Hypochondria

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Hi All, I am new to this site. It is my husband who has Aspergers and I am at my wits end coping with his behaviour over Christmas. For the last six months he has had something wrong with him. It starts on a Friday when he finishes work. He searches the internet for advice to heal what it is and says he has found a wonderful exercise that helped and then the following week develops a new illness. Over Christmas he has had bad knees from walking in muddy fields with our dogs, also a double ear infection which he has had antibiotics for, so that is ok now and a wonderful exercise for his knees has cured that, but now he has lumbago and is miserable as sin and constantly going on about how much pain he is in. I have got him some strong pain relief, but he said he cannot keep taking it as it wont last long if he does. When this is over it will be something else. We have turned it into a bit of a joke, but it is wearing thin with me, because he only says he is in agony when he has to do something he doesn't like, but will be fine when he is doing exactly what he wants to do, mainly sleeping and doing nei kung his life long obsession. It isn't because I am not sympathetic I am, but I am nearly seventy and have so much to do and it is getting harder coping with his Aspergers, as everything is about him all the time and he is spoiling Christmas for everyone. Can anyone suggest what is the best way to deal with his hypochondria.

I have a friend who is a hypochondriac. I believe he has it as a way of avoiding emotional/mental sadness and lack of direction in his life. He hides behind things that he can focus on as a way to prevent him from the realities of normal functioning and thus having to face his fears of inadequacy and despair.

Hi, thank you for responding. It makes sense and now I just need a way of getting my husband to explore this, as he is the type of person that would and make changes. Any suggestions would be very welcome

Perhaps sending him to a doctor about it will help. With the intention of discussing his hypochondria, rather than his latest illness. I imagine the doctor will refer him for cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), so he can learn how to cope with his health-anxiety.

Letting him read this thread could be a wake up call for him, should he need it. I admire your patience for living with him, it must be incredibly frustrating.

I am not convinced it is entirely hypochondria. I used to think that about my daughter and she does have a history of getting out of things due to illness. I wasn't very sympathetic until I understood more about her emotional and mental situation; she wasn't diagnosed AS until about age 23. She really does have many physical complaints and they are real. I think many people on the spectrum do suffer from a lot of illnesses and injuries.

If you can get him to look at his hypochondria as an escape, that's fine. But maybe you can't. Instead of making this his problem, could you express how it feels to you? That you are feeling you can't get him to help or participate, and it's frustrating for you?

Maybe you can get what you want some other way, perhaps by mail-ordering gifts instead of shopping, maybe hiring a housecleaning service since you are getting older and are tired?

As far as participating in family events is concerned, find out what he wants to be involved in and help it happen? As you both age, you have to accept that your expectations of yourselves must change. Family traditions can be modified to keep the spirit but not the letter of the original tradition.

I wish success and satisfaction to you both.

Hi thank you all for your wonderful responses. I have already spoken to my husband about this and he has agreed to change and make changes. He actually believes it is true, he is focusing on his physical discomfort too much and it is making him feel depressed. So we are going to think about ways he can make his life fuller, so that he has some new interests. He does a lot of physical exercises geared to keeping healthy in body and mind, so he wont like the fact that this is becoming an obsession. As for me, we have been together for 37 years married for about 24yrs. I try and make my life as simplified as possible and I never ever try and force any kind of socialising that he doesn't feel comfortable with and most probably have gone too far in making him feel safe and unpressured and now I am getting older, I am starting to feel the unfairness of this. I have sacrificed many things, as I love him and know that I cannot demand too much. He doesn't drive and doesn't like holidays and shopping, so I do all of this on my own or with other family members. Because of this I resent having to spend the time at home, listening to his complaints of every ache and pain. It is a good idea to ask him to tell his doctor about how this is taking over his life, rather than about what is wrong with him. Please don't get me wrong, I feel deeply for how hard this has been for him all of his life, nearly everyone in the family tells me he hasn't even got Asperger's he is just selfish and narcissistic, but I know differently and will always stand by him. Thank you again for your suggestions.

It sure is a tough one, sometimes physical pain can be completely unrelated to hyperchondria, so have to avoid a baby and bath water situation. Being ill is a way to get out of doing stuff, hypochondria can enable this. Sometimes i think hypochondria is used as a way to get out of doing things you don't want to do, and sometimes to avoid difficulties and sadness or frustration in life. I think the two things are quite different though. If a person tries to avoid doing something, and someone pressures them to do, it might be unfair of the person to pressure them. There needs to be a balance though, life isn't exactly fun a lot of the time, i don't want to do my crappy job, but i am pressured to do it, else i have no money.
In the case of the person i mentioned, he lives with his fiancée, they now have a child. I think he avoids work, doing things, and facing his 'failures' by focussing on illness. the latest of which was a stomach lump that was very painful, he claimed. After tests, it turns out just to be a fatty deposit, and meant nothing. The pain went away soon after finding that out. Up until that his overly thoughtful fiancée was tying his shoe laces because it hurt him to bend over. She has recently had a baby i add. My point is, pandering to a hypochondria can put a lot of stress on a person, and often serves to enable their condition. I don't have the answer what to do. Perhaps as another poster mentioned, addressing the hypochondria may be a way to go. Maybe address what triggered the hypochondria behaviour by tracking when it started and what was going on in his life. Be careful and look after yourself, try and do what is healthy and feels right to you. Its a hard situation, the pain can seem quite real to the sufferer of hypochondria, and its also kind of embarrassing to admit to it hypochondria i would have thought.