I can't

Post Reply New Topic

I cannot commit suicide....too many people may be upset and may not reach my 'full potential' don't even know what that is....just know I have had it in me before to end it, so rather sure it has not completely gone away. But how do I live with the failure of life I am and the fact I can't do anything useful for anything? I mean where does it end....seems I suck at anything I try, suck at anything I try to learn about and just generally suck....there is always someone who knows more, has more skill and can mock me as the 'ret*d' so IDK.

It would just be nice to once be treated as a real person outside of friends(who dare venture past only having a relatinship with my brother) and close family acknowledge that sometimes I have things to say and know what I am on about.

And to make it worse my aunt is a b*tch making up rumors of my dad 'being on meth' you know he talked to me about it, explained hes' taken it here and there to stay awake for construction/painting jobs and on rare occasions has taken it to get high....I have no interest in it and he's never once tried to convince me to try it, because he respects that I don't do that...thing is I could care less if he smokes some of that off on his own he doesn't do it around me. But my stupid drama causing aunt has to go try and stir the pot...I'd almost smoke the sh*t to spite them, but I am smarter than that, I know what would happen if I did that which is why I haven't touched the stuff.

I feel you on the first part. its the same for me

hugs

You come across as rather smart in your posts. Don't let people tell you otherwise. Some of us may not be smart at A and B but are superior to them at C and D.

Ignore your aunt.Don't give her the attention she craves.

Hugs from me too.

You know, I had this rather annoying mother once, who seriously over-crossed the line at some point as far as I was concerned, then I simply stopped talking to her altogether and even went off on my own for several years & completely boycotted all contact for over seven years in a row (I did not regret a single moment of that either), and I no longer called her mom, because I went off living like more of an orphan, something I clearly had preferred over having any kind of abusive parental-unit figure. I am not going to go into the full story but clearly you are not the only one in the world who experiences the same or similar kinds of frustrations with so-called family members. Why don't we all just make a decision to gather together, like a bunch of us orphans coming together, and form our own family instead!? (Especially if it involves plenty of imoutos for me to adopt & be able to hug every day ! )

I wish I could say the same. The only thing that stopped me from committing suicide every time I considered it was pure cowardice. I didn't worry one bit about how it might affect others, though I expected they'd have more of a reason to be happy to get rid of me than anything else.

Dangerous drugs suck, of that much I'm quite sure. Thing is, that stuff can only affect one individual at a time. Stigmatizing & deriding people over their pasts in some sense adds up to something unhealthier than any one person can do. Even when there's a valid point to be made, muck raking gossip is still a waste of air. Don't confuse one divisive windbag dragging everyone down with your own doubts.

No idea what my real potential is, only that people get impatient when they're not sure either. Like now, when due to the extremely demanding nature of the work I happen not to suck at, I'm painting a house and staying high most of the time. My technical work already imparted your first paragraph on me, although I'm pretty sure the only necessary trick is not to let the strife, animosity and competition errode ones' psyche until social life finally resumes. Just remember to be even more patient with others than yourself, the smarter ones will view that as a sign that you're more capable than perhaps even your own recollections suggest.

That said, it's a work in progress for me too. Time for me to pack a bowl and paint some siding.

I used to have suicidal plans, and I cancelled mostly because I could not figure out what would happen to me as a result. I was worried I would fail the attempt and become even worse. Even if I had succeeded, I could never know what would happen to my consciousness. It didn't really concern me that my family would miss me, because life was nothing but pain from my point of view, and no one that I knew could help me. Most of the time, no one cares about what I talk about.

All I wanted was acceptance from others, but I rarely get that, and it doesn't last long. I am rarely good for anything to others. I somehow learned to accept that by distracting myself from that concept. But, I still suffer from that a lot, especially while I'm not distracting myself. Sometimes I feel like maybe I will be accepted by someone, but it doesn't happen, because I'm extremely isolated and fearful of rejection. I'm too afraid to even try, and when I do try, I fail and become extremely depressed. Anxiety is not the only problem, it's also being unaware of how to fix the problem. When I speak to people, they write me off.

I had to force myself to distract my mind by watching shows, playing video games, reading... anything that can get you to stop thinking about these problems if you cannot solve them no matter what you try. Just do the best you can, and if you cannot solve the problem, then get your thoughts away from it with distraction. If you have Anhedonia like I did, it won't be easy at first, and you'll have to force yourself, but for me it was like all my problems disappeared during the times I was distracted.

The problem never was fixed, but I cannot do anything about it unless I want to put my very fragile ego at risk, which I have been trying to do anyway, and results in relatively short lived depression in comparison to my past. At least I have my distractions to live for, and it may seem bleak, but for me, it's better than nothing good at all, or something worse. When I stop distracting myself, in my thoughts I start hoping, and as a result I suffer.

sweetleaf, you help other people on WP, so that makes you useful. i'm glad to know you.

I can relate to a lot of what you're saying. It just like there has been a black cloud hanging over me and my family my entire life, nothing ever works out the way it should even when I try my hardest and have the purest intentions, I never feel like I can trust anything and expect the worst. I don't know how I feel about things any more, I'm not the same person I was when I was 20, I'm not the same person I was even last year. Your priorities change, what were red lines before aren't so red and deadlines you set for yourself pass and go. I dunno, probably good to get at least a few swings off before I go since its not like the other alternative of doing nothing ends any less painful.

As for your dad, first and foremost you're grown and can associate with who ever you want obviously but beyond that it's not right to abandon family because they're sick or have some personal failing. I know someone who works with CPS and has to make the decision whether or not take someone's kids away every day and the philosophy she takes into it is that having a parents with substance abuse issues is better than none at all. You only get one family, we don't get to pick, and back against the wall that's all most of us got if we're lucky to have anyone at all. Maybe this isn't the way families work any more, my extended family doesn't really have much with mine at all any more.

It seems like just have to get use to trying and failing over and over and over again and not even succeeding but just finding value in that struggle. I don't know how NTs do it, it's hard not feeling weak when you struggle at things came naturally to them as children and its not as if we're the only people with problems either which we all have to deal with on top of everything else. You basically have to go against all your instincts and surrender yourself to the system that you've grown to resent your entire life and relinquish a certain amount of control over your life, if you want to function in society you don't really have a choice. Easy when disassociate from it and think rationally, not so easy in practice. It's hard when there's no guaranteed pay off, odds on there won't be one at all. I don't know what to say about that, it bugs me too. I guess I can see the purpose some people find with religion, I honestly wish I did have faith like that.

Ms. Leaf,

I am amazed at how much you seem to have grown in the last few years. The first posts of yours that I remember reading seemed to be submitted by a self-centered little girl who considered only her own problems as important.

But the words "too many people may be upset" tells me that you care about your family, and what effects your actions may have on them. This shows maturity. You seem to be growing into your potential - slowly, but still growing.

Both your dad and you aunt seem to be holding you back. Is there any possibility at all that you could move out of there and get away from that situation? I don't know what advice I can give you other than that.

Good luck,

Fnord

I'm sorry Sweetleaf. I never knew what my potential was either. I don't have any of the stereotyped Aspie strengths/skills/talents & I don't feel like I'm that good with anything else either. Instead of dwelling on that I try to stay focused with more pleasant things like computer, music, TV, & my girlfriend. I may never find my true potential but it doesn't really matter to me nowadays sense I'm happy with other things. Try to find something that your interested in that can cheer you up. I really hope you feel better soon.

Sounds like you're surrounded by craziness in your family. Dont let your family keep you from keeping it together.

My dad tried to commit suicide after we had an argument, but was unsuccessful. He ended up on life support for several days and came out of it just fine. He still talks about doing it - holding the threat over our heads as a way to get us to give him even more attention I suppose. He's a narcissist; cares about nobody but himself. He left no note so if he had actually died I would have had the guilt the rest if my life thinking if only we hadn't had that argument then he wouldn't have done "it". Being brought up Catholic I was so shocked and traumatized by what happened that all I did day in and day out was stay at home avoiding everyone and shopped continuously to keep my mind off of what happened and ended up maxing out my credit card by $15,000 (still paying on that btw.) I went through all the feelings - shock, embarrassment, anger, resentment and I finally had to forgive him for my own sanity. But I will never forget what he did. He never apologized for what he put us through or even gave an explanation - we were just supposed to accept it and move on like nothing happened - but it did happen and our relationship will never be the same. I have no sympathy or empathy for people who decide to do what he did - after all, he had none for us. Sometimes I think the other side needs to be told from the people left behind.

I'm sorry you're going through this, Angela....and the debt!

Not a good dad--to say the least!