My head gets so messy once in a while...

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I really don't know in which subforum to put this.. (I'm quite new at this forum.)
I got diagnosed with autism (DSM-5) a few weeks ago and since then everything became so much more clear. I'm so sorry I just type whatever comes up to my mind right now, because I'm feeling quite chaotic. Normally it's easier for me to give a nice structured story.
I've been living by myself for 4 years now (I'm 23), and I have no contact with any of my family anymore (only with 1 sibling, who lives 1,5 hours traveling away from here). The other person I can really count on is my best friend who lives 2 hours travelling away from here. I'm feeling very lonely. I study and 'see' (literally see..) people but normally I don't have any face to face human interaction.
I'm a very traumatized person because of my past with family and (boy)friends. I'm having a really hard time to take care of myself when I'm even just a bit stressed out. I have panic attacks and can cry uncontrollably. Because I only have one best friend that I truly trust, he is the only one I can share it with and I feel like I'm a burden to him sometimes. I know I can be irrational at those times, but it still happens and I feel so super incredibly lonely at those moments. The thing is that I don't feel much for doing things with people I don't trust a lot, because I feel like I have to fake a lot of social interaction, which also costs energy.
The reason why my head is so messy right now, is because today and tomorrow I'm having a super long day. Today I already skipped more than half of it, and tomorrow I still don't know how to cope with it. The main concern I have is eating: preparing and eating food at the right times and taking care of myself have been big problems to me and to know that tomorrow I'm not able to eat at home for the whole day makes me feel anxious. The good thing is that tomorrow I go to my new psychologist (at a specialized centre for autism), so that is good.
But.. I don't know. My head can be so messy and all my little 'rules' and stuff get so much worse when I'm stressed out. I don't know how to get my head clear. I feel so lonely. I'm so lucky to have my best friend... Before I knew hem I was totally on my own and I even took an overdose one time because I couldn't handle it anymore.
Okay this sounds all really serious but... My head is messy (in case you didn't notice...)
I'm sorry and I hope that I don't bother anyone...

I'm sorry you're feeling this way.

What I would do about food: get microwaveables to start. Then, when you feel less overwhelmed, you can start cooking things, starting with pasta (which only requires you boil water and put the pasta in for 10 minutes, stirring at first).

Sounds like you're in college/Uni. Congratulations. What is your major?

Just know that you're not alone here on WrongPlanet.

Good luck with your meeting with your therapist.

Thanks kraftiekortie.
The food-making is not the problem so much. I plan when to cook and I cook more than I need so I can use the other half on another day. But to eat it I need a microwave and when I'm not at home that is not an option.
It's a planning/structure problem I guess... Always messes me up.
I'm in my last year of university now, but because of all the stuf I've been going through I feel quite older and more experienced than the 'average' student I see around me.

You don't have a microwave in your room?

If you or your parents could come up with $50, you could get a decent microwave.

Yes i do have a microwave! But sometimes i have to be in school all day from morning to evening and then i dont have one..
And i dont have contact with my parents so the 50 bucks would be difficult haha...

Right now i also feel so stressed because i will have a lesson in less than 20 minutes and tomorrow i might skip another lesson again because of the stress... Going there causes stress, but not going also. Why is this so diddicult in my head. Why cant i just think straight and not experience all these normal little things as a huge weight on my shoulders.

Hi, wannabeprincess! I'm new too, and very happy that I joined. I hope that connecting with people on this forum will help you. It's rather a relief to see people struggling with the same problems and actually sharing solutions.

Maybe your new psychologist knows how to set you up with services at the university, to make the experience easier on you?

If energy levels are a problem, maybe boil eggs and take with you, and make this: http://www.mynewroots.org/site/2013/02/ ... -of-bread/ ? Tell me if I misunderstood your problem.

I guess you have a lot of problems and that you need to start somewhere, but that is always easier if you are eating well.

Yeah...should have thought of that. Make sandwiches, and bring them with you.

Ohhh that bread recipe looks great. I have a weird relationship with 'normal' bread, so taking sandwiches is not that easy for me. It can be a real struggle for me to actually eat it. But this bread looks different of structure so I might like it much better.
Thanks for the replies by the way. I'm happy I'm not the only one dealing with autism in general.

This evening I had a lesson with my teacher. I study music, so it is a very abstract study which makes it quite difficult...
I started the lesson with an empty head and the teacher gave some information, which was fine. But then he started saying things that I didn't understand, and it felt like for every question I asked, he gave an answer which opened even more 'doors' in my head with more knowledge and information, which resulted in me asking another question. And that for 1 hour.. In the end I just feel like I should forget everything he said, just feel like the lesson never happened, because it doesn't make sense in my head anyway and he is never going to understand it. It is frustrating. Very frustrating.

I'm actually gluten-free, and I can't stand normal bread. To quote the Tenth Doctor: "My head has too much stuff in it! I need another head!" I often feel like I've got too much in my head too, especially after school. When I was in Grade 11, one of my teachers was ridiculously strict and critical, so I ended up not paying much attention whenever she started talking. I still passed, but that class was horrible to be in. Weirdly, I took Co-op the same semester, and it didn't feel like work at all! I genuinely enjoyed it!

I suspected that, when I saw you were so focused on food....... I am like that too. Had a lot of vague health problems and minimal energy for years. Then I went gluten free, just like Kuraudo, and the fog lifted, got lots of more energy, and realized how much pain I'd been in. It might be worth looking into.

This blog, http://www.latartinegourmande.com/, has a lot of very good and easy to follow recipes, most are gluten free.



Are you playing an instrument? Do you need to understand everything immediately? In my experience, teachers in the arts are not always aware themselves how they really work, so they make up something that sounds plausible. Maybe you could observe what he does? Assuming you are not doing composition or something

My eating habits have never been so well, especially because my mother didn't pay attention to it. So I've not been eating bread for 8 years when I was in high school and I was underweight all that time but didn't know it. I didn't eat lunch for all those years, so I just went through the day, only eating a snickers and a kitkat or something.
Now my weight has been good for 2 years but it can be a struggle. When I'm stressed, my eating habit is the first thing that suffers from it, because it is a kind of structure that doesn't feel natural to me. I'm not really struggling with it anymore that much, but if I don't pay attention, it becomes a problem again.
I'm eating sugar-free (no-added-sugar) at the moment for two weeks now, and it works really good. I have much more energy and it is also in some ways easier to choose food from the supermarket, because options are way more limited. I feel less overwhelmed when it comes to anything food concerned. I do groceryshopping once a week now and at the start of the week I write down what I will eat for dinner every day. This helps already a lot.

About my study: yes, I do play an instrument. It is possible to do what my teacher does and copy that. I will never be able to achieve this kind of creativeness from myself. I should learn to accept that. It is just that my teacher starts to say things that don't seem 'right' and I try to make a clear and correct story of everything inside my head. So that causes some problems. Today he told me to 'shut up' and 'don't be stubborn'. It is frustrating. I wanted to cry after the lesson, because I feel like I cannot ask questions. And the moment I do ask questions, I already know they will perceive it as me just being stubborn and not wanting to cooperate, but it is just me, being confused because of all the knowledge and reasons and thoughts that start to go through my mind in a chaotic manner.

Tonight I have just been watching TV and lying on the couch and now I feel already better. I decided to skip class tomorrow afternoon to build in some 'extra time'.
I really can't believe I used to study for days after eachother from 10 in the morning to 10 in the evening, or when I was in high school I could concentrate for 6 hours in a row. Now my concentration is only 20 minutes, and I can hardly do more than being one part of the day outside of my home (for example only the morning, or only afternoon or only the evening).
Why did I become like this? When did this happen?
I was not aware of this before? So I just went on like everything was fine?
Or did it become worse, because I can hardly imagine me doing all those things in 1 day now and not being stressed.

So many thoughts. I actually had way more thoughts before when I didn't use medication for that a couple of years ago. I really don't know how I managed that... If I would go without medication now, I'm sure I couldn't handle it anymore.
How does that work? Do those things become worse or do I get used to not-being-able-to-do-it?

Something tells me you were a child prodigy. Were you excellent in music when you were a child?

You know, princess, this is all very new to you. I was thinking about AS for half a year before I joined this forum. Dealing with a new diagnosis can be a harrowing thing. Be patient with yourself.

People can have a lot of stereotyped ideas of what people with AS can and cannot do, even psychologists. Why don̈́'t you work on getting your life in order and then see about what you can and cannot do once you're in a happier place?

The short attention span can have several causes, I really would not care to speculate on it. I think this is really something you should discuss with your psychologist. It's really great that you are going to see someone who actually specializes in autism. Maybe Kraftiekortie has some ideas?

If you have been playing an instrument for many years, you must have had a teacher who was able to communicate with you? What did that person do? Is it possible to tell your new teacher what works for you?

Yes.. why...?

I never really understood my music teachers. Only maybe the ones when I was a child.
Today I went to my new psychologist and I feel very relieved. They really seem to understand autism; the difficulties but also the nice things that come with autism. I feel like a new chapter is starting and I will finally get the proper help after all those years. I also discussed this problem with my teacher and they understood and will help me to figure this out in a very nice way.
My concentration problems maybe also have to do with a physical disorder I have, so it is quite hard to figure out what the actual source of this problem is. But I guess when I start this new therapy with my psychologist everything will be more clear and there will be hopefully more space in my head for concentrating and nice things!
Thank you all for all the replies. It feels good to know there are others out there..

Because it's evident that you have a special talent--and that it needs to be harnessed properly.