Newly diagnosed, struggling and in need of some help please.

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I really didn't anticipate how I might feel after my assessment/diagnosis.
Initially I was just very relieved that the assessment was done and that I finally had a validated explanation for so much of what I've been through growing up and why I am the way I am. I felt very positive about it, the assessment and the diagnosis.
In the few days since, it's just been too overwhelming, I can't deal with how I'm feeling. My thoughts/emotions feel like they're in a washing machine. I had my assessment Monday just gone and today's the first day it's really gotten too much and I just keep crying I'm not sad just completely overwhelmed.
I think I just have so much of my past; growing up, so many experiences that I can confidently look back on with this new lens and make sense of. Talking to myself just then (or more the people in my imagination), I think I just realised that it's also extremely upsetting to have these things really 'brought to the surface' again.
I think perhaps learning about and being diagnosed with Asperger's later on and perhaps being female, I think back over my childhood and teenage years in particular, before I had the knowledge of AS and feel like I justified the diagnosis more. I hadn't really learnt how to 'get by' so well. Trying to overcome my eating disorder and depression has certainly forced me to learn to do that better. Not that I think I'm suddenly not AS or anything but because I've learnt a lot more about how I work and what I need to do to get by, I don't believe it's so obvious. Which leads me to worrying about whether people believe I have it or still just think I'm just being difficult when I come up against difficulties or something I'm struggling with. Not that AS defines every single thing about me, yes it's pervasive but I'm still Kirstie, I just don't want people to think I'm being a drama queen or a complete arse.

From what you say, I think you have a very healthy, positive take on diagnosis, and are coming to terms with it in a constructive way. There's no denying that it's stressful, even traumatic, but, having gone through the process recently at the age of 57, I find that it opens more doors than it closes. Our immediate reaction is rather like finding ourselves in no-man's land, but this soon begins to give way to the sort of insights that you are having.

I'm sure other people here will empathise.

Are you struggling with worrying what people will think or am I misunderstanding?

If that, I think that is the result of working hard at identifying what people want and a strategy for coping with being on the spectrum, since one doesn't know what people think intuitively and might instead be working to apply knowledge to a given situation.

This is a new situation for you. Some people will see you as a drama queen or worse, but you cannot avoid that. I try to turn down the volume of those thoughts (when I can, it is very hard for me but I think one has to try). I understand that some people may mock me, some don't believe I am real (must be pretending because they don't talk speak and think just like me) however if I try to be part of the world I actually am interested in and do care about other people and there isn't anymore I can do.

Same for you. It is very hard, but if someone reacts negatively to you, learning to let go of the unfairness and move on is sometimes the best one can try to do, knowing people unfortunately do not always make sense.

I would guess that you feel overwhelmed because "everything came at once."

Frequently, many people have a "deferred reaction" to many things--like deaths, and other "bad news." It seems like this might be the case with you.

Not that having Asperger's is actually "bad news"--let me emphasize that. It's much better than having something like Tay-Sachs Syndrome!

Asperger's is not a death sentence. It's just sort of a "way of being" which is somewhat different than the prescribed societal norm. It may or may not cause any sort of "disability."

you should feel free to act not according to your diagnosis whenever you want.

It helps to see it the other way round: would you have been hit by a diagnosis of NTity, thinking: "oh no, I used to prefer reading to dancing, but now I'll have to party because I'm not an aspie"?

Also important to consider when going throufh childhood experiences: confirmation bias. It'll be quite hard now to remember that you didn't 'always' react inappropriately and so on.
Relax.
Darwin, Newton and Einstein were probably autistic, and a lot of artists too. Trump is not. You're in good company.

Thank you all for your comments and advice. It's all helpful to hear.

Yes, I think that is a big part of my worrying. Especially at uni, which I started this year. For example, my tutor and lecturers are aware, as my practice educator in charge will be when I go on placement in the new year. I do find the social side (dealing with people, group activities, group discussions) often very stressful and incredibly taxing but I make a huge effort to do so. If I didn't have to obviously I'd not put myself in these situations, 90% of the time I don't (uni, the odd times I meet a friend and a few times a year when I have to show my face at a family gathering (2 hours seems to be record for staying) but I have strong ambition and a very strong determination to complete my course and qualify as an Occupational Therapist Maybe I'm being silly but I worry a bit that if I appear to be doing okay, they won't realise the difficulties I have, how much effort it takes and think I can't really have AS.

I think that is always a possibility, that people mistake your coping techniques for being "ok". When i am doing ok, people don't realize how much effort it takes. When i am not ok and it all falls apart, they say, "why didn't you say something before you got to this point?" Grrr...aggravating.

I think that with AS, one does not always realize signs of stress until they get to be overwhelming. At least that has been my experience. But i have learned to recognize some signs in myself, and there are some things i now do to prevent meltdowns even when i am doing ok. It is truly a situation where "an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure."

On being upset and feeling overwhelmed at a diagnosis...i don't have a formal diagnosis but there was a "lightbulb moment" when i realized i likely have aspergers. i remember being very emotional about it. It was such a relief to have the pieces of the puzzle fit together as to why i have had the problems i have had over the years. It was not a sadness but a release of all the frustration that had built up. Also i no longer felt like a "bad person" for being so socially inept. I had a reason. It was like a great weight was lifted from my shoulders but strangely enough it made me cry rather than jump for joy. The relief was that great.

I think they don't want to see you having difficulties or they may not want you to succeed because they'd wonder how you'd help others. I don't agree with that but I think many people think that way. I think they look for you to be "overcoming" and finding ways around. I think the potential prejudice against you for what you have trouble with will be a bigger hurdle. And that what you are able to do may more earn their respect than get them questioning if you are faking.

I had at some point lost all ability to compensate, was on antidepressants which were not right for me and a friend still told me: "If you really are autistic, you're f*****g high-functional".
I think NT people don't know what to look out for, as we don't exhibit the same stress-behaviour.

Kirstie,

We seem to have similar histories of abuse, misunderstandings, and many disappointments.

I'm in my late 50's. It was only a few years ago that I was diagnosed with AS. About a year after that, the diagnosis was refined to ASD/PDD-NOS with PTSD. At first, I was relieved; because up until the diagnosis, I could not understand why I was a social outcast, even from my own parents and siblings.

After the diagnosis, it took about a year to sort everything out. There were many "Ah-hah!" moments, as I went through my past and tried to figure out what went wrong. Now I know, and even though I grieve over lost opportunities and friendships, I see that nothing could have turned out differently, even if I had known then what I know now.

I guess that what I'm trying to say is that things can get better for you, now that you know the 'whys' of how things turned out. Just don't lose too much sleep over re-living in your mind what you "shoulda/coulda/woulda" done instead. You have a new life ahead of you now, so please try to make the best of it.

Remember, a lot of us have already experienced what you are going through, so please know that you will survive!

-Fnord-

That feels like the story of my life!



Yes, I'm definitely finding that with uni. It's a very strange feeling making sure I have the right support in place BEFORE things go horribly wrong, as they often seem to have in the past. It's just difficult when you feel like you have to justify yourself to others because things haven't yet gone horribly wrong. I just try to remember, I know how things are likely to go unless I do what is necessary to keep things moving along okay.



Thanks .

After my 'breakdown day' I seem to be feeling a bit better thank goodness (for now anyway!)