A Typical Woe-Is-Me Post - I Feel Ugly and I Can't Ignore It

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I doubt this post is going to be radically different from anything you've ever read before, but I'll try to at least make it entertaining for you.

Okay, so I'm going to be 19 on Friday, and I'm your typical case of 'depression-ridden Aspie virgin, never been in a relationship, never kissed a girl'. I've been attending university, but I haven't really cultivated any friendships yet, and I'd say that's due to my lack of confidence.

Now don't get me wrong, should body jumping become a thing, I'll be able to take the world by storm, but as it stands, I'm having an extremely hard time coming to terms with my appearance. You see, on top of my awkward demeanour (shout out to Asperger's Syndrome), life has bestowed upon me an up-turned pig nose (see my profile picture), a turned eye (which I've learned how to mask in photos), and not the best body shape/fat storage pattern (which is difficult to learn how to counteract when weight loss and muscle building sites seem to love contradicting each other).

So I'll admit, I'm not the worst looking guy on the planet, but I certainly don't have the girls up the back discussing how attractive I am after class. In terms of my appearance, I'd give myself a 3, maybe on good days a 4 out of 10, and it hurts like hell to feel below average in a category as personal as looks. Perhaps it's a bratty desire, but I want girls to look at me and think to themselves 'well, he's attractive', but seeing as I don't have that effect on any girl I'd be interested in (and no, my standards aren't freakishly high), I can't help but feel a deep-seated sense of sadness and hopelessness.

Now, before you're all at my throats telling me to accessorize, stylize, and any other kinds of relevant -ize, I'll have to stop you, saying been there, done that. I realised about 6 months ago that it was time to step up my style game, so I started being more conscious of the colours that best compliment me, in the development of my own personal style. As well as that, I decided to take more control over my hair, buying hair gel to keep things in place. All in all, now I rarely leave the house without my hair styled, some jeans and a fresh-looking shirt or jacket. Do I feel more confident? Generally yes, but my aforementioned insecurities don't want to be ignored.

And here we come to the gym. I actually have a gym membership already, despite not having been to the place in a few months. My work-outs were helping me build muscle on my arms and legs, but the results on my belly were unsubstantial, and I realised I didn't know what I was doing, and I didn't know how to know what I was doing, so I guess that's why I haven't spent much time there lately. Plus, I didn't know what the hell I should be eating and in what portion sizes, so that made it difficult not to relapse on my diet, or to even have a diet at all.

So if it's not bad enough that pretty much everyone I know and their brother's had a relationship, let's talk about my younger brother. And just to make it extra clear, because this is absolutely freaking pathetic on my part, he's my YOUNGER brother. Not only does he have a vivid history of relationships, and girls who are interested in him, at 17 years of age, he's engaged with a child on the way.

So again, he's younger than me, he's been in many, many relationships whereas I've had none, he's had sex before me, I mean, how am I possibly meant to not feel like crap?

So yeah, I feel ugly, I don't know how to make myself attractive without parting with a crap-ton of money I don't have, I can't ignore it, how am I meant to deal with feeling unattractive, and unwanted by the opposite sex? And how can I feel happy? Am I a hopeless cause?

Are you a hopeless cause? Take it from someone who is probably convinced that he is one, when I say that it boils down to your attitude more than what good or bad looks life has bestowed you with.

I'm trying to overcome my insecurities just as you are, and I think over time I've learnt a few things. Firstly, beauty is subjective. There are no absolutes when it comes to physical attractiveness. What one considers an ugly feature may be considered very attractive by someone else. Don't be fooled into thinking that you have no chance with women unless you look like someone on the cover of Men's Health.

Another thing that I have come to realise after many interactions with mean people, bullies who enjoy demoralizing a person, is that yes people like that do exist, but that shouldn't make one believe that all people are like that. That's where I went wrong, I lost confidence that there are people out there who will be good to me no matter how I look, now matter what my bank balance or social status. If you begin to feel like you have no chance based on the behaviour of a few people, who base their opinion on you solely on the shape of your nose or waistline, then you're gonna fall into the same trap I did. The trap where you don't believe that you are good enough for someone.

You don't need every woman in the world to be impressed by your looks. And not every woman will be, and that goes not just for you and me, but for Brad Pitt as well.

Most of my negative interactions with people in many ways did not reduce the confidence in myself, instead it reduced my confidence in believing that there are people out there who will like me just as I am. Sometimes we feel we need to eradicate flaws to be worthy of love, but that's impossible. Perhaps accepting ourselves as we are and accepting that there are people out there who will like us as we are, is the main area we need to work on.

There are women out there who would not find either of us ugly, but if we feel we are ugly and thus never put ourselves out there, then in what way is that different from being rejected?

I know I have a deep rooted fear of rejection, but rejection doesn't have to equate to... because one person didn't like me now I'm not good enough for anyone.

So long story short, if you give yourself a chance someone out there will do the same.

Well firstly, thanks for the response. I know that attitude has its role here, and as a matter of fact, I've noticed a slow but steady improvement in mine up until this point.

You're right, beauty is completely subjective. In the eyes of the beholder so-to-speak. But whilst there are no absolutes, there's no denying there are natural preferences in features, engrained in us biologically and intensified by media and pop culture. Of course there are outliers and fetishists who find conventionally unattractive features to be attractive, but not only are they not extremely common and forthcoming, but there's also the fact that I might not be interested in them to be considered too. Therefore, my options are much more limited than they would be if I wasn't as flawed as I am.

When I was 14/15, I used to think that all I wanted was a romantic relationship with a girl, but I started talking to a girl romantically (via text, we never met up, and that situation soon died), and we got into a discussion about looks, where I complimented her, and despite her seemingly wanting to compliment me back, she drew a blank. She then proceeded to tell me that she didn't care about looks at all, and in all honestly, that really killed it for me. I guess I want to feel valued for both my looks and personality, and if a prospective romantic partner doesn't have standards in either of those areas, I don't get whatever validation I'm craving, so it sours the whole thing for me.

I don't know, I just feel like getting myself out there now would be a mistake. I just really don't see any good coming out of it. The fact is that even if a girl said she thought I was attractive, I'd be sketching her out something serious. I'd immediately think she was lying or had an ulterior motive or something.

I guess a lot of it's just mental, but it's not easy to fix unfortunately, and I don't know how to go about it.

If you have an anxious personality that often perceives a worst case scenario from most situations then yes, it will take a lot of work to get out of that mindset. Sometimes our flaws further intensify our fear of negative consequences because we have personified our looks as a legitimate reason to expect rejection, humiliation etc.

Ask yourself though, if you looked exactly like you wanted to would you still have the guts to go up to a woman and tell her how you felt about her without the fear of some cataclysmic event resulting... well for me the answer would be "no".

It seems like we're both in a difficult situation since we're expecting to be rejected but if someone doesn't reject us then we get kinda paranoid as to why. I know why one would like to feel beautiful or handsome but perhaps we have a deep rooted desire to know we're just as good as those people who are considered beautiful. Maybe it's not really down to looks but down to wanting to know we're just as good as them, and if it was some other characteristic that pop culture focused on, then that would become the area we would focus on?

Perhaps it's all down to poor feelings about ourselves rather than about our looks? I don't know...
Either way it's gonna take work on our part to overcome it. I'm torn between wanting to fix it and just not bothering to find a way past this seemingly impenetrable barrier. I wish I could just make up my mind sometimes.

I'd say my anxiety levels are relatively average in most situations. Yeah, I don't think it's so much that I look at the worst case scenario, but more so that I don't see anything good coming from trying. Like, I'd go for it if I thought there was a reasonable possibility of something good coming out, but I feel like the odds are more like a million to one, and I'd prefer not to shatter my self-esteem any further. That's why I want to make myself more attractive - So I'm able to face these kinds of things with more confidence, and not feel like it's all over before it even begins. I think feeling good about my looks would make my self-esteem less fragile, so I'd be more able to handle some rejections, but as it stands, the risk vs reward isn't favourable. In addition, I'd much prefer to be in a position where I am reasonably happy with myself before I go pursuing love, because like they say, you need to love yourself before you can love anyone else.

If I looked the way I wanted, I would definitely be able to approach women. As a matter of fact, I've done so in the past. All approaches were met with rejection, but at the time, I laughed it off.

Yeah, I think I do have a deep-rooted desire to feel "normal", and worth other people's time. Heck, I wanna be worth my own time. I mean, mentally, I almost love being me. I have a sharp wit, I'm creative and I'd say I'm pretty intelligent. My overly analytical side gets the better of me sometimes, but other than that, my brain works like a charm. But I think I'd be a much better person, to others and to myself, if I was satisfied with my exterior aspects. I think I'd care more about everything if I thought I was worth it.

Mmm, I totally get where you're coming from with the temperamental complacency. It's hard rectifying an issue when you don't know what can be done, realistically, and whether the desired outcome is even in reach.