Just about ready to give up.

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I hate my life these days. Really hate it. I waste most of my time and energy on trying to keep myself calm (even though that's a losing battle most days, and my hypochondria, social anxiety, and general anxiety end up causing me to feel panicky), and I have little-to-no energy left for anything else. I wish like anything that I didn't have Asperger's Syndrome. Yet I also feel like it's wrong for me to feel that way, since so many people these days (especially other Aspies) like to pretend that Asperger's is a good thing, and that it can't possibly cause any sort of negative issues like anxiety or depression.

I've tried meds and therapy, but those things just simply don't work for me. I react badly to the side effects of most meds, and I've actually become asexual after trying just about every SSRI there is. (I'm actually wondering if I'll ever get my sex drive back. It doesn't seem likely at this point, since it's been years since I had it.) Not only that, but most meds also give me at least a small amount of nausea (and my anxiety just adds to that nausea), and that just triggers my hypochondria. I start worrying if I'm eating enough and getting enough nutrients, and I also worry about whether my ever-present acid reflux is causing me to have Barrett's Esophagus (an early form of esophageal cancer that can be caused by too much reflux). I do take meds for my reflux, but my parents, who I live with and who are anti-meds, like to make me feel guilty about taking those meds, and like to tell me that I should try to get off of them because of the long-term side effects.

As for therapy, I can't really get much from it, since I don't have the energy or the strength to do any exposure therapy. As of right now, exposure therapy is the only known way to overcome anxiety disorders. Yet I'm just so exhausted most days (a fact that also triggers my hypochondria and makes me wonder if I have sleep apnea, a heart condition, or some other scary disorder) that I can't make myself face my fears and do any exposure therapy anymore.

I just really want to give up. Suicidal thoughts have become a regular occurrence for me, yet I don't want to tell anyone (I have told my therapist, but she doesn't seem to care), since I don't want to be locked up in a psych ward. f**k the fact that society cares so little about suicidal people and just wants us to be locked up away from everyone else.

I'm really sorry you're feeling like this. The best thing to do is call the suicide hotline 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255). Hope things get better soon

Thanks, but my social anxiety makes it nearly impossible to talk to others, especially over the phone. The idea of calling a complete stranger and telling them about my suicidal thoughts and feelings makes me feel sick to my stomach. And it doesn't help that I've read a lot of stories about how the Suicide Hotline has called the cops on people.

Do you have anybody you can talk to who can help you? A family member, a friend?

My parents hate hearing about my suicidal thoughts, since they're total worrywarts, and hearing about my suicidal thoughts tends to stress them out and make them panicky.

As for friends--hah!--I wish. God, do I wish I had friends.

The only person I can talk to about my suicidal thoughts these days is my therapist, and I tend to downplay the severity of my suicidal thoughts whenever I tell her about them, since I don't want her to commit me to a mental hospital.

If you want a friend, I'll be your friend. Maybe talking about it with someone would help. I'm on Facebook if you want to add me.

I've had a hard life. I don't know what I'm going to do for the rest of the summer, or the future as a whole, to be honest.

Asperger's is no longer a diagnosis though ever since version V of the DSM came out.
Not that I regard the DSM to be based on any genuine science.

I had suspected that this may have been the case based on your previous paragraph. Many people, and you are not alone on this, have learned that SSRI's are actually damaging, and don't actually help them with anything. Also, the drugs have more to do with causing things to do with social-anxiety & depression, than Asperger's itself.

Anyway, regarding sex-drive, your body is going to need time to heal, and it's going to need specific foods along with probably certain supplements (when I tested taking SSRI's for myself, besides the extremely painful headaches, I found that it ruined my thyroid-function, although I didn't know it back in the day). For hypo-thyroidism, a combination of iodine-supplements & catalyn & thytrophin seemed to work for restoring my energy levels, and as for sexual-function, although it took a while of boycotting bad food (GMOs or anything that contains BHT), and only eating decent (organic) food, I found that I kind of stumbled upon being able to treat/cure erectile-dysfunction.

You will want your water to be filtered, and to avoid any and all types of sugar-waters (such as soda/pop/soft-drinks/energy-drinks/etc.), only drink purified water preferably filtered from reverse-osmosis, eat a LOT of fruits (high-water-content fruits) like water-melons, grapes, oranges, stay away from anything dry (like breads/crackers/etc), bananas are also good, get only almond-milk instead of dairy milk, the vegetables that I like to eat I will wrap in a super-soft tortilla shell which includes tomatoes, cucumbers, lettuce, alfalfa-sprouts (that you can grow/sprout yourself with a kit), green-peppers, and I also hear that potatoes are good for helping negate headaches.

I was a real mess myself, not knowing that the psychatric-drugs were the source of my health-problems, but now I know, just be careful not to quit them all cold-turkey, otherwise the withdrawal-symptoms could be severe.

Nutrients & vitamins & supplements have helped me get back from the mess that I was once in but some sources would suspect that the drugs may negate any beneficial-effect of the nutrients found in the foods that you eat. I have also recently read that an over-ripened banana is more effective to deal with an upset stomach due to acid-reflux than to take any antacids. Have not tested this yet, but I do know that if a banana is kept in a sealed air-tight plastic-bag, then put into the fridge, the banana will become over-ripened very quickly. May be worth a try.

I agree that it's a shame that most of humanity doesn't seem to care about the plight of others (all that most people I've witnessed seem to care about is whether they're well-off or not even if their wealthy or privileged live-style is coming at the cost of impoverishing others or causing others to suffer in order to support their life-style). I have studied & researched the sources of a lot of causes of various suffering, because I have been through a lot of the same experiences myself (this includes past-day suicidal-thoughts), and it's quite frustrating to see the state of society being more concerned about « idol » television-shows than they are about trying to help improve the conditions of society for those who are suffering.

Anyway, I am aware of many cases of others who are in a similar situation to you, but you are not alone and you should refrain from doing anything that terminates your life earlier (although psychiatric-meds are suspected of lowering one's life-expectancy though but as has been warned you cannot just come off of them cold-turkey or the withdrawal-symptoms could be extreme), for there are factual-cases of people who've made recoveries (one of my associates has been assisting with a case of an elderly lady who was in Stage-IV Cancer, and she had also been on many drugs herself, but eventually they started doing things that are similar to some of my recommendations to you and after a few months it seems like she's able to walk on her own again instead of becoming a potential vegetable).

Although I cannot necessarily personally watch over you there's always hope to be able to reverse a seemingly hopeless situation if you keep your mind open enough to see that everything can be turned into a potential opportunity (rather than resigning yourself to the idea that opportunity only knocks once... plus the fact that there's always more than one solution to every problem rather than only one method of trying to tackle a problem). I do very sincerely hope that you manage to be able to make a healthy recovery from your plights but for now all I can really do to attempt to assist is to simply point you towards the information of others who've been in similar situations to you & their stories of recovery...

The above-quote is from the following video...

I think it might do you some good to watch all of the videos on his channel so that you at least have somewhat of a « map » available regarding the various options & processes of having a chance & opportunity at recovery.

Thanks, but I just don't have the energy to maintain a friendship. I do appreciate the thought, though.

It doesn't have to be a heavy-duty friendship.

Just some time communicating with another person.

Thanks for the info, but between my depression, my hypochondria, and my acid reflux, changing my diet right now isn't a possibility. (Not to mention that the diet that you mentioned as a way to help treat sexual dysfunction seems entirely random and I don't understand how exactly that particular diet would treat sexual dysfunction at all. What is it about filtered water, soft tortillas, and alfalfa sprouts (and all of the other foods you mentioned) that makes them a cure for that condition?)

Also, bananas actually make my acid reflux worse, not better. Why do you seem to think that that remedy will work for 100% of all people, anyways? Do you just not understand that different people's bodies react differently to certain things?

Also, I do have Asperger's. And I trust the DSM. I don't appreciate you trying to tell me that I'm wrong about that.

And I plan to continue taking my meds, no matter how miserable they make me, since the alternative is to suffer with debilitating anxiety. And I hope you can understand why I don't want that.

Also, why do you expect me to be able to afford hypnotherapy? It's not covered by my insurance, you know, and I don't know if I'd be willing (or able) to pay for it out-of-pocket. You seem to live in the UK, so I have to ask, you do realize that not everyone is lucky enough to have socialized healthcare, don't you?

Last edited by quiet_dove on 30 Jun 2015, 7:13 pm, edited 4 times in total.

Even that's asking too much of me. I really feel bad about saying that, though. Please don't take it personally, as I'm sure you're a really kind person, and I'm sure you'd be a great friend. I just can barely manage to talk to anyone (even my parents) at all these days.

I bet you're really a good person.

I think you need some counseling....somebody objective to talk to.

I also think you should go back to "basics" with yourself. Make a clean slate for yourself.

I do have a therapist, though I only see her once every other week these days. And I don't know how helpful she actually is, especially since she tends to go off on tangents a lot, and it's hard to get advice from her. (She tends to be really wishy-washy and give me an "I don't really know" type of answer when I ask her for advice, and I tend to have to ask her a few times before she actually gives me advice.) I don't know if I'm willing to try to find a new therapist, though.

Also, how would I make a clean slate for myself, seeing as I can't exactly afford to move out of my parents' house, or make any other huge changes to my life?

And thanks, by the way. I appreciate the compliment and the support you've given me thus far.

I meant that you should make a clean slate for yourself.

I understand you can't move away from your parents yet. But I do hope you are able to, some day.

You're a reasonably intelligent person. How much schooling have you had?

I have a Bachelor of Science in English. (The only reason I have a B.S., rather than a B.A., is because I just didn't get enough credits for a B.A.) I really wish I had majored in a more employable field. But then again, I'm not good at much else other than writing. And I'm only halfway-good at that.

Maybe try to get a civil-service position. Take a test, get yourself on the list.

That's what I did. I've been on my job 34 years.

Many of these jobs don't require contact with the public.