Suffocating

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I am not alright,

I feel like I am having another meltdown right now, I am trying to cope with music but its not working much. I am suicidal again and I feel like a failure, I can't get the thoughts of being a failure out of my head. I wish I was dead, I feel like all I am doing in isolation is getting closer to and closer to suicide.The reasons for doing so out number the reason to stay alive and slowly my fear of doing it is fading away more and more.

Hell I bet half of you would be happy if I killed myself but enough on that. Let me explain more of why I am suicidal, I don't hear voices but its like I have little control of my internal voice or thoughts. It dwell on the past and all I hear is negativity, I have such good intentions but I F everything up. I am scared of communicating now, my anxiety has gotten worse 100% and I feel like I walk on eggshells with everything. Every post, comment, feedback or conversation I make is filtered by this internal voice of negativity.

It judges me and I lack the ability to see what is poor communication so I assume mentally that I am better off not talking. I don't want to live this way, I would rather be better off dead than better off not talking with anxiety. I have serious problems, last time I was in the hospital I was non verbal cause I felt it didn't matter and I feel like between that and other symptoms my autism is getting worse.

Disturbed, Avenged Sevenfold, Megadeth and Five Finger Death Punch at max volume isn't cutting it this time, I can't numb out this time. I might break this time for real.

Your post is a reflection of how I frequently feel.
We are all mirrors of each other, really.
That's why it grieves me to read such posts.
I know when I was feeling as you describe I would turn to music.
I found with my favourite bands (some of the ones you mentioned) the negative lyrics could get stuck in my head and make suicidal thoughts much worse.
I needed to switch to listening to talks or lectures or instrumental music.

I go non-verbal too.
Sometimes I write letters of encouragement to myself.

I understand how you feel. In fact, I was just dealing with my own very strong suicidal thoughts a few minutes ago. I feel that way a lot and just wrote a post about it almost ten minutes ago. I have a coping mechanism that really helps me and has helped me for a long time. I have been having regular suicidal thoughts since I was ten. Feel free to read my post and see if it encourages you.

But for all it's worth, I don't want you gone. I really don't. I have no problem at all with any posts that I have read from you. So please do not think that everyone here wants you gone. I definitely don't. I really appreciate your openness and how you shared how you are feeling right now. I have read your post and I have heard you and believe me when I say that I know how it feels. You are definitely not alone.

Skibum

I have been non-verbal before. It sucks. I had so much to say and I couldn't say anything. But you are writing here so that is a positive.

Isolation is the worst. You will create your own hell. Break out of it in any way you can.

You mention being hospitalized so I assume you are familiar with the mental health care system, as disappointing as it can be. Are there any support programs in your city? They're lamesauce but they at least get you out. The first steps are hard and small, but they are the only ones that lead forward.

Nobody wants you to die....

You're just a regular guy who's having a bit of trouble living life. If somebody "hates" you, that person has a real problem. The people who tell you negative things frequently have nothing better to do with their lives.

You have to get out of the house, into the "real world." Enough Internet! (that's part of the problem, I believe)

Watch a funny, nonsensical program.

dcj123 ...

I'm not so good at being supportive; but please reconsider your situation. Maybe you need to step back a bit and enjoy the silence. Logging off for a week or more may help you 'decompress' and recover your social equilibrium. Then you can come back with a fresh perspective, and maybe even see that things 'round here really aren't all that bad.

Take time to breathe.

-Fnord-

I can relate, music is a godsend and a curse at the same time.



I might try this, thxs.



I will read your thread, its a bit long and I still trying to desensitize with loud music so can't focus much, my neighbours probably love me but legally they can't do anything about it for a few more hours







First off thxs guys for the support, Fnord, I know it might not be in your nature but I appreciate it,

However, I am so bad at social skills I have burnt every social avenue I had. I have no where to go and thats not even acknowledging the anxiety issue of leaving my home or talking to people. I truly free like I am walking on eggshells with people and its not logical to talk to people if everything I say is is going to be used against me at a later date. The internet, video games and Linux is my life now, there is nothing else worth exploring. I can't recover my social equilibrium because I never had a social equilibrium to begin with.

I am an idiot, I'll never add to society so that alone is worth trying to kill myself again. Maybe I overreacting a bit when I said you guys would want me dead too, but me being gone wouldn't negatively impact the forum thats for sure.

You have to push your way through that WALL, Sir.

I'm not quite sure why you believe you will never add to society. You can't know that. Social interaction is not the only thing of value. I don't know anything about Linux, but it sounds like you have a skill with computers. You could pursue that and you may add something in that way. Or maybe in some other venture that you have yet to discover.