Clean enough for CPS?

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It's a long story, but CPS has gotten involved in our lives because our home was too messy, and we're threatened with losing the kids if we don't keep it up to their standards.

We've been working on it, and I'd thought we were doing a good job of keeping the place presentable. I've been working on re-organizing clothes, fabric, etc and I've gotten rid of a bunch of stuff already. The people who have visited regularly have noticed how much we've improved the place.

Then this morning at 8 am, we got a surprise visit from a CPS evaluator demanding to take a look around and needing to see the children to make sure they were alive. I was still mostly asleep, and the kids and my husband were sleeping. Still, we've been keeping up the place, and while there was some straightening up that needed to be done, it was just little things from the night before that we hadn't dealt with before going to bed.

She said the place was "a mess". I was stunned. I talked to my lawyer, and apparently the CPS worker claimed there was "3-5 days worth of dirty dishes" (it was more like 3-5 HOURS worth) "dirty clothes all over the floor" (there was A towel on the floor in the bathroom) "garbage all over the floor and papers all over the couch" (the kids had been coloring and left a few papers on the floor) and a bunch of other things she had a problem with. None of that was true, it was all blatently exaggerated.

I don't know why she exaggerated like that, but my lawyer said the judge would believe her and that "CPS workers don't just make things up if there isn't a problem".

So, apparently my idea of clean HAS to change to my idea of anal-retentively neat, and we have to be ready for white-glove inspections 24/7. I'm a nervous wreck, because apparently my best just isn't good enough. I'm also anxious that in order to meet their standards, I'll have to get rid of more clothes and fabric than I'm ready to part with.

I feel like the scene in Mozart and the Whale where she throws away his shower curtain.

Through all of this, I'm trying to figure out what their standards are, and they're acting like it's all basic common sense. For example, one of their problems previously was that we had cat food on the table. It was there to be out-of-reach of the baby, and was pushed to part of the back of the table away from where we eat, so it's not like the cat food was spilling into the baby's dinner. Talking to them, it became obvious that their real problem was the idea that the cat might get on the table, so we lied and said the cat never was on the table. Now, my dad is an OCD neat freak, but growing up, the cats were always getting up on the counters and the table, and I never saw anything wrong with it. I still don't, but apparently it's important to keep the cats off the table and everyone is acting like it's completely obvious and I've pretended to be horrified by the idea of cats on the table to go along with it.

Also, it seems I'm obsessing about little details and not getting the big picture, and I don't even know how to look at the big picture, just whatever details catch my eye.
If we keep it up to their standards for 6 months, then CPS will get out of our lives.

I'm terrified that we'll lose the kids. I'm also very stressed out because I'm feeling like no matter how hard I try, it's not going to be good enough. Also, I don't like my surroundings to be too neat- I end up feeling like I can't touch anything because I'd mess it up. I'd be willing to do anything, no matter how horrible, to keep the kids, but I think in order for me to meet their standards, I'm going to have to center my life around cleaning. No down time for me, no fun stuff with the kids. My husband has been doing his fair share, and he seems to think we can do it, but I'm really freaking out.

Also, everyone seems to think that if I was a good mother, I'd be able to control my children. With my daughter, I can give her directions and she usually follows. With my son, he just does what he feels like, and getting him to do anything is a major struggle. I've worked on getting him to follow routines, and he's improving so much, but he's not a normal 4 year old. I can understand him, I can figure out what he wants, and I read enough paleontology books to stay a couple steps ahead of him. I just can't control him, and don't think I ever will be able to, which apparently makes me a failure as a parent.

I have no idea what you're going through, but I'm so sorry you're going through it. If it takes anal retentive standards to deal with that b***h to keep your family together, it's just something you have to do...although I would photograph, document, file a complaint with CPS (for whatever good that will do) and try your damndest to get a new case worker. Try to get your lawyer involved as much as possible with the process as well.

I'm sorry to hear that you are experiencing such problems.

You should definitely write to the CPS complaints department, or maybe somewhere like the NAS could help you. There are also soliticors that specialise in helping people with disabilities - it might be worth changing soliticors as your seems to be on the side of the CPS.

It might also be worth getting as much medical evidence of your and your family's difficulties as you can - and perhaps look at getting a CPN or social worker or getting some kind of an advocate from a local organisation or charity (or try the NAS or MIND - they have experience of helping people who are being picked on by the law because people don't understand their disability).

Regarding your son and his behavioural issues, is it worth seeing a doctor or a child / educational psychologist?

I just want to make it clear that I do not belong to the 'let's label all children with illnesses' or 'let's medicate all children' camp, but if he is really having difficulties following instructions and recognising boundaries and general behavioural issues, it sounds like this should be investigated further. Also, it must be very stressful for you too, so perhaps getting some kind of idea as to what is causing your son these behavioural issues and getting tips as to how to help him would make things easier for you too.

girl7000: CPS means something different in the US, the Child Protective Services. The CPS in England and Wales refers to the Crown Prosecution Service.

in nj its DYFS (division of youth and family services) i never was involved but when my brther had a big problem with violance as a juvinile he was taken away numerus times by them, and once (i seen a written report by my mom) they wanted me as well thinking my mom and dad were the ones at fault or unfit to have kids!! ! my parents did give a firm no to that request i cant beleive that people would assume that just beucase one kid is bad (ODD???) they think its everyone when its just the kid that is the trouble maker and blame the parents for it.

its not my parent's fault or grandmother's that my brother ran away from home, took a gun to school, did drugs and beat the living poop out of his sister(me) and was just defient of any autherative figure.

dyfs isnt really the best place to have a kid placed, all they do IS BABYSIT and not treat or fix them, one place my brother was taken to 6 flags and dorney park(amusement park in PA)

i mean how is that going to help a kid raelize that beating the poop put of people. i think if anything, i should of been the one to go to 6 flags and dorney park!! !

theres no way of teaching a kid right from wrong if they are SPOILED!! !

GET A DIGITAL CAMERA!

Get something so that the next time your case worker comes around, you can document the actual facts. In court, pictures speak louder than odious civil servants.

One tip...it always helps to know your rights.

A couple of links you may want to check.

http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/cpssafetyplan.php

http://www.fightcps.com/2005_05_08_archive.html

These CPS visits should be videotaped. Do you have a video camera or a digital camera?

From: http://www.fightcps.com/articles/whattodo.html


"Don't Invite The CPS Worker Inside - You are under no obligation to let that person into your house. Under the basic law of our land, the United States Constitution, Amendment Four, you have the right to privacy in your home. No government agent of any type is allowed to enter your home without your permission. We know of many cases where entry was coerced by statements such as "let me in or I'll take your kids". Do not give in! Do not give up your Constitutional Rights! Stand firm on this! If your rights are not honored, you can sue them later, but it is so much better to force them to honor your rights now.

The only exception would be if the CPS agent shows up with a law enforcement officer bearing a search warrant. Usually that doesn't happen -- and I will tell you why. The CPS agent is there at your door to gather evidence. Usually he doesn't have enough real evidence to detain your child right away and there is not enough "probable cause" to obtain a search warrant. Typically, he will be just working on a phoned-in tip from someone who wants to retaliate against you for something. If you talk a lot, your words will be twisted in such a way as to be used against you in court. Also if you allow this person into your home, he will most likely find something there to complain about and use against you in court. A sink with 8 dishes needing washing can show up in his report as "a sink full of dirty dishes and a filthy kitchen" which of course would serve to make you look bad to a judge. Therefore, just don't let these people into your home. You have no idea what an issue they can make out of a pile of laundry sitting next to your washing machine!"

Id agree totally!! take regular photos of your home so you can build up a case file of evidence that you keep the place habitable.

that way they cant accuse you of tidying up just for inspections.

Also, yes it may be your right not to let CPS in house, but failure to coperate WILL look bad in court.

While I was at work today, apparently my husband managed to convince CPS that I'm mentally unbalanced, violent and a danger to my kids.

I am not allowed to see them without a CPS worker supervising. He's at home with the kids while I'm sitting in a friend's basement. This will continue to be the case until I submit myself to a psychiatric evaluation so I can "get the help I need" with my depression and anger problems.

Yes, I'm depressed- my life really sucks right now, and I'm not sure when or if it will get better.

Yes, I'm angry- I don't deserve to be in this situation, I'm hurting and people keep doing things to make me hurt more.

So, I'm going in for the evaluation next week. Maybe it will lead to an actual diagnosis. Maybe this will come out okay but right now I'm freaking out.

Also, when I told my husband he won at people chess for manipulating me into this situation, he said that proved that I was paranoid.

Why is your husband doing this to you? Does he want an easy divorce and custody of the children, so he's vilifying you now in preparation for that? Is he involved with someone else? Because unless he has some underhanded motive, I don't know why he would do this unless he really were concerned for the kids.

I would really look closely into the above....

....mine I believe was looking for a "replacement" not only for himself but also for his son...nothing would have surprised me.

He's not involved with anyone else.

My dad's theory is that he's trying to drive me to suicide or the looney bin so he can sit back and live off the SSI money the kids will get. He's threatening divorce too.

He claims he just wants me to get help, but I know how manipulative he can be (he has a reputation for "people-chessing" online) and I'm just not good at knowing when he's being manipulative and when he's telling the truth.

I have an appointment to see a counselor on Monday, and he's going to take me there. I want him to tell her HIS version of what's been going on, then leave so I can talk to her. If she thinks an inpatient psychiatric evaluation would be appropriate, I'm willing to go along with it.

Oh wow this is so complicated, yet it resonates with some of the s**t I've been through. We get victimized so much more easily than NT's, and we cannot stand up for ourselves. It's a horrible vicious circle.

1. Is your "lawyer" that you mentioned yours, or yours and your husband's?

If you already have a lawyer, use that professional, unless he/she is representing the both of you. If THAT is the case, then you need your OWN lawyer.

2. You still have access to the internet whilst in the basement. Good. Keep connected to us.

3. If you sense your hubby is playing games, you are most likely correct.

What do you want? Kids and no husband? That CAN be done.
We are here for you.

(I had 3 guys deliver a fridge this morning and my house was a mess. I was embarrassed. It's not just you)

Sorry I made that mistake, but I was just trying to be helpful.

Surely it's okay for people here to make mistakes sometimes?