My parents were in their late 20's when they had me. I was a bit of an eccentric person when I was younger because it was at this time that I did not know I had Aspergers. I was also a bit of a physical bully when I was very young because I did take part in bullying other people, especially hitting other girls. There was this one time I stole sausages from another bully (This boy was Italian, large and plump for his age) and he began to fight me. The fight more or less escalated when I brought out a pencil and stabbed his shin that he was left writhing in pain. My parents then sent me to an International School with a British curriculum later on, and I would often exhibit the violent behaviors when I was younger, and I usually embarrassed my parents in various situations that other parents complained/scolded them for my wrongdoings.
I would then be beaten up black and blue for it, verbally abused at for it and even mentally abused because of it. These violent tendencies eventually subsided, because as I aged, I matured. I recall there was this one time a bully in my new school would often pick on me, and so when he confronted me I tore his shirt and ripped off the buttons, and he went away crying in pain. I would display a lack of skills in certain situations, and I was often inattentive, which often drew the irritation of some of my teachers. There was this one time I would go off tangent (When I was a lot younger) and my father would constantly berate me for being inattentive, as if he was mentally beating me down rather than helping me build me up for it. I recall when I was younger, I'd often bite people too. This too was a trait that I was beaten black and blue for, often even scolded severely for it. Whenever I was excluded from friendship groups for whatever reason, I'd often get violent and exhibit my frustration on them. People often bullied me severely, and I felt like I was never truly fitting in school because I had these tendencies, I was constantly being bullied and picked on for being very different, people often picked on me for who I was, I too had a weight problem, people also accused me for doing things I had nothing to do with too. This was a trait that even continued into the final years of my schooling; That I never really truly fit in with school. Because I was so different from everybody else, because I wanted to do things that nobody else wanted to do. I remember one time I was constantly looking at other people at one time, and when I was very young one girl told me "STOP LOOKING AT US OR ELSE I AM TELLING YOU OFF!" Stuff like that more or less.
In my school, teachers were constantly concerned about me. When I was young (Around 6-7 years), I had a female peer tutor who would verbally and mentally abuse me at the chance; Whatever little mistake that I made, she would openly humiliate me for it; I know that my Aspergers more or less makes it difficult to properly comprehend people's instructions, but there was this one time I forgot to give it to the correct person and I lied about it because I didn't know what else to do; She publicly humiliated me for lying in front of the whole class, and when I was in the hospital following an illness, she told me "It was good riddance". I know it's hard for me to sometimes follow people's instructions and comprehend them, but this teacher would publicly humiliate me whenever I couldn't comprehend her properly and it seemed she liked to target me constantly. I was always crying because of it, and I guess it's part of the reason I think find it difficult to get into meaningful relationships with women my age; This experience was such a traumatic one for me. Fortunately, the teacher got fired and was never seen ever again.
Even as an Asperger I faced my difficulties; I'd often pick fights with other students, I'd often be extremely disrespectful to staff members and say nasty/horrible things about them, but I know that as myself I do have my moments of unpredictability. Months after months of my parents fighting with the school that I am on special needs and they needed to understand that, the school made no efforts whatsoever to understand my situation. I don't know if it's a British thing to assume this god complex and treat everyone else's perspective as stupid, but this is a vibe that I got.
A senior teacher (Mind you a graduate of Harvard's School of Education and presently a music teacher) told my parents that they ought to put me into a vocational school. There was no reason behind that whatsoever. After I dropped doing the Duke of Edinburgh at my school, my head of year made such a massive complication; She told me that doing IB would help prepare me for the International Baccalaureate. She'd continually harass my mother about it time and time again. Then at our consultations, she told me that I couldn't do the International Baccalaureate and that she ought to start searching for other schools to put me into. My own English teacher, after I forgot my book numerous times. Simply refused to talk to me. Mind you, all of the teachers at my school are British. I tried to ask him something then he said "Nope, I'm not talking to you" multiple times. Until I did bring my book and he said "Good, now I'm talking to you" with a stupid grin. I did have my share of academic struggles because I struggled to find myself and know who I truly am. I initially wanted to become an Aerospace Engineer after graduating from high school, but the teachers complicated that entire situation for me, held a meeting against my own back telling me how to get rid of this aspiration I had. My own Physics teacher told me that I should stop thinking like this and simply pursue a specialization in Engineering for graduate school. Who does he think he is? He has the nerve to tell me that when he only has a degree in Astrophysics and a PGCE. The absolute nerve. I admit it; I brought it on myself for doing extremely difficult subjects and that was on me. Pardon my informality, but I was done tolerating that BS. That my own schoolteachers made no effort to understand me whatsoever, and subjected me to a lot of rough and abhorrent behaviors because of me being an Asperger, and because of me being different than everyone else.
Now my parents also did their share of abuse; After I was diagnosed Asperger's at the age of 10, again my parents made no effort to understand me whatsoever. My father thought that Aspergers only affected social skills and continued to use that narrow-minded complexity and rub that fact against my face over and over again. My father also is a large contributor to my abuse, so like my parents. I admit that there are a lot of things about myself that are impaired, but my father would restort to physical abuse whenever he felt I didn't listen to him. After struggling academically, he continued his abusive advances at me; Physically abusing me at the chance, Verbally abusing me whenever. He became a diabetic around the time I was 14, and his mind has been fried up a little bit too; I have a dad who often goes out partying with his business partners until 3am, often escorts them to local brothels, and half the time gets drunk and happily admits his escapades. He disapproves of everything I do, thinks that I'm not work it or anything, and he even lies to me. He took it as a big insult when I chose to not stay in Bangkok and study at the university there, and spent the next few months calling people to canvas support to not send me there, even telling me it's an "Asian thing" to do so. Harassment, Physical and Verbal Abuse, all for one lousy f*****g thing. My mother would simply never shut up about things and continued to rub things in my face whenever.
I have nobody and I need someone. I've endured too much hurt in my life.
16 Aug 2015, 12:34 am
