Ennui

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I'm in my early 20s, currently studying in university. I was diagnosed when I was 18 or 19 as being on the autism spectrum.. after I forced the psychologists to actually test me. Even though I'd been seeing psychologists for years. They gave me a test designed for 6 year olds, didn't bother asking me appropriate questions, and did everything by-the-book as if they were diagnosing a child.

I've never been good at school. Didn't have any sort of assistance until I was just about done with high school, and that assistance was limited to allowing me not to take language classes (after I had already spent more years there than was normal). The only classes I got more than 6 on was accounting and, sometimes, economics.

I had hoped to get some sort of accounting degree, so that I could work as an accountant in a steady, simple, mindless 9-5 job. That's not going to happen, because the university requires that I take all sorts of unrelated "business" and finance classes, including marketing and communications and other rubbish social "science" nonsense. Even after I explained my situation to them, they stated that their hands were tied (even though it's their own rules) and that the best I could get was being allowed to work alone in some group assignments.. if each and every teacher agreed to it.

So now I decided that I'd study physics instead. I suck at math, and don't have the requirements, and I don't want to be a scientist because it's hard work, but it's the only course, as far as I know, that I have any chance of actually completing (mostly because I like physics, understanding mechanical systems).

I don't actually care for any of it. I just want to have an easy, comfortable, simple, lazy life. I just want to be entertained without effort until I die. I've no other goals, no dreams, aspirations, no passion or interests.

I've never had a real job. I've worked for the city, as a teenager, doing f**k all. I've delivered the morning paper. I don't know anyone who could get me a job, be it family or friends (partly because I don't talk to my family, partly because I don't have any friends, but mostly because the people I know are either employed in institutions that require degrees/specialised skills, or are living in foreign lands).

I don't know where I'm going with this thread. Or my life, for that matter.

I've felt myself becoming dumber and number every year for the past.. I don't know how many years. My thoughts are slower, more fragmented, less direct, less clean. My reactions are slower. I can't understand what I used to be able to understand, I can't remember what I used to remember. I used to be able to play Starcraft 2, but now the game is far too quick for me.

I blame my bad physical form, the smoking and the drinking. There was a year between high school and university, which I spent delivering papers and getting drunk. I liked that life, even when it meant getting up at 5 AM and jumping out into storms and rain. I could afford to spend the weekends drunk, to start drinking the moment I woke up until I passed out.

I look at the future, my future, and simply going out for a walk, into the highlands, getting lost, dying of exposure, thirst or hunger, seems like a more appealing option every day. It's easier than dealing with things. People.

I can't even be bothered to eat. When my parents (whom I live with today) are out of town, I don't eat anything that I need to put effort in. I don't bother making a sandwich, or re-heating leftovers, or making noodles. I don't bother getting dressed. Taking a shower. I just sit in my room, drinking if I have any alcohol, browsing the internet or playing solitaire. Having coffee, if there is any. Smoking when I get too bored. At least when my gran was alive (she lived with us) I'd at least cook dinner for us.

Parents don't want to talk. Don't blame them. They find these sorts of conversations to be awkward, and don't want to listen to me whine or complain or admit that I've any difficulties. They just tell me to apply myself harder, because I'm "smart". Maybe if I had an 'accident', or a lobotomy, or got brain damaged in some way, I'd have an excuse to be a lazy s**t. But, no, having a higher IQ than them, being more logical than them, means that I'm "smart", and that means that I must be able to do all sorts of nonsense.

I don't care to. I've no passions. I've no drive. I just.. I'm tired. I just want to lie down and sleep until there's something entertaining, something interesting available for easy digestion.

Actually, on the subject of my parents, I admit I have some resentment towards them. They were told, when I was a child, that there's some suspicion of autism and depression, and that it should be looked into. They didn't do anything. They never even told me. Maybe if they had, I'd've gotten a proper diagnosis, when I was younger and wanted, when I needed the help. But, no, what's done is done.

Is there a point to this? Maybe. Maybe this is my subconscious refusing to give up, desperately trying to get me help so that I find some way to enjoy life. Maybe I just wanted to whine. Maybe I'm bored and want attention. Maybe a combination, maybe none of the above. Maybe I'll just have some more coffee and tobacco. That sounds nice.

I went through a business school and got a B.S. in Accounting and a B.S. in Business Administration. Now I'm almost done with grad school for a dual MBA/MAM.

I HATE most of the curriculum. Some of it is interesting, but mostly it is a god-awful tedious chore.

However, I have always used instances of when people tell me I can't do something as fuel to prove them wrong.

Also, most things in life that are worthwhile are not easy. The world is not your friend, and no matter what social support network you have, you still need to fight for yourself sometimes. The degree programs at most educational institutions are approved by state/national accrediting boards. They really don't have a lot of flexibility, otherwise their degrees would be meaningless to any potential employer. Just because you don't like some of the elective type classes that focus on social sciences and the like doesn't meant that those things aren't important to being a well rounded person. I would urge you not to be stuck in one dimensional thinking. Besides, if we never do anything that challenges us, we never develop or improve ourselves.

Good luck.

But what things are worthwhile? Why? How are they worthwhile?

And it's less about not liking these programs, but more to due with.. the disconnect. Things that are not clear, right-or-wrong, objective, things that require "intuition" and having a "feel" for things.. they aren't real. To me. Ineffable. They don't make sense. They're muddy, unclean, fuzzy. And so on. These assignments ask of me something akin to asking a blind person to describe "green" as a concept and a colour. It doesn't help that the teachers refuse to give clear instructions. How I am to do an assignment when the assignment is not explained fully to me, I don't know. I need exact words, precise instructions. Hence physics. Physics is real. Quantifiable. Understandable. Difficult, maybe, but concrete. It's not inane gibberish vomited forth by insane, pretentious, self-important academics.

But that's less of a worry, if there is any. The problem is the lack of drive, an absence of motivation, an unwillingness to do anything requiring mental/emotional/physical energy. The surrender to nihilism; I recognise that, should I do so-and-so, I increase my chances of such-and-such, and yet I feel the need to do so-and-so be disproportionately minor compared to my (albeit low) desire for such-and-such. In other words, I recognise that, to increase my chances of acquiring the currency I need to have a place to live in, to have the necessities to live and to be entertained, I need to either find employment or create employment for myself, and though my desire for currency (as a means to an ends) is there, it is minor, and even smaller still is my willingness to put in the effort to acquire said currency.

I may be wrong, but from what I have observed, almost all other humans have some desire in life; they want a spouse, a "good job", prestige, a large house, a family, a career, or something else. This desire is what drives them, their goal is their reason for going. I have no such goal, no such desire, and thus no reason for going; I want to be content, comfortable, to glide towards death through the path of least resistance. Why put in any effort to do anything? I don't see anything as being worth much effort.

The only reason I even attend school is because its easier to do so than to deal with my parents' nagging (and their threat of kicking me out). Same reason I do most things, come to think of it.

BS degrees? Not sure how one of those would help the OP .

I think you need at least one of three things to make university work:

1) A natural dedication and enthusiasm for the subject (these are the future academics)
2) Viable career ambitions that are backed up by work experience and/or vocational training
3) A network of friends and/or social connections/responsibilities

Most people get by on 3 (and if they're lucky 2 as well). I didn't have any of them which is why I didn't graduate (thought I had 1 but I got found out in the second year).

I know you're trying to be funny, but it stands for bachelor of science.

And guess what? I had 0 out of 3.

1) My true love is poetry, not accounting
2) I have no real career ambition, other than as the OP said-- to be comfortable and lazy as possible. But I also knew no one else was going to take care of me. So I HAD to do something.
3) When I was an undergrad I had no friends, social connections/responsibilities.

Tenacity is a crazy thing. Sometimes sheer force of will gets things done.

To OP, let being content and comfortable be your driving goal. Think of school as one step along the past of least resistance.