fortunate he is that he has you to support him at this tough time.

Thinking of you, B19. I'm really glad it's "so far, so good"! !

We ASDers have a really hard time keeping friends / family, so I can really understand your (sort-of) desperation to hold-on to him.

Wishing you peace.....

I hope he and you are both doing well.

We're sorry to hear that.



Sweet Pea hugs

I do appreciate your thoughts and support. We have had a difficult few days as my brother has been in a mood of total negativity although his care is good (though he can't see it at the moment). After 3 days of constant complaints - which I can understand, they are in a way of trying to take back some sense of control - I was feeling very frazzled. However with a mixture of encouragement, reward and a dab of tough love, he is at last making an effort to help himself by getting off his chair instead of just sitting and complaining (important that he does for his health, we do not want ulcers on his back and he has been immobile for over a month now) and I have rewarded him with four books of puzzles that he really likes. Just as well I majored in psychology! I do understand that this is a terrifying time for him and that he has to adjust to a whole new way of life after being self employed for nearly 60 years. He expects me to be there the whole of visiting time (6 hours everyday) which is just not workable for various reasons, not least my mental health... I also understand caregiver burnout so I pace myself and make sure that I spend sometime de-stressing by a lovely spring near the hospital grounds with ducks and waterlilies after difficult visits. At the moment they are all difficult visits.

I know that as a hospital patient the world tends to shrink to immediate small things that assume enormous importance out of all proportion, like yesterday he threw a tantrum because his phone was flat and that triggered a panic attack and about 15 calls to me. So today I have asked for some social work support as well for him, which is going to start today, a social worker will visit and chat with him about his concerns. This will take some pressure off me (I hope) or I am going to end up in the next bed I think! I also know from my own fairly extensive surgery experience that sometime in the first week there comes a point where you sort of turn a corner and there are daily increments of feeling better which lift your mood and outlook. He is not quite there yet though hopefully soon will be.

The new cat is providing impressive caregiver support to me with cuddles and handlicks on a continual basis and your support complements that. Thanks