My first drunk post on WP!

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I probably am going to regret this in the morning.

Alcohol has been a dear friend to me. Maker's Mark, in particular. It has deprived me of motivation to off myself, at least.

Alcohol and video games. And yaoi manga. Lots of extremely explicit yaoi manga, because I have not had an active sex life in over a decade. When I did have an active sex life, I was meeting up with complete strangers that I met on the seedy side of the internet. I guess I probably could be thankful that I am not on milk cartons today.

I feel a strong need for paternal attention. For loving paternal attention. For what I never had, and never will have.

My biological father is ashamed that I am his offspring. My stepfather is ashamed that I am the offspring of the woman he loves.

I need loving paternal attention, and there was one point in my life where I let potential candidates use my body in exchange for that. Then again, I always knew I was fun on the side for them - they could always go home to their families after they had their fun, and I always went back home to an empty apartment. Yet I went along anyway.

I do not know where I am taking my life. I do not know what to do with myself and my libido, which wants me to be a young boy in the care of a loving father. I do not know how to have a relationship where I am not on the submissive end of an extremely unfair power differential.

I probably should drink some water before I go to bed, and put the lovely bourbon away for the day.

What do I want that is good for me? I have not a clue. I know enough to know that I do not want more of the same, but I get obsessive about my addictions. When I need a drink, I really f*****g need a drink, and AA is full of the most judgmental people on the face of the planet. People in SAA are far less judgmental, but I still feel like I am not good enough to be a part of their fellowship.

I am at a point where I have to admit that I am completely lost, and I do not have a f*****g clue what I want to do with my life.

you are very articulate, drunk or not. i had an alcoholic father. i attended support meetings for children of alcoholics for at least five years. an important thing i learned about having had an emotionally absent father is that he can't be replaced outside yourself. you need to become your own parent. find out what makes you happy and give yourself permission to do that as long as it doesn't hurt you or someone else. don't let anyone hurt you. it can take a while and definitely requires effort - two steps forward, one step back - but it's way worth it.

What do you want that is good for you, you ask? One word: recovery. You want to recover, and recovery is not an event, it's a process - of discovery, of new realisations, new ways of connecting with others, and most of all - new ways of knowing and connecting with our real selves - the one deep inside who could not be harmed by others, who once learned only to hide behind false faces of survival, because it was too unsafe to reveal. You can recover, you have started recovering, and I think you will go on recovering. The journey may take many different forms in many different chapters before you arrive at your destination; and the destination you wanted at the beginning of the journey may not be the one you eventually choose. Learn from every success, every failure, every renewal, every breakthrough; I know you do not feel young at all - survivors often don't - though you have time on your side, and there is much more to your life to unfold yet. In the end, every great recovery is (I think) an inner journey to the true self that abusers could never know, never touch, never manipulate, and that wise part of our soul waits for us, however long it takes for the reconnection to occur. You get as many chances at recovery as you need, KL. It's not a case of "perfect recovery or utter failure" - that's the perfectionist thinking of the child who tried to be perfect in order to be loved and valued. Give yourself credit for every step of recovery, every second of recovery, for your commitment to recover, for daring to recover. You have already come further perhaps than you think - sometimes we only see the milestones when they are far behind us. It sometimes happens in some mysterious way that we meet the "master" we need when we are ready for what he or she can impart to us, the next lesson we are ready for. I hope you find that a meaningful connection with a true mentor also occurs for you; it did for me, though before it did, I never saw such a possibility unfolding for me. All the best, KL. Take care of your self.

I relate, also I am hung over badly myself, drinking water but still puking. My first 300 or so post were posted stoned, the next 50 drunk and I am just now starting to post sober truth be told. I don't mean to sound grim but don't follow in my footsteps, I have spent most of my adult life institutionalized in a rehab, hospital or jail. Alcohol will just lead to other addictions, if you keep this up, before too long you will start abusing drugs and even if you don't. Your life will become unmanageable, the only thing your find with addiction is pain. Been there, done the hell out of that. Just don't do it, yes I am hung over but I also haven't drank in about a month. Don't let addictions live your life for you.

Now I am home from work. My weekend just began. And I have half a fifth of Maker's Mark left in my cupboard. Yeah, I went through the other half in a couple of hours yesterday evening. I am thinking I should find a new home for what is left. I don't want to pour it down the drain, and I don't want to pour it inside my belly.

Drinking is not the great fun escape that it used to be. Now it just makes me more morose than usual.