Fantasizing about self-destruction as revenge.

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This is one of the most pointless fantasies imaginable.

It involves going back in time to incidents where other people have seriously traumatized me, and then committing suicide shortly afterwards in the kind of petty way where I state outright that my blood is on the hands of those people.

These fantasies can become quite overwhelming once I get into that depressive and resentful spot. Snapping out of it is pretty damned difficult, even though I know that staying there is not what I want to be doing.

Yes, pretty pointless, but trauma tends to work that way. Sucks.

You didn't deserve the abuse, your abusers were wrong. And you don't deserve to keep thinking about it over and over either.
When you think that stuff, don't let the movie in your mind play on its own, instead step in and protect your defenseless past self from abuse.
This might help you snapping out of it.

If you did something that caused another to commit suicide, you would feel really bad, I know this is the case because you are transposing your way of thinking onto others, you would feel bad, because you are a good person, in fact I am guessing you wouldn't do anything that warranted revenge in the first place.

The thing is, these people you are expecting to have the same sort of response as you would have, probably wont, they are not nice people and don't think the same as you, that's why they abused you in the first place.
There is probably more chance that when they saw they had caused you to commit suicide, they would laugh and insult your dead self rather than face up to something that made them feel bad about their own self image.

You wouldn't be getting revenge, you would be rewarding them. Some people are really sick like that.
They will receive your revenge in another way, at another time, and from the hands of another, don't worry.

Yes, I agree. Because ...

Your blood would not be on their hands, but only on the hands of the person who actually ended your life.

A person who commits suicide could leave a thousand-page manifesto detailing every snub, every insult, every threat, and every attack made against him since the day he was born, but in the end it is his own choice and his own actions that end his own life. Thus, the blood (literal and metaphorical) would be on his hands and his hands alone.

If anyone feels guilty for someone else's suicide, then that's their choice, too.

Exactly this. If you killed yourself they wouldn't care most likely. They may even get sick amusement out of it.

I prefer to fantasize about their blood on my hands, but to each his own I guess.

Not at all.

To blame others for one person's suicide simply makes no sense.

Case in point: Many years ago, when I was enrolled at a mid-western university, a young woman committed suicide by jumping out of a window of a vacant building. In her rambling last letter, she blamed others for "forcing" her to her end. She claimed that everyone on the Dean's List had made her feel stupid and ugly, and that if those people had only reached out to her, she would have not been "forced" to "teach them all a lesson" and "make them feel sorry" for not being nicer to her.

My name was on the Dean's List.

I had never met her, nor had I even noticed her, as she was a freshman art student and I was a junior engineering student. Most of the others on the list were in a similar way. Each of us was interrogated by the staff, the administration, and the police. We went through Hell, and not because we felt any guilt (although some of us did), but because of the interruption to our studies, the threat of legal action against us, (individually and as a group), the threats of physical violence, and the automatic presumption of guilt by everyone who knew her.

As it turned out, she had pre-existing issues with depression, and was failing in most of her classes. Instead of admitting that she needed help and asking for the help she needed, she chose to use suicide as "revenge" against people who were more successful than she.

None of us were ever charged, and most of us eventually graduated.

How can a perfect stranger possibly blame others for her actions, when most of those others are completely unaware of her existence?

I agree. This fantasy is quite pointless. The best revenge I can get would be to live, to prosper, and to build myself up higher than what any of these motherf***ers ever thought was possible.

wow... I thought I was the only one who got those... yeah... thw worst bit is when it sticks in your head for the rest fo the day.

I am coming to the conclusion that self-destruction is compulsive for me. My intellect has a complete disconnect from my gut reactions. I pull myself through the wringer quite often, and although I know I deserve better than that, I also do not know that.

KL, during the first year of your recovery, it really pays to conserve as much of your emotional energy as you can for your own healing. The disconnect between body and mind that you mention can and does heal over time, though I have never seen this in the first year of someone's recovery (that doesn't mean it's never happened of course!). One thing about having an abuse history which is not yet fully healed, together with having grown up in a hostile abusive environment (especially a narcissistic one) where even basic emotional needs were not met, is that in adult life later on, all disagreement and criticism can feel like a malicious personal attack - because in the family of origin, it always was, and you never received supportive guidance as a child in weighing up the validity of your own feelings and perceptions. You are at an early stage of a huge (and wonderful) learning curve that is a road many pilgrims to recovery have travelled before you; you may find their guidance the most informed at this stage about these issues.. A good, very experienced sponsor can be of immense value in helping to sort valid criticism from hostile attacks. Have you explored that option yet? I know that the layers of shame and guilt that reside in un-nurtured children can leave this legacy/belief that "I must do it all myself, including major healing, without help from others or am I vulnerable/inadequate/not ok/will be shamed/will be blamed for everything". A good sponsor understands this and can help you recalibrate these painful 'legacy' emotions and patterns of emotional response. It doesn't happen overnight, yet will happen if you progress one day at a time and always bear in mind that your recovery is more important than anything else in your life for now. Take care of you. You've waited and suffered a long time to get to this point and that in itself is a terrific achievement, a journey of tremendous importance.