I was feeling very low today. I go through regular lows and even suicidal thought moments and usually pull through them well. It's just part of my life and I live with it. But today I actually saw a full mental picture of a knife plunged deep into my liver and saw my family's responses to my death. I am not particularly moved by people's responses to the thoughts of my dying. I don't believe that the thoughts of other people grieving could ever be enough to keep me from killing myself. I guess it's because I have had family members commit suicide before and friends so I know that other people's lives goes on after it. And I don't believe that suicide is always selfish like people like to say it is. In fact that train of thought really does not sit well with me at all.
I don't think anyone ever really wants to commit suicide. If they are at that point, it's because they have lost all hope. And if they have lost all hope, maybe the people in their lives were a bit selfish to let them get to that level. I think that people who keep insisting it's selfish have never had that depth of loss of hope before and just need a justification so that they don't have to take any responsibility in how their actions might have affected the person who is hurting that badly. If they put it all on the person who is suffering, that is really convenient. It means they don't have to make the effort to try to help and understand that person. I think that most people would not commit suicide if they were able to feel heard and if they were offered some kind of hope. But it can sometimes be very hard work to do that so it's just easier to just say they are selfish. That's what I think.
But anyway, the strength to go on always has to come from inside of me because when it's all said and done, I am the only person who has the power to stop myself. Part of my coping mechanism to cope with and deal with the regular suicidal thoughts is to just talk very openly about it and make it a very normal part of my life. That is what works for me. I get suicidal because I am so overwhelmed by sounds and I can never get away from them. I am also overwhelmed by trying to have adult relationships and responsibilities when I am dealing with a brain that spends much of it's time in the 4 to 12 year old functioning range. Because I do have an adult side, particularly in my intellectual capacity, people expect me to be able to function as an adult whenever they need me to which is much more often than I am capable of. And because I am in some adult relationships, those relationships require me to be functioning as an adult very frequently. But I often fail miserably at the task and this happens on a daily basis. This puts an enormous toll on me and makes it very difficult for me to get through life. So I am used to being constantly worn out and so exhausted and so unable to accomplish the daily basic adult tasks that my only hope becomes to commit suicide. But if I face it head on and speak openly about it the temptation fades. So that is what this post is about. Just getting through another phase.
One thing I did learn recently though is that because my mind is so childlike, I not only fall into the depths of despair very easily and very deeply, but fortunately the blessing in having a child's mind is that I can be pulled out of those depths very easily. It does not take much at all and it does not take much to reassure me. Sometimes just a few simple well placed words from certain people is all it takes.
I heard Tony Attwood talk about this in one of his videos as well. He said it's very typical for Aspies. He told the parents that the Aspie kid is really feeling these feelings to that depth which is true but that usually they are short lived and with a little time and patience, the kid will be ok and back to normal. It will happen often because we feel what we feel with such power and at such deep levels but the ability to recover is just as powerful. So I don't worry too much when I get this way. It will pass and it will happen again and again and again. It's just part of my life and I just have to live with it.
You guys can comment if you like but this post is pretty much just a way for me to get strength and keep going. Thanks for reading it though. I appreciate that.
_________________
"I'm bad and that's good. I'll never be good and that's not bad. There's no one I'd rather be than me."
Wreck It Ralph
Last edited by skibum on 30 Nov 2015, 8:53 pm, edited 2 times in total.
30 Nov 2015, 4:56 pm
