Have to get this off my chest...

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My SIL was with this guy until like 3 years ago. She's really very pretty, but has sort of a lukewarm personality. At the time when she was with this guy, she was smoking a lot of weed. This guy she was with smoked a lot of weed with her as well. It didn't seem so bad, because my experience with weed is that you can have your fun, but resume being functional in society once it wears off. However, SIL was complaining that he was spending too much on the weed and they had a number of fights over it. Eventually, she kicked him out and they divided up their assets without the help of any lawyers. Basically, they jointly owned a condo, but he agreed to get his name off the deed to the condo in exchange for him getting to keep the car that he used as his primary transportation.

Fast forward to 2 months ago. SIL has a new guy. This one's really nice - professional, educated, decent looking, etc. She's decided to get engaged, and wanted to put her condo on the market. Turns out, ex is still on the deed. So, DH asked his corporate lawyer to recommend a divorce lawyer to help her resolve this. They found a lawyer, and went to see him together - the lawyer wrote up a paper for ex to sign to give up his interest in the condo, and SIL was supposed to track him down and ask him to sign it. This would be the easiest and cheapest way to resolve the whole thing. Incidentally, while they were out to see the lawyer, DH and his sis went to get some lunch, and she started telling DH about how ex wasn't just smoking weed - he was pharming. His drugs of choice were Vikes and Oxy's, so he'd be falling asleep while eating, takling, working (which is why he didn't work toward the end of the relationship), and presumably other couples' activities. He was a mess.

So, SIL started calling his parents to try and get hold of him - they were nasty as hell to her. Finally, she got hold of ex, and he agreed to sign the paper. But not before this long drawn out conversation about how he's not over her. Within a couple of weeks of her contacting him and having this conversation, he was found dead of a drug overdose. This was last week. SIL was initially freaked out, because she felt like her actions maybe drove him to kill himself. However, it is not entirely clear whether the OD was intentional or not. There wasn't any note or anything, so the only way to really know is if he had an amount of Oxy in him that was so much that there was no way he could have been only trying to get high. But I am not sure that she'll ever be able to find out.

Anyway, she was thinking about going to the funeral, which took place over the weekend. But she kept making all sorts of excuses to justify not going in her mind (like school, work, dog care). As it turns out, it was a good thing that she didn't go because his parents had pictures of ex displayed prominently at the funeral, and SIL's face was cut out of them. Like they didn't even attempt to do something tasteful like maybe make a collage to attempt to mask that SIL was in the pics. They just cut her face out. They even left her dog in the pictures. Is that not completely screwed up?

Anyway, I think it is sort of funny that they'd be so petty. No one else does, so I have to keep that to myself. The only good thing to come of this is that there was some clause in the condo deed that if one person died, the other would get the condo free and clear. So, that part of it is over. It would have been messed up if she had to go through probate court with ex's parents after they mutilated photographs of her.

OK, so I got that off my chest...

drugs can really mess up people's lives...facing reality is difficult...The parents might have been trying to say something through the mutilated photo, and if so that was a pretty twisted way to express it...

I guess they blame her for his death. Maybe they think she made him want to kill himself, or maybe they think she got him into the drugs in the first place. Maybe both.

It was actually several photos. And yes, I agree that they were trying to make a statement. That's why I am glad that she ended up not going to the funeral. If they were making such a twisted statement by mutilating her picture, they could have harmed her in some way.

However, I can't help but laugh thinking about those photographs. When I was a kid (in the Czech Republic)there were several times I remember when new editions of history books were issued and people were literally cut out of the photographs that had appeared in previous editions due to history being sanitized/revised by the Communists. I guess I should tell my husband that's why I find it so damned funny - because it really isn't funny that my SIL's ex-inlaws would do something so messed up.

Not that anyone is to blame except himself. But, interestingly, there was a doctor who was prescribing Vikes and Oxy's to addicts in exchange for the addicts giving him back 25% of what he prescribed. I'm not totally sure how the whole operation worked. But this dr was a ringleader and there were like 200 people involved total, mostly on the end-user level like my SIL's ex. His trial just started today.

I happen to be following this story with this dr due to my working at a health insurance company. Because I am friends with the two ladies in fraud and abuse department, I get the skinny on all these rogue doctors. And Utah does have the highest rate of pharm drug abuse in the U.S. so when a rogue dr shows up on the radar, WE KNOW. And we can kick him out of our insurance program - that's not the problem. But ex was never on a program I administered. Where this is going (and I've had a couple of shots as I am writing this, so I am sorry it's getting disjointed) - I don't think it would be a bad idea for ex's family to maybe file a wrongful death sut or a medical malpractice suit against the doc that is on trial. This dr hadn't written stuff for ex for a few years since he'd moved on, but he did provide access to very potent and addicting drugs that caused him to go down this road. He'd f*cking deserve it. These piece of sh*t doctors who f*ck up their patients with Oxy and Vikes - and I have to help them clean up their lives. I'm OK at it, but it's very draining on my autistic brain...

Also - last question.

This is an autie vs. nt expression of funeral-appropriate sympathy.

My SIL has always been sort of distant towards me. She thinks I am weird, but I try and do my best to tolerate her and her boyfriends. The on-again-off-again bf she had between ex and the guy she's now engaged to was really quite nice. We tried to include him more, but the on and off dynamic was weird about that. I also think that part of this weirdness stems from the fact that she was with the evil ex when she was first introduced to me, so she was probably stand offish due to the embarrassment she felt over the whole thing with him pharming.

Anyway, my two questions...

1) Should I send her a sympathy card? Specify yes/no and e-card/paper greeting card. If so, what should card say.
2) Should I ask her if she wants to come and have brunch this sunday. Possibly even a cookout. If so, how should conversation be initiated?

I want to handle this correctly, since I know my inlaws have issues about my being socially inapropriate at times. So I don't want to like try and be supportive and end up being inappropriate. The alternative is to be calld a b***h for not trying....

Sorry to be so selfish. But this thread really is a lot about me. Like how should I act? How should I feel? I have no damned idea.

What's a SIL?

Sister-in-Law

I hope things improve with you soon!

I know what you mean when you say I don't want to like try and be supportive and end up being inappropriate. That's how I usually feel about these kind of things.

I think I would definitely send a paper sympathy card, probably a 'with sympathy' or 'thinking of you' type one. Should you ask her for Sunday brunch? Would you like to? Maybe phone her first to get a 'feel' whether it would be a good idea, ask how she is and then if the conversation goes OK and you want to ask her, then do so if you think it would be a good idea after talking to her. If it would feel bad for you to do it though, I wouldn't.

The how should you feel question, well, I would say, feel how you feel. I don't think there are any 'shoulds' with feelings.

Not sure if that's much help to you janika, but good luck with it.