A little cry.

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First time creating a topic here.

I know it's the same old story, but it's new for me personally. I mean, it's normal for people to feel down and such, and when I do I either reassure myself than I'm better than 'them', that my morals and intelligence will always be greater. I'll understand life more, I will see the finer things and understand the deeper. But then you realize the kind of place that 'life' is. We've heard it here before: the world is cruel, tough, unfair - we should be strong in ourselves and never give up. But to what end? I've given so many people so much advice that it's useless on me now - I've heard it all before. It's like euthenasia; why continue living where there is only pain? In the chance that it will get better? Say it does - the only place to go from there is down, back into this sad feeling - and it gets harder each time.

Overall, in my life, the bad has easily outweighed the good, but I've always stayed strong. But looking at the future, I realize how much worse it's going to get. I have SAD as well as AS, which means not only can't I communicate greatly, it means that I freak out while attempting to do so. The only place I really feel comfortable in outside of my house is Uni - but only because I've been in the school environment for most of my life (I'm 18 now). It is man's nature to want social interaction, to have fulfilling friendships, to be understood, listened to and respected - AS and SAD, also in my nature, screw this up. It's a tug of war I can't win - humans need these things so strongly, and there's nothing I can do to get it. I'm not bad socially - as I said, I think about the world alot and have the social side sorted out for situations I can deal with.

But my 'friendships' are shallow and unfulfilling - the people are nice, but our lives are incompatible. They like to go out drinking and clubbing (what normal' teenager doesn't), but I can't function in those environments, plus I don't drink. All my interactions occur at home and Uni - and it's not enough. I know the world won't change for me, and I can't change my nature, even if I wanted to (as proud as I am of myself and my achievements, sometimes I really consider taking that autism 'cure' pill that is meant to be on the horizon). I wish I could get to know these people more, I really do. But then I think about friendships, my past friendships. I obeyed all the rules of being a friend (because in the end, they are 'rules'), I was funny, kind, but not weak or passive - and certainly no person to walk over. And I realize how scummy people are too - they use, they lie, they're horribly selfish - thing I stay far away from, usually getting screwed over in the process (but even then I seriously have my doubts these thoughts are completely true, but more mental justifications and defences for my lack of social ability - demonise them and such).

AS really is a curse. It's not the next step in human evolution, its not some special blessing or gift. The world is predominantly a social one - an area we bomb out in. Sure we get intelligence, but all that leads to is more of a self-awareness and understanding of the s**t position we are in. Extremely bad tradeoff. In being smart I am very conscious of the hopelessness of my situation and how much the world sucks - compounded by my inability to do anything important about it. I can't hold onto some false hope because my logic pulls it apart instantly.

I've thought about all of this for the longest time - I know it's a terrible idea to dwell on it, but it's my life, I get confronted with these things every day. People having fun in their groups, people exchanging numbers to go out or see eachother over the holidays. All I have is a small, restrictive routine that only extends to home and Uni - anything else I can't function in. What can I do? I can't alter my genes. Medication perhaps? I don't know - I always though a person could deal with their own problems without artificial help - that it's a weakness. But right now, I think anything would be better than this reality.

But now I'm overwhelmed and feeling down far more than up, and it's gettign more frequent the older I get. My life is so unfulfilling and difficult. I'm not sure why I'm posting this, I don't expect any 'help;. It feels a bit better getting it out of my mind and into the physical world though. Thanks for reading. At least some people understand on a personal level here.

I'm not sure which SAD you have: SAD
I had only heard of the first one, but you don't appear to be describing that one, so I will not make any presumptions.
What I will say is that I have gone through the cycle of trying to make friends and then not caring whether I have any many times and still don't have many and still don't let it get to me. I have 20 years on you, and the 2 best things that have helped me cope in the last few years were:
1) finding out about AS and how to know where the pitfalls are, and
2) studying Zen meditation.

While I will be the last person to try to influence anyone's personal belief system, Zen meditation and yoga (and exercise) have helped me in many ways, primarily in dealing with depression and loneliness. Zen was just a natural for me; it's how I've always viewed the world, but there are other types of meditating, too.

Thanks for the comment, I'll read into it tomorrow. I have Social Anxiety Disorder.

I have down times, but ultimatly life is great, the universe is cool, I dont like humans and I could not care less for people, so it does not bother me if I have friends or not, I only do my own thing. We are born alone and we are gonna die alone, I am living alone, I travel, do art, which is actually me making fun of the human race and its stupidity. People suffer because all they worry about is other people, but theres so much more to life than humans, if you can find something to enthrall you, you will at least have had an interesting time on this actually gorgeous planet.

I'm doubtful this will make sense to you, but just in case...

You are very young. There's still so much that you have to see and do and encounter that you cannot even imagine now. Things will change, with time. Some of the change will be good, some not so good. Some will just be change. Don't fight it, don't force it. Just think of it as an ocean wave - you can allow it to carry you onward - you can surf it , if you like - but if you fight it you will tire and you will drown.

You don't have to hope for a happy future, just don't dwell on the past. Live in the moment. Take one moment at a time. Stop worrying over what other people think, or what you think they should be like. If you can, try to not think of what they've done to you, or didn't do for you that you needed. You can't change that. It's already gone by. You can't change who and/or what they are. You can choose to not let them pull you down. That part is up to you.

Your perception of things in life will change, with time. Allow yourself to just "be" and give it a little while. Yes SAD (not seasonal affective) is tough. Grueling might be a better term. Being an Aspie an a NT world can be misery. But that's what is and that's what life will be. Throw them in on top of the normal highs and lows of a young person and it can feel like you've been shredded to bits are are all raw and bleeding.

But it will change, as you learn to cope. And you will learn. Just give it time.

I've had a little cry recently, but I'm not sure if you would know what I was talking about. Sorry.