Keep thinking people don't like me

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Lately I've become very paranoid of what others think of me, to the point where if they are having a bad day and seem a bit miserable, I always think they suddenly don't like me any more. I know in my heart that they are just quiet or miserable because of their own problems and it's not me, but my social anxiety tells me that they don't like me any more.

I actually have had people just stop liking me for no reason, and it isn't because they're having a bad day. Like the people who I used to volunteer with at a charity shop. I left on good terms, because I have a paid job and also want to move on and do other things, but I still sometimes go back to say hello, and sometimes donate some old books or clothes for the shop, which is thoughtful. But each time I go in there I feel nobody's interested in me. They just go ''oh, hi, Jo'' in a flat tone of voice, and say nothing else, even though I have tried to start a conversation, and have asked how they're doing and other social graces like that. I know them rather well because I've been regularly volunteering with them for 3 years.
I do take this personally because when I still volunteered, I remember someone who had left used to go in and visit sometimes, and everyone made a fuss of her and gave her a cup of tea. But me, it's like ''oh you don't volunteer here any more, we don't want to know you any more''. It's quite hurtful because I thought I had made some friends.

I know I'm quite quiet but I'm always friendly, love to chat, enjoy engaging in small talk, have good intentions, and I have good understanding and empathy, but people still don't want to know. It just gets to me sometimes, and makes me wonder if I'm a bad person?

Nah Joe, you're definitely not a bad person.

At least thats what I told myself when I had similar experiences.

Some people make others feel good about themselves, they have a certain something that makes them attractive to other people. I don't know what that is though and I don't have it, but I much prefer being a wallflower.

It might not be friendship, but, maybe the people you volunteered with view you as an easy going acquaintance, I dunno, I'd like that outcome.

Same thing happens to me. When I was first hired they had a big going-away office party for the woman who was doing the job before me. For the 3 years I worked there they also had going-away office parties for people who were retiring or otherwise leaving. When it came to me leaving no one said anything, let alone had a party or brought cake.

It's hard not to notice this and to not attribute this to people not liking you. In fact I'll go out on a limb and say that it probably is true that people don't like you when they behave this way, even though this is not an encouraging thing to say. I'd rather not give out false encouragement which I don't believe in. Sorry if I made you feel worse.

I just don't see why I suddenly become disliked. I've even known other Aspies, who speak in monotone and struggle engaging with people, have more people being friendly to them than I have. I can't help feeling disheartened, because I've been told by different people that I am a nice person, easygoing and neutral, and I've even proved so many times that I am nice. I have a witty personality, and know not to say stuff to people that would upset them, because I am not blunt at all.

For example, if I had a cake for lunch and a fat person jokingly said ''hey, where's my piece?'', I would not say something like ''you don't need a piece of cake at your weight'', not even as a joke. Instead I would say something like ''sorry, you're too late!''

That's just an analogy type of example. I do get when somebody's joking and when they're not, and I know what to say to not sound nasty and so on.

Yet people just randomly stop liking me. It's such an embarrassment. The only friends I have are people with neurological differences. One of my friends I think is on the spectrum, and another friend of mine has Fragile-X Syndrome. And one of my other friends is an NT but is very eccentric, and I think she has OCD and might have ADHD too. She's really nice because she only dislikes rude or snobby or nasty people. People with disabilities, she doesn't even hardly notice their disability, even if it's really obvious. She just sees them as a nice person. You don't get many NT people like that. But she can be a little tiring to be around too much though, but I do ring her regularly.

But most people dislike me for no reason. Even people who seem nice.

Molly: from what you wrote, it doesn't seem as if they disliked you personally.

I think they had a high regard the worker whom you were replacing.

Yes, there might have been some resentment by some (definitely not all)--but I think it's more that they liked the previous worker, rather than disliking you, per se.

Joe: I'm sorry you feel this way. People frequently have bad days--and they might take it out on whoever is there at the moment. I doubt it very much if it is because they dislike you.

My experience at work so far has been that rather quiet and, possibly, shy people like us tend to 'slip through the cracks' a bit. Like, some people I work with know a lot of people in the entire company and are often greeting people they know or going out with them.. I barely really know anyone outside of my department and I don't always greet everybody, and in return I'm not always greeted by them... if you don't make a lot of noise or are otherwise remarkable, people will not have you in mind as much and might forget about you or just not really have any relationship to you. Doesn't have to mean they actively dislike you, they just don't really know what to do with you. Of course I don't know you but it sounds like this might be the case.

I hope that is the case. Also I have social anxiety, where I fear of saying something stupid and then I feel quite nervous when talking to most people, and hopefully people think ''oh she seems nervous, I don't want to make her feel under pressure to be friends, maybe she's happy just being friendly acquaintances''. In other words, they get the wrong impression of me but it's not a bad impression.

Also, many people are selfish and don't really like anybody. They might pick on you specifically just out of convenience. For this reason I stopped caring about what others like.

Maybe they don't like you. But sometimes that is part of life. Someone won't like you, through no fault of your own, and there is not really anything you could have done to avoid it, or should do about it. One would think that people decide who they like based on things like altruism, politeness, moral and ethical integrity, and how well the person treats them and others, but unfortunately, they don't always, and those who possess the qualities I stated sometimes find that they've fallen into disfavor with others. A person could dislike you for something you have done, or have not done, or something entirely unrelated to anything you have done. It could be for a valid reason, or it could be for something incredibly small and petty. They could dislike you for something inherent to themselves, or they could dislike you due to their own insecurities about themselves.

In any case, if you haven't wronged the person, and haven't done anything that one could reasonably decide to dislike you for, you are an innocent party, and it's probably best to just not engage with the person.

As an example, I present my neighbor. As a rule, I am generally polite and friendly with all of my neighbors, and people in generally really. However, one of my neighbors appears to be upset with me at the moment, and I believe the reason is, she and our other neighbor do not get along, and she wishes that I take her side by treating the other neighbor poorly. I do not believe this is a reasonable expectation, as I've not been a witness to the conflicts between them in their entirety. I do not know what they are about, who starts them, or what transpires during them, and I would likely not treat the other neighbor poorly one way or another, because it is counterproductive to conflict resolution.

I've been placed in a situation where, through no fault of my own, one of the two neighbors will end up disliking me. It's unfortunate, but such is the case with irrational people, that when you are in close proximity to them, it's only a matter of time before they make irrational demands you cannot reasonably meet, and you fall out of disfavor with them.

Their favor is not worth vying for.

That's a good point Chronos. That happens with me too, when different people expect favor from me over someone else. It is just people's nature I guess, you can't really please everybody at the same time. Anyway its good to try to be fair anyway, in these situations I usually try to set an example.