Suicide Nearing

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Feels like I'm going to kill myself soon. Life feels more and more futile as attempts at improving myself or the broader world around me compound upon themselves, saying, "effort doesn't yield results, or maybe you're just an incompetent fool. In any case, this cycle you set yourself in is meaningless. Why not end it?"

I'm tired. I've tried everything I can think of. It seems as though I've hit a brick wall. I have no will to do anything substantial now. It's not especially painful, but there's an unshakable, inherent impermanence to life that keeps me from doing anything. I don't believe I have a passion or a purpose. In fact, I'm beginning to be of the opinion that autistic individuals like me are simply defective.

"Are you okay?"
"What's wrong with you?"
"I just don't understand you..."
Hearing things like this every single time I come into contact with people just bolsters the idea that I really am on the wrong planet. I have no friends. Zero. Not a soul to speak with. I don't even have the ability to speak my mind even if I was given a platform to do so. It's at the point where the majority of my thoughts consist of having mock conversations in my head; it actually sounds more like I'm lecturing than conversing. All of my dreams involve talking to people. All I see in them are old buddies from school. I just can't stand it any more.

I'd like to think I just need someone to talk to, but what about? I've already planned out exactly how to kill myself, I feel like I'm just distracting myself now.
I've tried everything but talking about this feeling, and I don't have any money for therapy. If you believe you can help, please do so. Despite all of this garbage, I'd really rather not die.

I'm so sorry to hear that you're feeling like this. Please call a suicide hotline. Which country do you live in?

i'm glad you really don't feel like dying and are reaching out for help. the US suicide hotline is 1-800-273-talk.

I've certainly been in this kind of predicament before...so I know the feeling. I have used distraction as sort of a temporary thing until I feel a little better, or just coming up with things I wont kill myself till after I do so like putting it off...sometimes that works for long enough until for whatever reason the feeling dies down. I did have an attempt when I was 15 its since than I came up with those coping mechanisms....I've been in the hospital twice though over feeling suicidal because sometimes those things don't work, or the feeling just persists so much so it stops me from even being able to distract myself at all.

I don't really have an answer of how to get rid of feeling that way entirely, or to keep it from every coming back...I wish I could figure that out. But distracting is not a bad idea if you're able. I know how it is not being able to afford therapy, only reason I can now is medicaid but I've been through a lot of not very helpful therapists and stress of missing appointments, being switched to different therapists over and over and other annoying stuff which isn't any help when I'm already struggling.

Not sure what all to say but I've felt very similar...and I've still managed to stick around, even though there's been the times it feels like I cannot possibly take it anymore or be made to feel any better whatsoever. And I guess I'd recommend if you get to the point you are on the verge of harming yourself get to a hospital...you won't want to probably but might thank yourself for it when you get out and are alive. Also sometimes they can help find you continuing treatment or if you may qualify for disability or medicaid they can usually help you get on those programs, or at least point you in the right direction...any ways here to listen I know its difficult.

You are obviously feeling overwhelmed right now by painful experiences of hopelessness (and powerlessness). It is a dark sad heavy place and the first question I would like to ask you - was there something in particular that that happened recently which triggered these feelings and made them a lot more painful? Something however small you think it is - something someone said, or did, or some other event? What's been happening for you? Can you give us some more details? Can you identify when this heaviest darkness started? Do you live alone or with others? What's going on for you (apart from the desperation and pain you are feeling). Hang in there; you will find supportive members here. Could you share a bit more?

Don't let others define who you are. Make a niche for yourself. Real friends can be overrated. You will find genuine friends online such as here. Just because we may not even be in the same country doesn't matter.
Apart from family I have one or two really supportive friends but they don't live in the same city as me, so most of my contact with them is online or telephonic. I get lonely, but keep myself busy.

It may not be apparent to you now but you have something to contribute just by being here. I am fully aware of how hopelessness can creep in. My best friend was suicidal years ago and he needed me more than ever before. The whole situation, however, caused me years of post traumatic stress but we've moved on from that low point.

You are not defective, even if you feel so at times. Most of us on the spectrum want to see positive change in the world but see few results and feel we are powerless to change things. But you can change yourself. Seek help please! We care about you. Remember WP is a global community, just as real as a little town would be in the old days, and all our "residents" matter to us.

"Be the change you want to see in the world" - Mahatma Gandhi

Which country are you in, Wallop? And do you identify as male or female?

If you're in the UK, you can contact the Samaritans, they have volunteers who staff their helplines, which are open 24/7, or I think it's also possible to go into a branch to talk to someone if you live close by:

http://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you

And/or CALM - the Campaign Against Living Miserably - is an organisation that aims to prevent male suicide (one of the major causes of death amongst males)

https://www.thecalmzone.net/

And/or the UK's National Autistic Society has a telephone helpline, and they might be able to point you in the direction of local services that might be able to help you:

http://www.autism.org.uk/news-and-event ... ct-us.aspx

If you're in the UK and feeling suicidal, you can always go to your nearest hospital with an A&E department. You might have to wait for a long time in the waiting room, depending on how busy they are, but you should be able to see someone from their psychiatry/mental health department who can assess you and then refer you to appropriate support services.

We're sorry you're feeling that way.



Sweet Pea hugs

http://www.suicide.org/hotlines/virgini ... lines.html

(hotlines for US)

Thanks to the person who reported this!

Please don't give up just yet. If you feel the need to talk you can talk to me, or any member of the mod team as well.

hugs!

Feel free to PM also.

Is your primary concern loneliness or are there other things bothering you also?

Excellent post, Wallop. Thank you. You're throwing light on this difficult subject from many angles. You seem to be thinking pretty much the way I am, although I have the feeling (and how do I know?) that I am decades older than you are. It doesn't matter, I could be younger.

I'm thinking about my own death daily. Once a day, a dozen times a day, hundred times a day. Always. What really keeps me from doing anything concrete, is my cat. She would miss me, she needs me. I'm the only person in her life who knows how to feed her, how to play with her, how to groom her the right way. This is not originally my own idea, some other member in some other thread said it and when I read it, I thought that this fellow told the thruth.

Like you, I have no real friends, I have no one really to talk to. And as you said, "But what about?" I have done so many conversations within my head that I'm simply too tired to repeat them at the presence of a living person.

Nothing I've ever tried to achieve in this life has been a success. I think I only leave havoc behind. Well, I'm better than average in mathematics and constructing cross-word puzzles, but that's it. I've never worked hard enough to get any real profession, I've never been married. I'm better at talking to cats and angels than to people.

However, I think part of the solution to this kind of problem is that life does have a purpose. Some greater mind, world-soul or God if you like, may need our experiences. These experiences may be collected and stored for future use. Your experiences, mine, my cat's, all living creatures' personal experiences. How sad such world-soul must become while going through their archives.

But let me quote you again, Despite all of this garbage, I'd really rather not die.

Hey there, Wallop

I’m sorry you’re feeling so depressed. It can be hard to be different and at odds with the world around us. But we are not defect. Aspies and autists are absolutely not less worth than NTs!

Is there a particular event that lead to your being suicidal, or is it your general situation?
It sounds like you’re lonely and need someone to talk to. There are many people here on WP who are in the same boat. You can talk to people here.

If you want to talk to other suicidal people, there are two forums that are particularly for support:
http://www.suicideforum.com/

http://www.takethislife.com/suicide-forums/
A lot of countries have suicide hotlines and some kind of service where you can call and talk to people (often volunteers). Exactly what they are called will differ depending on where you live.
You needn’t be afraid to get in touch with them, they’re there to help you. People in The Red Cross and The Salvation Army are also generally good like that.

You could also volunteer yourself. I’m sure there are other people in your community who wants someone to talk to. Here we have something called “besøksvenn”, “visit-friend”. It means they get visited by someone who volunteers. There might be something like that where you live, and you might find someone there who will listen, and if you feel up to (and are interested in) volunteering, then maybe you can help each other mutually.

If there are any autism/Asperger groups in your area, it might be good for you to seek it out.

All my dreams involve talking to people!


Wallop, I will talk to you every time, all the time, and anytime!

He's gone!