Alone

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I feel like Gregory House I feel alone and I can distance myself from people in a way where like House I feel like i need to be miserable. I am addicted to certain behaviors which bring me little joy only bouts of 5 minute euphoria. This is not a substance but intensive scratching, because it feels great, but I want to stop. I feel like Sherlock in the sense that I get in bouts and don't speak to people for days on end. I feel like The Dr. Because I am alone I have no friends just coworkers and acquaintances and coworkers who I feel alien to. I am trapped in a small town and have one more semester until I receive my associates degree in History. I just cant stand the boredom and being alone. I love people, But I hate them at the same time. I have anxiety and depression which makes me feel like I don't want to talk to people, which is what I need. I am posting this post to be more emotionally open as part of self help and for a way to feel important and loved. Any help is helpful. I have been in very low places before in regards to depression and I don't want to feel this way anymore I need friends and a reason to care.

I am sorry. You are severely depressed and you may consider seeing a therapist. The distancing is a sign of depression. You have to force yourself to make friends or else you'll feel more alone.

From what you've written there, it appears that what's going on internally is dictating your current situation far more than what is happening to you externally, because you are surrounded by people, yet you still feel lonely. People will often complain of being "trapped in a small town" but it's often the case that you can become anonymous and even more lonely in a large city.

It's probably a fairly typical predicament for those of us on the spectrum who struggled to make any friends or connections with people in early life, who couldn't handle the feeling that situation gave us and shut that feeling off. Children appear to get over things and go and do something else much easier, but in reality those feelings are stored away for dealing with in later life. So as children we disappear further into our own world whilst convincing ourselves that we don't need friends, because doing this, that or the other on our own is much more fun and rewarding. But we can't kid ourselves forever.

What happens is that deeply buried uncomfortable feelings in childhood will use any excuse to push their way up into conscious attention in adulthood to try and make themselves known and understood in their original context, but if you're not able to recall or deal with disturbing/troubling memories in early life, they will begin to take over your life in the present and create scenario's or use current situations to mimic the original problems, so that you might at least begin to understand them.

I think depression/anxiety is the beginning of a natural process of becoming a well adjusted and wise human-being who understands his own suffering and, through that process, develops compassion for others, but society as it currently functions doesn't have time for that. Progress is stunted and we become trapped in the middle of that process, with only pills or alcohol offering us a way out to just forget about it, or CBT that encourages us to only think good thoughts and feel good feelings, like some old time religious preacher encouraging us to overcome the devil within. Yet there's no such thing as good or bad feelings, they are what they are and they need to be felt and understood for what they are.

At least you're not alone in this respect and there will be a lot of NT's who suffer loneliness, anxiety and depression just as much, because it isn't a society that cares very much about its' people. Being aware of that problem may help us to connect on a more meaningful level.

I thank both of you for your imput. I have seen a therapist recently in regards to my depression and it helped imensly. And I agree that I jeed to make friends, because I agree that I could easily dissapear in a city. Im not sure how to quote you guys I'm still figuring the forum out. I think I need to give myself more credit. I have made leaps and bounds in regards of this. One thing I need to keep remembering is that some of my co workers are good friends. I forget this a lot, yet when I have been in my lowest points in life they have been there. And I need to begin being their friend. Loving not just being loved. Again you guys really helped I know it is going to take work as I am only human and I will sometimes still feel lonely. I need to let my emotions happen instead of just blocking them all out. That is one thing my therapist said is to let them run their course. I was sressed and I needed to vent and just talk and you two have helped; again thank you.

Very insightful post lostproperty.

GreenPandaLord just click on the "quote" icon which appears at every post to quote it.

I'm sorry you're feeling lonely. I know how it feels, but my pets help me a lot with that now. I hope things turn out for the better.

I'd like to go back and edit it as it's a bit of an unfocused ramble in parts, but the crux of the post - which is also a reminder to myself - is "Don't run away from yourself. Feel the pain to heal the pain".

Curiously, we are encouraged to do just that when somebody close to us dies, you're expected and encouraged to go through a grieving process and eventually come out the other side of it. Nobody tells you in that situation to just forget about it, to get out there, meet new people and have a good time. There's much more understanding, sympathy and patience when it comes to depression born out of a bereavement. And when you do come out of it, you're allowed to dip back into it again. Nobody would say, "Oh for god's sake, you're not still thinking about that person that died again are you? It's time you got over that. Stop being so miserable."

But for some reason we're not supposed to feel depressed about having had a difficult childhood, being bullied at school, missing out on teenage relationships, the state of the world, the threat of war etc. We're expected to just let those things go and get on with it. So we live in a society where everybody is under pressure to put on a brave face, smile and feign happiness. NT's are good at doing that, but it's something the majority of us Aspies probably have a great deal of difficulty with.

Thank you for your reply. You are right I have been running away from the issues hoping the pain surrounding them will just fade, but as you and my therapist said " I need to go through the grieving people ocess and let my emotions and for elings run their course instead of trying to manipulate them" I am beginning to feel better. A lot of my issues were surrounding my failings in social situations, and accepting the situations and improving from them instead of breaking down at each one will help. Thank you all again. I know with time that I will feel a lot better.